


Total Eclipse of the Heart

by DragomirPrincess



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/F, Falling In Love, LGBTQ Themes, Not Beta Read, Religious Content, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 88,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26495917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragomirPrincess/pseuds/DragomirPrincess
Summary: After a long moment, Garett was brave enough to say something. “I don’t want to be rude, really, but will nobody address the irony of the very reason for succubus legends all over the world falling for a human female?”Since Kate has found Garrett two decades have passed and life has changed a lot for Tanya since then. The death of her sister is still deeply painful every day, and being the only one without a mate doesn't make it any easier. Even going out to pick up men isn't the same anymore if she has to do it alone. But after a millennium of a lifetime, is it even possible for her to meet her mate now? And what to do when this mate is a human female and - just to make things even worse - deeply religious?A little self-indulgence of the author. I normally don't write about OCs and not about girls love either, but there is a first time for everything I guess?
Relationships: Carmen/Eleazar (Twilight), Garrett/Kate (Twilight), Tanya (Twilight)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 57





	1. New Year's Eve

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking on my work!  
> Just a word of caution in the beginning: English is not my first language. I am doing my best with erasing all mistakes I might make, but I am sure there are still quite a few errors left. Please feel free to address them in a comment, so I can change them for other readers and improve my skills in general.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a Spotify playlist for this fanfic, including all the songs I mentioned at some point and the songs that inspired me while writing: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2U1a758yJlUwJEHDUeLYpW?si=T0_dp_aIT6qj7uNiu-Qlxg  
> Feel free to take a look if you are curious about some German music!  
> ~*~  
> I have never been to Alaska - or anywhere in the US - and all my knowledge is taken from Google maps. I apologize if somebody is actually from Alaska.

‘If we live through this. I will follow you anywhere, woman.’ I still remembered the words well that Garrett said to my sister on the day of the Volturi’s attempt to destroy the Cullens. I hadn’t even been surprised by them, to be honest, their attraction was visible even for a blind man and Kate had desired something more permanent for a while already – assumably since Laurent had joined Irina. Still, I was honestly surprised by how easy it had been for the nomad to adapt to our lifestyle. It was not simply attraction, I was sure now, but they were true mates. And I was truly happy for my sister – truly! Still… with Irina gone – something that still hurt terribly whenever I thought about her untimely demise – it was a little difficult to live with Carmen and Eleazar as well as Kate and Garrett. I missed going out with them to the cities and breaking one human heart after the other. Of course, Kate still joined me from time to time, but she wasn’t interested in the rest of our pleasures anymore, which left me a little dissatisfied with my conquests more often than not.

Today was one of the days where I was nearly able to understand how Edward might have felt with all the happy couples around him, while he was alone for nearly a century. I did not understand his desire to stay abstinent during all these years though and to be honest, I still felt a little discouraged of his refusal, even after meeting young Bella.

I could not determine the reason for my sudden melancholy – it was a day like any other after all, but I did not want to watch them for the rest of the evening snuggling in front of the screen, some Netflix show on that I hadn’t bothered to follow. “I’ll take a trip to the city,” I suddenly decided and stop up at that exact moment to go to my room and find something suitable to wear – a satin gown wasn’t what humans approved of as clothing these days – why that was not the case, I had no ideas, after all, skirts the size of belts were a trend as well as see-through lace over dark underwear. I went for a more appropriate style of clothing, while not hiding any of my assets: the black leather pants clung to my legs so tightly, that it might be impossible for a human to even get me out of them again, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to find a conquest tonight, and if I did, I could, after all, just help him to get rid of it if needed. The black lace bodysuit had cutouts along my left side, and I could easily pass the unnecessity that humans called a bra. I had to put on the winter boots as well as the thick fur jacket to not be too obvious of me being different.

Of course, ‘the city’ was a very broad term as we avoided the cities right next to the Denali national forest, as we did not desire to move as often as the Cullens did. And I was able to be all over Alaska and maybe even inside of Canada within the hour. I hadn’t decided yet where to go today, but I definitely did not expect Kate to wait for me at the bottom of the stairs, watching closely. Apparently, I had not been as good at hiding my sadness as I had assumed. I kept myself calm and shot her an asking look.

“Are you alright?” she asked lowly as if not to disturb Garrett with his show.

I frowned at her, unsure of the reason for her sudden worry. “Yes, I am fine, Kate.”

I did not convince her, and I stilled under her knowing gaze. She lowered her voice even more. “It’s twenty years today.” My frown deepened. I hadn’t even realized that another year had come to an end again. Maybe I should have gone for the coat instead of the jacket for my trip.

Refusing to remember the pictures of Irina bursting into flames at Caius’ hands was probably not the most grown-up thing to do, but I didn’t feel like dealing with the emptiness she had left right now. Still, I owed Kate an answer. “I know,” I acknowledged, even though it had been a lie. I had not remembered it consciously until she mentioned the number of years passed since then.

“Do you want me to join you?” She offered, though I did not miss her short glance towards Garrett at the sofa, who did a really good job of putting up the charade of not listening to us talking. So that’s why he did not let go of her even once today. He was a good person at heart, even if he put on a though facade more often than not.

I shook my head. “No, enjoy your evening with Carmen and Eleazar out as well.” I smiled honestly. My presence did not make it easier for them the most time. “I just don’t want to just sit here all evening.” She still looked worried and I flipped a few strands of strawberry blond locks over my shoulder out of habit. “I won’t be gone long, I promise.”

She let me leave then, and I hurriedly moved through the snowdrifts down the mountains. Petersville would be to close, as were Talkeetna and Chase, so maybe I would just go all the way until Anchorage. It was a big city and on the last day of the old year, there would be a lot of parties, I could easily slip in with a charming smile and a blink of my eyes. Blazing music and an excessive amount of male attention normally did it for me. Thanks to some great investment tips of young Alice Cullen we did not need to do the whole flirting to gain expensive presents thing anymore. Which did not mean that I did not enjoy a present here or there; getting too invested was troublesome though. So, if I would take anybody to a hotel for the night it would be a one-time-thing, no strings attached.

It was easy to move through the trees and plains in the darkness of the early evening without being noticed, but as soon as I reached the outskirts of town, I had to slow down to the more human speed of my legs. Even if I entered in a mainly industrial area, there could always be somebody left watching from somewhere. The streets appeared to be completely empty though. People liked to spend the changing of the years with friends and family, a rite of passage so to say. After all these years of being alive, a year rarely felt like more than a simple blink of my eye, even if I remembered all 8760 hours all too clearly in my mind.

I followed the empty roads towards the more populated parts of the city, trying to keep my mind on the patterns of the snowflakes making their way down to the ground and– by all means – not to remember the last time I had spent New Year's Eve with ‘family’, two decades ago. This was the reason why I was taken by real surprise when I ended up on the same street as an agitated heartbeat. It was a woman, I noticed quickly, the high boots over the tights under a nearly floor-length coat gave her away. A few dirty blond strands of hair stuck out under a big black hood. She was wearing glasses, fogged from her breath under a woolen green scarf – I was definitely dressed too lightly for the weather. She was already to close to change my direction to avoid her though. Her eyes were searching around – she looked terribly lost in the commercial area – and discovered me only seconds later. I took in a breath – already quite sure that she would ask me for the way – and regretted it instantly: A sweet, nearly intoxicating smell filled my nostrils. I felt my muscles already tensing, moving my down into a crouch, the feeding frenzy getting to my head, before I even realized, what was happening. It was only the shrill ringing of a cellphone in her pocket that made my muscles stop and my eyes widen in the overwhelming hunger I had felt for one moment.

She picked up her phone, her gloved fingers nearly dropping it to the snow-covered floor, before being able to pull one glove off her hand with her teeth and lifting the phone to her ear.

“Hello,” I heard her say, but did not even try to listen to the person on the other side. I was still frozen in place and nearly shaking by the sudden desire to break with the lifestyle that we ironically called ‘vegetarian’.

“I am so sorry!” She apologized hurriedly. “I… got lost.” I could see her cheeks redden and I bit down the growl that formed inside my throat.

 _Get a grip on yourself, Tanya!_ , I shouted to myself. I knew it was wrong to kill her. It was wrong to even consider it, even if I had not been this … determined a few centuries ago. Neither Kate nor Carmen nor Eleazar and at the very least Garret would not judge me if I slipped now, but I really, really could not spill blood on the same day that I had lost my sister. I would never be able to look into the mirror if I spoiled her memory with this. And this girl truly did not deserve to die, because of my own unstableness. So, I stopped breathing and just felt the fire burn in my throat.

“No… yes… no! Really, I am fine. I will just ask for directions.” I knew I should just disappear now, while she was talking on the phone – she would eventually find her way back, she had phone reception after all – but she sounded so helpless and like a masochistic idiot I just stared at her. She had an interesting accent, I realized. First, I thought, she might be British, but it did not quite fit. Her sounds were a funny mix of British and American as well as Canadian and something … harder sounding, maybe central-European. I felt a sudden burst of homesickness that I hadn’t felt in years – Slovakia wasn’t more than a very old memory by now and thinking of our mother was equally as painful as thinking of Irina.

“I will. I’m sorry. I will be there soon.” She hung up and I still hadn’t moved an inch. I hadn’t even taken a single breath.

She looked up, fiddling with her phone for a moment. Was she nervous? Did she already feel repelled by my strangeness? Women always seemed to be more perceptible to the dangers that laid behind our beautiful faces.

“Ex… excuse me,” she stammered a little while taking a hesitant step in my direction. She spoke loudly, even if it was unnecessary.

I just stared at her as if I had never seen another person before. And in a way, it truly felt like it. She had pulled down her scarf to speak on the phone and her glasses were clear again by now. A pair of beautiful green eyes looked at me from under dark lashes. Was she wearing makeup or were they normally that dark and full? Her lips were too slim, her chin too wide to be called beautiful in a general sense, but it was somehow more than just her smell that made me nod my head carefully slowly and smile. “Are you lost?” I asked. My voice was calm even though I did not feel like that at all.

“A little.” She looked to the floor, which surprised me. Normally people couldn’t look away when they saw us for the first time. Was she shy? Or intimidated?

“Wherever you want to go, it is probably not in this direction.” I waved my hand behind me towards the empty garages and storages.

“I know!” she quickly agreed. “It’s just… I looked at a map before I left and…” She shook her head over her own words. “I was sure it was this way.” She spoke to herself now.

“What are you looking for?” My voice was incredibly soft, almost foreign to myself. Was it truly me talking?

“Amazing Grace Lutheran Church”, she answered without hesitation, but then she suddenly looked away as if she were ashamed of what she just said.

I was surprised. It was New Year’s Eve and she wanted to go to church? Were there services at this time of the day? Or maybe it was just close to a friend’s place? My thoughts took a bad turn at this point: Would she be missed?

“It’s close to the zoo,” she added hurriedly. “I just need some general directions and I’ll be on my way.” She was blushing again. I realized that she wanted to get away from me as fast as possible. The fear had kicked in then.

It wasn’t too hard to tell her where she had to go from here. She probably just took a wrong turn a few streets up ahead, but my mouth spoke faster than my brain. “I’m headed in that general direction. I will show you the way.” What was wrong with me? I screamed at myself internally. Did I want to kill her? Or was it that I already knew what was going on by now? I had seen it before – or at least heard the tales of it – when Edward had met Bella for the first time. I honestly did not have the self-control that Edward possessed. After all, he was on a good way to put even Carlisle to shame with it. But did it mean the same thing? Did I truly just run into my mate in an industrial area of Anchorage while trying to escape the memories of my sister’s death? That sounded like terrible irony even in my head.

It was not like I never thought about the concept of a mate, especially after Kate found Garrett, but while I had made a few advances towards other vampires, I had never considered a human mate before, even when enjoying their physical intimacy regularly. The thing was: I could bite her now, take her home with me and spare me all the drama Edward had taken upon himself. I never had such a strong opinion on my kind as he did, but there was something that stopped me, nonetheless. And – to be honest – I was not sure if I could change her under these circumstances; she smelled far too good. And maybe it truly wasn’t like that. I had heard about the ‘singers’ before and this normally ended with the death of the human and not with a change. Maybe it was just a coincidence that in Edward's case singer and mate had been the same person. He always had had the desire to prove himself and his self-control, it was just part of who he was. I truly did not feel the same. Still, it would be a great success if I were able to resist the desire of my singer, right? I could just show her the way and then let her go her way and never see her again afterward. At the very least, I wouldn’t have her demise on my conscience.

Still, there was one more thing: She was… well, a woman. I had never been a particularly religious person – not even in my human life as far as I was able to remember. So, I truly did not mind this much. To be honest, I minded surprisingly little at all. I had always taken man to bed with me, but most of the time this had been a matter of convenience, not of a conscious decision. I had never met a same-sex couple of vampires before, but it was likely to exist somewhere, right? Should I be more troubled by this thought? I honestly wasn’t sure. She probably wasn’t pretty in a traditional sense, but I knew next to nothing about her. Just that her blood smelled mouthwateringly good and that she must have a terrible sense of direction to end up in this part of the town.

“This way,” I said under my breath, just to have a moment to put my thoughts back in order. It did not matter since I had no intention of ever meeting her again. I would help her now and then forget that this ever happened. I would pick up some decent looking guy at a party and have some fun a return home afterward. As long as I was strong enough to resist the calling of her blood, Kate had no reason to ever know about this encounter.

Of course, I was not headed in her general direction, but now it was too late to tell her that. And so, we started moving slowly back in the direction she came from.

“My name is Tanya,” I suddenly said to her, breaking the uncomfortable silence between us. Moving forward was a lot better than standing still I realized: The wind was coming from the front and brought clean air into my lungs. It was easier to speak to her like this. The respectfully large distance between us – which she probably established out of sheer reflex – made it even better.

She made a surprised noise. “Lee”, she answered then, and I raised an eyebrow.

“Lee?” I repeated slowly, questioningly. “That’s not a very European name.”

She looked at me, confused this time, her eyes searching for an answer in my eyes, probably a dark golden today or maybe a deep shade of amber. “How…?” She trailed of mid-question, but it was obvious what she was talking about.

“It takes one to know one,” I answered easily, even smiling a little, now that her scent wasn’t in my nostrils all the time. And then I offered her some more explanation. “I was born in Slovakia.” I did not need to mention that this was nearly a millennium ago. The names had become a little more modern and globalized since then, but the roots stayed the same. Lee was definitely not a European name and probably not even considered female in most parts of Europe.

“Actually… it’s Eleonora, but most people I meet over here have a problem pronouncing that. So, Lee is fine. Or Nora or whatever.” She was blushing again. Why was she blushing so much? It was infuriating to hear her heart pulse like that all the time. It made my throat burn – maybe my eyes were already black by now from all this hunger I suddenly felt.

I tried to focus on her name again, fast. Eleonora was a perfectly European name. Germanic if I wasn’t mistaken.

“I didn’t know that Tanya is a Slovakian name,” she said surprised, using my own observation against me.

“Short for Tatjana,” I explained. Which was a very common name in Russia, which was close enough to Slovakia to be considered common there as well, at least it had been like that in the tenth century apparently.

She nodded, considering this explanation. There was a small silence again. We didn’t really come far yet and I realized she was walking carefully; maybe the snow was more slippery than I thought. Or she was just a very careful person.

“Did you come here to work?” Her intonation made it obvious that she meant in general and not just today.

“My family moved here years ago.” That was not exactly an answer to her question, but since I had never once worked before in my life, it was close enough to the truth without raising suspicion. I hurried to ask my own question before she wanted to know more about my childhood or my non-existent job. “Why would you want to go to a church on New Year’s Eve?”

She blushed again furiously. “I kind of work there”, she admitted. She stared at her hands awkwardly and I wasn’t quite sure why, but my mind was too busy with something else to figure out her reasoning. Her words had felt like a fist to my stomach.

She worked for a damned church. I cursed under my breath. What exactly did I do to deserve this? After all, this _would_ be a problem, I realized; at least if I considered the possibility of her truly being my perfect mate. While I was not religious at all, she, apparently, was more than a little faithful and faithful people just didn’t go well with people who considered being interested in the same gender. Why couldn’t anything ever be easy for me?

“I am… a pastor in training,” she tried to explain further. “Like doing a practical year before I get to lead my own parish?” This got worse every moment.

She was kneading her hands by now. Her eyes looked almost afraid. Did I show my anger on my face? Did I scare her? I couldn’t say, but my tongue just wouldn’t move. My limbs felt heavy and somewhere in my mind, I knew that I could not deny that she was my mate. And at the same time, it was obvious that it could never be.

 _Just kill her now_ , a quiet voice in my head whispered, _spare yourself the pain._ I was so close to just surrender to it, to just take her blood like my instincts demanded and be gone with it, but I knew how painful it would be to look into my sister’s eyes afterward. She would feel like she failed me on this day especially and I knew my conscience wouldn’t leave me in any better condition in the end. The question of ‘what if’ would always be there and I just couldn’t bear the pain.

So, I forced my face into a smile and looked at her. “I don’t think I have ever met a pastor in training.” My face was soft, but she shied away from me and nearly stumbled down the curb, twisting her angle.

“Ouch! Damn! Au…” The sudden curse took me unprepared; my hands had tried to stop her from falling, but she caught herself and blinked away some tears on her own.

“Are you alright?” I wanted to know, unsure if she might need some help.

“’m fine,” she answered. “Just clumsy. Will be fine in a second.” She leaned forward still in pain but waved away my worries. She took a careful step forward, flinched, and took another one anyway.

She walked forward and I just stared at her. Why would she behave like that? “Let me help you,” I offered without thinking about how close I would need to be for that and reached out my hands again, touching only her hand, which was bare of her glove still.

She flinched. “Your fingers are ice-cold!”

 _Great move, Tanya_ , I growled to myself inwardly. At least the temperature was on my side on this, but before I was able to say something she was speaking again. “Aren’t you cold? Your clothes are much too thin for this weather!” She sounded a lot like a mother – not like my mother, neither my mortal nor my immortal one had talked to me like that, but like I expected a mother should treat her children. It was weird since she was about one thousand years younger than me, but she did not sound harmful at all, just very caring.

“Thermal underwear,” I answered quickly and apparently very convincingly as she did not question me. Her eyes were stuck on me, nevertheless. I wasn’t sure what she was seeing right now or what she was searching for.

“It looks really good on you,” she suddenly said and blushed again furiously. Was she complimenting me on my clothes?

“Thanks?” I answered a little confused. If she were a man, I would have almost considered that she had been looking me up, but I knew better and refused to get my hopes up.

She was quiet again then, and very focused on her steps.

Soon we reached the end of the road. “Turn left here.” I was still focused on her leg, so it took me a moment before I realized she turned to the right instead. I frowned. “Left,” I repeated.

She stopped, looked at her fingers, blushed again, and turned. Did she think she was turning left before? If that were the case, I would understand why she had gotten lost before. It was strangely… endearing. “Sorry,” she mumbled. Her step was all good again. Maybe it hadn’t been too bad, and I just worried too much; about a girl I didn’t even know at all.

The atmosphere was still tense. I heart wanted to know more about her, but my mind forced me to stay silent to protect myself.

At the next corner, I showed the way with my hand. “This way.” And then her eyes lit up in recognition. Apparently, we had reached a part of the city she was familiar with. My heart ached.

“I know the way from here!” Her voice became a little too loud and once again her cheeks started to bloom in a fierce red. Her skin looked very soft on her full cheeks and my fingers itched to touch her, gently caress her cheeks, maybe touch the upper bow of her lips, the tiny ‘m’ they formed there over a pair of incisors that were a little bit too far forward. Maybe that was the reason for her chin to appear so broad, that her lower jaw was just a little too far back?

Her smile was breathtaking and so honest and full of happiness that her eyes crinkled just a bit and an illusion of dimples appeared. I wanted to see her smile like this forever.

“Thank you so much for your help!” For a moment it looked like she would bow, but she just folded her fingers in front of her and looked down at me. I hadn’t realized that she was nearly ten centimeters taller than me – northern European maybe? “I won’t keep you any longer! Please enjoy the celebrations of the new year!”

She turned then and hurried forward in the direction of her workplace.

“Eleonora,” I called after her, her name rolling from my lips easily. “Where are you from?”

She stumbled a little, but stopped, surprised by the sound of her full name maybe. “I’m from Germany.”

She waved. “Thanks again. Tanya.”

My name from her lips made me freeze in place and I literally forgot how to breathe that instant. Which was good, because the wind was still blowing from the front and my throat was burning with heat by now, my eyes probably as black as the night sky above us.

I needed to hunt.


	2. The Service

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My knowledge about services is limited to mainly Germany, but I assume they are mostly the same all over the globe. Feel free to correct me if I make any mistakes.

And hunting I did.

The sun was already rising, when I returned home, the burn finally under control, but my mind still a mess. I wanted to meet her again, wanted her to say my name again, and smile this breathtakingly honest smile and laugh a little bit too loud for me. And I knew that I could never allow it. I had stopped myself today, but we had been outside, her smell covered in thick clothing, the cold air making it stale. One wrong encounter, one moment of weakness and I would end her life in a second. Doing so would break my immortal heart that she had stolen from me without even knowing about it.

I would have to cherish the few memories I had of her and avoid Anchorage for at least the next year to make sure that I would never meet this non-beautiful, beautiful girl ever again.

I locked my heart behind iron bars and opened the front door of our house when the earliest rays of morning light caressed the peaks of the high pine trees that surrounded our home.

“You are home early”, Kates surprised voice greeted me from the living room sofa. Garrett wasn’t with her right now. Which surprised me as Garrett was always with her since the faithful day twenty years ago.

I did not answer, just took off the fur-lined jacket. What should I have said to this anyway? It was an acclamation, not a question.

“Did you not find anybody worth your time?” she continued.

This was a question and I had to answer that. “I did not feel like company in the end”, I admitted. “I went hunting instead.” The truth – or at least as much of it as I was willing to share with her – was the best way to deal with Kate’s interest. She did mean well after all.

She suspected something anyway and I decided to not give her more time to find out what it was. “I will take a shower and maybe do some reading. See you later.” My behavior was very suspicious, but Kate did not stop me.

On my way up I met Garrett who had a telling amount of sawdust in his hair: They had broken another bed as it seemed. I wanted to smile, and I wanted to puke at the same time. In the end, I just shook my head and made my way to the bathroom for a hot shower.

Maybe I would go for a walk afterward instead of reading or maybe watch some new show on Netflix.

Kate had realized it nearly instantly, but Carmen wasn’t far behind her. As soon as she and Eleazar were back from their short trip, she raised her eyebrows on my behavior. Eleazar followed soon and even Garrett – who hasn’t been with us that long and rarely took his eyes off Kate in the first place like a lovesick fool – noticed a few days later. I was irritable, easy to anger, and generally upset all the time. I tried not to be but failed miserably. I snapped at my family for things I hadn’t even known to be bothersome before and just, in general, felt like I wanted to scream most of the time. I did my best to just stay in my room which did not help their suspicions in the slightest. And it did not really help anyway. I felt the walls closing in on me and trying not to think of her made me think of her even more.

And I just had no idea how to deal with this. I could not just go and meet her. My self-control was not good enough for that. I could not go to her and kill her because I would never forgive myself. I could not just tell my sister about this either. She would be upset for me keeping secrets and pragmatic Garrett might just suggest changing her to do us all a favor – I felt like I might rip his head off if he tried.

My reasoning was not an ethical one on this point. I had never regretted my own change. The life I would have lived would have been short and probably unhappy. The only role I would have had in society would have been marrying up and having babies and I probably would have died in childbirth of my tenth child or whatever. Being beautiful as I had been probably would have made life harder instead of easier. I had never been alone, my mother or great-aunt, Sasha had been with me every step of my way after my transformation, my sisters soon after and I had loved the attention I had gotten from men. I had even enjoyed our title of being succubus to an extent, even if the men normally died a little too fast back then. – I did not allow my thoughts to flow to fast forward, the memories of my mother’s death still hurt greatly.

So why was I so hesitant about changing her? Life expectations were a lot higher today than in tenth century Slovakia for one and people could choose what they wanted to be. But the same was true for me and my family. The limitations of our vampirism applied of course, but up here in Alaska it was rarely sunny and with a few decades of training even being around humans wasn’t a problem anymore – most of the time.

Maybe knowing that her priorities were laying with her god was the real reason for my behavior. How could I ever expect her to place anything above this? How could I expect her to leave behind her hopes of an afterlife in the embrace of her creator? Some vampires – like Carlisle – were able to hold onto this faith even after their change, but he was changed forcefully and had to adapt to his new situation in some way. Without his faith, he would never have been able to withstand his thirst for as long as he did and then he wouldn’t be the father of the biggest vampire family next to the Volturi. I still remembered our first time meeting him, not long after our attempts at vegetarianism were slowly paying off for the efforts they took, and knowing that he not once had succumbed to the temptation of human blood still filled me with unthinkable awe. The only other person with this amount of self-control I had met so far was Bella and well, she was still very young.

I hadn’t realized that my feet had carried me out of my room and onto the porch – fully dressed and very human-conform – while my thoughts were spinning until Kate gripped my hand, a short pulse of electricity waking me from my stupor. I jerked away and growled at her, rubbing my skin. Her face didn’t tell me if she had done this on purpose or if her irritation had acted on its own. Irritated she was.

“Where are you going?” she spoke in a way that suggested that she had asked this question before.

I realized my teeth were still bared and quickly pulled back my lips. Garrett’s posture a few steps back relaxed a little.

“Tanya!” Kate’s voice became more urgent. “What’s wrong with you lately?”

I knew that it would come to this sooner or later. They had left me more time than I had expected to be honest. “Nothing,” I snapped back, but my feeble lie would not convince anybody; it didn’t even convince me. So, I searched for something else to say and couldn’t believe what left my lips. “I’m going to go to church.”

Kate blinked and so did I. Had I had this intention the whole time? Which day or time was it anyway?

“What?”

I decided to look at the electric clock at my elbow. Sunday. 8.30 a.m. Apparently, it had been my plan. That would explain my clothes: Jeans and a dark green sweater under a very non-conspicuous coat.

“Tanya, you don’t even believe in any god!” Kate looked baffled. Her words were absolutely true.

“Maybe I changed my mind,” I snapped back anyway. Maybe I did believe; however, more in Satan than in God with all the temptations thrown into my way lately.

“Tanya.” I only realized that I had moved away by how much lower her voice sounded now as I made my way through the trees, accelerating my step towards Anchorage. I knew that I might regret this, being in one small room with her, but apparently, I had been hunting last night and I hoped that the close proximity of so many other people would stop me from doing anything stupid.

When I reached Anchorage I could already hear the bells ringing, calling worshipers in for service and for a moment I stopped and thought about turning back, maybe giving Kate a better explanation, letting her help me to find a way to deal with this.

I decided against the intelligent solution. Slowly I made my way to the dark-tiled, trapezoid building with the big cross in the glass wall above the entrance. The doors were closed already, and I heard the first keys of the organ from inside. One last time I looked back and inhaled a last breath of fresh air. Her smell was lingering here, but not strong enough to make my throat ache too much. I would not breathe for the next hour, I decided, before carefully opening the door, taking one of the offered songbooks from the stand, and slipped into the last row of the benches. Nobody noticed my arrival.

Maybe she would not even be here, I realized. What did a pastor in training do anyway?

Then the music ended, and she raised from her seat to make her way up to the altar. She was wearing a white dress shirt and a green stole over a pair of black dress pants and her dark blond hair curled playfully above her shoulders in what might be called a long bob. She had a very feminine body shape I realized now without all the thick layers of clothing from that fateful night – how many weeks ago? – not slim at all and as far as I could tell her waist was a little too wide for an hourglass-figure, but feminine after all.

And then she spoke. Even my vampire memory had not done her any justice. Her voice was full and warm, a full alto and even without any technical support, she was able to fill the whole building with her words. It took my breath away and I gasped.

That was probably the stupidest move I had ever made in my whole existence because the same way her voice had filled my ears before, her smell now filled my whole body. Even all the other smells in the rooms that mixed with hers did not lessen the effect and my mouth was filled with venom before she had even finished the next word. I could be at her throat in less than another word, sinking my teeth into the soft rosé of her neck in even less time. The church would be in chaos then and I would have to stop everyone from escaping to not break the Volturi’s laws. Maybe I could set a fire to the whole building afterward, make it look like the roof falling down was the reason for all the broken bones and necks I would leave behind. It would be a tragedy, so many lives lost, women, children, young and old alike, all dead within minutes as the doors wouldn’t open, no survivors at all.

A tragedy, truly, but nobody would be able to tell what truly had happened here. There would be no way to connect us to this tragedy and the only reminder of it would be my red eyes when I returned home today.

I tensed, ready to jump. A strong hand closed around my wrist, not enough to hold me back if I really tried, but enough to snap me out of the downward spiral of my mind.

My eyes widened at Kate’s face next to me and for a moment my mind was screaming at me in gluttony, unwilling to share a single drop of blood even with somebody I had called my sister for nearly a millennium.

“Stop,” her lips formed inaudible. She could not know, right? It was impossible for her to smell the same as I did. The feeding frenzy tried to kick in, trying to force me to attack my sister first, so I did not have to share her blood with anybody.

The sane part of my brain knew that she was right, and I stopped breathing instantly. My throat was still on fire, my eyes black as night again even after feeding only hours ago. I felt the agony on my face and Kate raised her fingers to my cheeks, softly caressing me. “Why haven’t you told me?” Words only meant for immortal ears with the pain of betrayal in her eyes.

I just shook my head, still forcing down the burning red that wanted to overtake my vision. _I couldn’t have_ , my eyes tried to tell her.

She pulled me towards her, covering my nose with the familiar scent of her hair as she pulled my face into her throat – my mind was unable to understand the trust of this movement – but I did not dare to breathe.

“Don’t be ashamed,” she whispered on. I shook my head ‘no’. That was not my reasoning.

“I want her so badly.” I allowed myself to say, using nearly all the air in my lungs. But as much as I wanted her blood, I wanted her as my mate so much more and I knew that Kate could not understand this without me telling her. But how to form the words? How to make her understand?

Around us the people rose, the organ beginning to play an unfamiliar tune. I looked up from my sister’s throat for just a moment and met Eleonora’s eyes as if they had called mine to hers. Her eyes widened in surprise as she recognized the stranger from New Year’s Eve and then they filled with unmeasurable happiness and the smile returned, the one with the dimples that weren’t really there under her full cheeks.

The desire to feed was overruled by the desire to wrap her in my arms, to protect her from all harm and pain, to keep this smile on her face forever.

She moved down the steps towards her place in the first row and I lost sight of her far too soon, but I could hear the fluttering of her heartbeat even over the music.

“Let’s leave,” Kate urged me to move.

“I can’t,” I whispered, the ‘I’ nearly inaudible even to me. “She knows I’m here.”

I knew it would not make sense to her. Her knowing that I was there was making us leaving even more urgent. But disappearing now would make the smile dimmish and I could not break her heart like that. I wasn’t even sure why she was even happy about me being here, but I wanted to see her again, hear her voice fill the emptiness of the high ceiling again and make her smile.

I could hear her singing now, filling in the notes of the congregation with the same fullness of her words before.

“Please,” I whispered into my sister’s neck. Then I was out of air. I did not dare to breathe again for the rest of the service, but we stayed all the way through unknown liturgies and songs, bible stories I had forgotten about by now; we stayed on the bench during communion and I assumed we looked like we were grieving a terrible loss there in the back of the church, insecure of this new surroundings, searching a safe haven in the arms of God. And I did feel like grieving some kind of loss when I heard her preach of God’s love and his forgiveness and his plans for every person because it was easy to feel how much she believed in this.

Her English was fluent, but I still noticed the small pronunciation inconsistencies that reminded me of a home I hadn’t considered as that in years. I knew Kate would hear it too, but most of the time I was too mesmerized by words that held no meaning in them for me but were filled with all the importance of my existence just by her speaking them.

“She has a very beautiful voice,” Kate whispered when the clergy and the elders went towards the end of the church in a procession. My throat felt tight again, so I just nodded my head. Everybody else was standing again, slowly following their leaders towards the doors. They had been invited to stay for coffee and tea in an adjacent building, so I assumed most of them were headed that way.

I was scared to move my body in the slightest, so Kate and I stayed in our seats until nearly everybody was gone. Then we slowly got up; our synchronicity a product of years over years of time spent together.

“I don’t think I have seen you in our parish before.” The friendly voice of the resident pastor suddenly spoke behind us. He had done the announcements during the service, but I hadn’t even really noticed him before. He was an elderly man, maybe fifty with white streaks in his sparse hair. He had been at the door before, sending off the members of the congregation that wouldn’t stay. So, when had he moved to the entrance of our bench row? And how had I missed it?

I still had not taken another breath of air, so I was glad when Kate started to talk instead. “No, you haven’t,” she agreed, sending a dazzling smile his way. He seemed to lose his train of thought for a moment. Neither Kate nor I had ever tried to ruin a pastor’s reputation, I was sure, but Kate was on a good way to ruin this man’s marriage. If I hadn’t been so focused on the task of not killing anybody today, I might have considered pitying him. Right now, I just wanted him to disappear.

“We don’t really come to the city often,” Kate continued easily. This hopefully would stop him from his apparent desire to win us over to become regulars at his church.

“You’re from the countryside?” he concluded still baffled by our beauty.

My eyes traveled towards the door, searching for her. I wasn’t sure what they would show, so I stopped myself, willing down the desire inside myself.

Kate just smiled again. He apparently took that for a ‘yes’. It wasn’t really a lie, so it was fine, I assumed. Denali was part of the countryside after all, though not in the immediate vicinity of Anchorage at all.

“It appeared…” he hesitated a little, maybe unsure how to approach women like us in general. “… that you might be in search of some guidance?” His offer was honest, while it was obvious that he could not think of anything he would be able to help us with. Beauty opened a lot of doors in this world after all.

My eyes had reached the door after all. The church was empty now and Eleonora was gone. I felt a throbbing pain in my chest, empty and hollow. I knew that she would probably be with her congregation now, but I still had hoped that maybe she would want to see me…

“Why don’t you join us for some tea? Or would you prefer a more private place to talk?” It would have been easy to imagine him hopeful for some lone time with one of us, but my mind was too distracted, and maybe I was doing him an injustice. I wasn’t Edward after all and my opinion on men was a little biased when it came to their primal desires. Right now, my thoughts were stuck in a painful downward motion towards depression.

Kate would find a way to excuse us, I was sure, so I let myself fall into the feeling. It would probably be easier to let her go after this refusal… right?

“You came!”

My eyes flew open, my body jerked back to life and I barely stopped myself from taking a deep breath. With her right in front of me, this congregation would have mourned two clerics at once. Still, I felt my heart tighten and flutter in happiness, even if I logically knew that it hadn’t moved in one thousand years.

She was standing right in front of me and I noticed a thin layer of makeup on her face, skillfully applied to cover the wideness of her jaw and accentuate the length of her lashes and the beautiful green color of her eyes. I… didn’t like it. It was pretty and not oppressive, but it covered too much of her skin; skin I hadn’t been allowed to touch yet and maybe would never be allowed to touch.

She looked at me expectantly, but I had no air, no words to answer and my eyes probably resembled the pastor’s just a moment before, filled with awe as much as with shock.

She looked away and I wanted to stretch out my hand and lift her chin and force her to look at me again. I didn’t.

“I didn’t expect you to,” she admitted. Was she… sad?

Dear God above, I had to breath. I had to talk to her, to make her pain disappear, to make her smile again for me. But if I did, I would kill her, and I could never allow that.

“Do you know these ladies, Lee?” The resident pastor gave her a surprised look and I flinched. I did not like this nickname at all. It did not fit! It made her appear so… regular. Nothing like her at all.

Confusion appeared on Kate’s face and so it did on Eleonora’s.

“I…” She blushed again. “She helped me find my way when I got lost on New Year’s Eve,” she explained, and I refused to notice the moment of understanding in Kate’s eyes at this.

“But I did not expect her to come to one of our services!” She looked at me again, searching for an explanation and I had to speak now. I could not bear to see the disappointment in her eyes again when I stayed silent.

“How about we join you for the tea after all?” Kate suggested suddenly.

“Oh… yes, of course. Please, join us,” the pastor stammered, and Eleonora’s eyes flipped to my sister. Maybe she recognized the similarities that made it easy for strangers to believe our relationship. Nobody ever noticed the differences: the different hair colors, the structure of our hair, the shapes of our faces. The beauty blinded them and maybe their brains refused the idea of two people sharing this kind of beauty without any kind of genetic similarities.

We stepped outside and I turned away from her, looking at Kate for a moment and took a deep breath while our hands were locked into each other tightly and hard enough to break through granite. Kate was ready to shock me into submission if necessary, I knew that, and it helped to focus on the coldness of the air instead of on her face. One gulp of air wouldn’t help me through a lot of words though. I had to think of an excuse fast-

“I have to call Eleazar,” Kate suddenly said. “He will worry where we are. I don’t want him to wait for us. Just one moment?” In only a blink of an eye, Kate made possible what I had hoped for so badly.

Both pastors stopped, looking at us. “I will go first,” the pastor explained, and my chest widened in hope. Did I really get this moment with her in peace and with fresh air to breathe? “Will you stay with our guests for the moment, Lee?”

“Of course, I will. Thank you, David.” And then we were alone. Kate had walked away far enough to not be suspicious while calling Eleazar. She was still in hearing – and shocking – distance if necessary, though. The pastor left through a door and suddenly I was alone with her and I could finally speak.

“I like the way your voice fills the room when you speak.” I groaned on the inside as soon as the words had left my lips. Really? That was the first thing I said to her? A compliment on her voice? What was wrong with me?

She blushed and looked away. “Thanks.”

I could see her pick at the skin of her fingernails. I flinched, knowing how easily this could start bleeding.

“I was close by and I thought I would just come to the service. Make sure you made it there safely.” Not really any better than my previous attempt on a conversation but enough to distract her from her fingers. She even laughed a little. It was not the full smile with the hidden dimples, but it made it easier to think of words.

“I am not really the religious type,” I admitted carefully. “It was all very unfamiliar to me, but it was very nice.” _Too weak_ , I groaned. In which universe was that a compliment?

To my surprise, her smile grew.

“I would have been surprised if you were,” she commented. “Religious I mean.” I wasn’t sure what to make of her words, but I didn’t have to. “Who is she?” she asked looking towards Kate who was on the phone with Eleazar still. What was she telling him for so long? But I did not want to miss a single moment of talking to Eleonora, so I did not eavesdrop on her.

“My sister,” I answered habitually and added “Kate.”

“Short for Katharina?” she assumed, and I remembered her asking about ‘Tanya’ before.

“Don’t ever call her that to her face”, I warned but my voice was soft with humor.

“And who is Eleazar?” she wanted to know next. I hesitated for a moment to make sure that we had our story straight.

“Our cousin. He and his wife live with us.” And just because I was already on a good way to say far too much. “So does my sister’s boyfriend.” This was a weird way to call Garrett, but they had not made it any more official than that, and ‘mate’ really wasn’t a word you could use in normal conversation with humans.

“And you?” The question came quickly and she turned away nearly as soon as the words had left her lips. I wasn’t sure what she meant at all.

“Yes, and me,” I spoke slowly, unsure about the intention behind her asking. “Only Kate was willing to join me today, though.”

Her eyes flickered over to Kate again, who was still on the phone. No way a conversation with Eleazar would ever take that long. Was she… faking it to give me more time with Eleonora? But what else could I talk to her about?

“I liked your sermon.” Now that was a real compliment!

“Really?” She looked at me and her eyes filled with hope before insecurity took over. “I don’t know… I feel like I still can’t use English to its full potential. You know? Find the right words and all. It’s so much easier when I do it in German.”

I couldn’t stop myself. “Ich bin mir sicher, dass sie auch auf deutsch nicht besser hätte sein können.“ [I am sure you couldn't have done it any better in German.]

Her eyes widened. “You speak German!” She realized that she was still speaking English and laughed. It was the honest laugh, the one that seemed to fill every cell of my body with warmth and I joined in.

“I haven’t in a while,” I explained. Maybe about five centuries, I mused. “I might be a little rusty.” That was a lie. My vocabulary might be a little outdated, but I was sure I still remembered everything else. “So, if you ever miss speaking German, you could just refresh my memory and teach me.” The words left my mouth without thinking and I knew it wasn’t a good idea to be alone with her like that, but her eyes were shining happily and I knew that I was willing to suffer through any minute of closeness if I could just see her again.

“That… would be nice.” Her voice did not mirror the meaning of her voice at all. I frowned. Did she not like the idea of ‘teaching’ me?

Then she shivered and I realized she was only wearing a blazer over her dress shirt. The snow was still thick around us.

“You’re cold,” I stated the obvious. “I am so sorry for keeping you out here.” I had to get her inside, but that meant I would need to leave her, and my heart ached at the thought.

Kate was next to me a moment later. “I am truly sorry, but Eleazar is already on his way to pick us up. I don’t think we have time for tea.” Her apology was perfectly honest and even more perfectly timed, and I knew it was the right thing to do, even if my body and soul rebelled against it.

“I see…” I hoped I did not imagine the sadness of our departure in her voice because it would lessen the pain in my chest even just for a little while.

She had wrapped her arms around herself by now, trying to keep out the cold. “Will you come again for a service?” How much I wished she would have stopped after the ‘again’, but she didn’t, and I realized that I might have praised the service too much. Die she hope on me conversing now? Just the idea seemed ridiculous.

“Sure”, I heard myself answer anyway.

Her face lit up and she moved towards the door. “See you then!” She called back, waving and still shivering from the cold.

“Would you care to explain what just happened?”, Kate snapped at me as soon as we were out of sight from the church building.

I frowned and didn’t answer immediately. Instead, I looked around for a moment. “Is Eleazar picking us up or do we run home?” I wanted to know instead, of course, I kept my voice too low for any possible passersby to understand. Even just running home in our current clothes would have led to confused looks.

She answered with a frown on her own. “Running. They’ll be waiting at home for us.”

Great.

I took another look around.

“Let’s walk towards the tree line in human speed and run from there”, she suggested.

“Alright.” I fell into silence again. The good feeling of meeting Eleonora was already diminishing again. This codependency was getting out of hand fast. It was like she was the air I need for breathing, but I was a vampire, I didn’t need to breathe.

Kate waited for a few minutes, probably expecting an answer to her question after all. The air between us became more and more loaded by the minute. I ignored her expectations completely. “You already escaped this situation once?” Kate snapped. It wasn’t really a question but a statement of what she had learned from the short conversation we had shared. “Why would you willingly go back?” Her words appeared very reasonable and I would probably have asked the same if I hadn’t felt what I was feeling now myself.

I gritted my teeth together. I hated the assumption that I came here today to kill her. It was the obvious conclusion to my behavior but I hated how close I had come to just kill her, to stop her heart from beating forever, her cheeks from flushing, and her face from smiling ever again. It was sickening.

“I know it’s hard for you lately, Tanya”, she tried again. “I spend to much time with Garrett and leave you alone.” Why did she need to be so reasonable right now? Wasn’t I supposed to be the head of our family?

“It’s not that”, I mumbled.

She ignored me. “If you struggled, we would have helped you. All of us.” I knew that. A lot of attention was still on Garrett. He had lived the ‘normal’, non-vegetarian way for a long time. Changing your lifestyle from one day to another wasn’t easy and nobody expected him to just succeed. And he did have quite a few throwbacks over the last two decades. I hated the idea of being in this kind of center of attention. And my problem was after all not my general control. “Is it because of Irina?”

I groaned audibly now. A young couple’s heads turned in our direction. I lowered my volume again. “I don’t struggle, Kate.”

She waited until we reached the corner. “You nearly slaughtered a church full of people.” That was true I assumed. “Are you searching for somebody to blame?” Wait, she thought I wanted to blame that on their god? And try to punish an unseeable deity by killing its believers? I was very clear on who I was blaming and if I ever met Caius again, I might lose myself.

“No, I am very sure about who I blame for her death.” And I was pretty sure that Kate shared my sentiment. It was hard to forget his role in our mother’s demise too. But if she poked around blindly any longer, I might become unreasonable angry with her. “I did not go there today to kill her or anybody else for that matter.”

I sighed. She looked confused. “I wanted to see her.” It felt like a shameful admission somehow.

And apparently, it did not explain anything. “See her?”

“I know it’s stupid, Kate. I don’t have enough self-control for that.” I had to clear up a few things I assumed. “I guess she smells good for you, too?”

“The priestess?” I nodded, even if the title was not correct. “A little too sweet maybe, but yes? Why?”

“It’s so much stronger for me.” There was no way to compare it logically, but I just _knew_. “You remember when Edward came here in ‘03?”

All of us did, but the first son of Carlisle hadn’t really explained much until years later. Apparently, it dawned on Kate anyway. “It’s like that?” She sounded impressed. I didn’t think I deserved that.

“I can only assume of course, but yes, I think it is what Aro calls a singer.” There was no way of keeping any more secrets from her now. “I think it might actually be some kind of … calling?” It was hard to find words to explain my suspicion. “The blood calling on the vampire not for feeding but for creating.” I shivered with the sheer thought of it; I wasn’t sure if in disgust or anticipation.

“Creating?” Kate repeated. We had reached the trees by now but were still moving at a very human speed.

“Yes, creating.” I took another breath just to steal myself in front of the word I was planning to say. “Creating a mate.”

If I didn’t know any better, I would have said Kate just stumbled over a root. She came to a sudden stop without her usual grace. I stopped a few meters ahead.

“It’s just a theory,” I added weakly, but it didn’t appear that she even heard me. She turned her head back toward where we left, and I felt anxious as she kept her reaction to herself this long.

“Kate,” I began, but she was faster.

“Alright. Let’s tell Carmen, Eleazar, and Garrett and get on with it.”

I blinked confused. Get on with it?

“We are a family. It is only fair to ask them for their opinion on the matter.” I still did not know what she was talking about. “Garrett is still fairly young to our lifestyle, but he is doing well lately, and we all want you to be happy.” I did not like where this was going at all. “Four of us should be able to handle a newborn together.”

“No!” The words left my mouth before hers were even finished. I forced myself to stay calm because for a moment I felt like attacking her for just suggesting this. “No,” I said calmer. “That’s not what I was trying to say, Kate.”

It was her turn to be confused again. We truly weren’t on the same page today at all.

“I don’t want to change her”, I explained myself further.

“But you just said that her blood is calling onto you to do that.” Of course, she was right about this. And it was easy to see that she just wanted me to be happy. She always had. She even ignored the whole gender question completely for my sake.

Her frown deepened a moment later. “Tanya… I don’t think… that you would be able to…” Her words were hesitant. “You said yourself that your self-control isn’t that good. And I’m not sure if mine would be or, by all means, Garrett’s.”

I was faster to understand her meaning now. “No! No, not that either, Kate.” I sighed and looked up to the trees for a moment. “I don’t want to do what Edward did. I am really not masochistically inclined like that.”

“Then what do you want to do?” She looked at me confused.

“I want her to live her life.” I sighed. “And stop torturing myself before I get her as involved as Edward did.” The depression Bella had fallen into after Edward left her that had led to him nearly taking his life in Volterra wasn’t a secret. I couldn’t let it come to that. “I shouldn’t have gone there today in the first place. The less I see her, the easier it will be for both of us.”

The message in Kate’s eyes was clear. She did not approve. “Tanya– “

I stopped her. “It’s not up to debate.”

I turned and started to run through the trees now. Kate’s footsteps echoed after mine.

“That’s pretty masochistic!” she called after me. I ignored her.

I slowed my step a little when I started to recognize the Denali forests around us. I owed her an explanation for my stubbornness at least. “There just is no place for me in her life,” I said as soon as Kate had reached up with me.

My sister threw me a questioning look, expecting me to continue with a further explanation.

I obliged. “She is a pastor in training.” Which made the problem quite obvious, didn’t it? “She already filled her life with meaning,” I continued. “It’s not important if I believe in a god or not, because she does. You heard her preach today. She believes in a better life after this, how could I refuse her this hope?”

“Nobody knows what happens after this life,” she frowned. “For all we know she could just cease to exist completely.” I didn’t like the implications of her words, but at the same time, they mirrored exactly what I felt when it came to faith.

“Well, yes, but that’s not the point.” Or maybe it was that exactly. “It’s about what she believes in, not what I do.”

“Is it really?”

I frowned. Of course, it was!

“Let’s call Carlisle,” she suggested. I just stared at her.

“What?”

“If any vampire we know is an expert on faith, it is Carlisle. He’s a pastor’s son after all.” She had already pulled out her smartphone and dialed the familiar number.

I recognized the voice on the other side of the connection as soon as he said Kate’s name.

“Kate! Is everything alright? Carlisle is at work right now. Strict no cellphone policy.” I could only assume he had seen Kate calling in one of Alice’s impromptu visions.

I pulled the phone from Kate’s fingers as fast as I could before she could shock me in submission. “It is nothing, Edward. Just a small disagreement between sisters – Ouch!”

I dropped the phone into Kate’s waiting hand, while my knees weakened under my body. “Tanya is having a small crisis regarding faith it appears. Just ask him to call back?”

I could perfectly imagine Edward’s face after this revelation, and I groaned. Edward honestly was the last person I wanted to know about this.

“I did not take Tanya for the religious type,” he stated questioningly. My knees were still weak under me and refused to move my body.

“She is not, but her mate might be.”

“Kate!” I yanked the phone from her fingers, crushing it in the same movement. I didn’t care if she was angry about this. I just had to stop her before she made more of a fool of me in front of Edward than I had already done myself over the years.

I looked at her angrily. “What happened to ‘talking about it as a family’,” I snapped at her angrily, dropping the broken parts into her hand. Maybe the information saved on the cards would still be retrievable.

Then I dashed through the trees higher into the mountains. I felt like ripping apart a grizzly bear right now. I shouldn’t hunt this close to our home, but one bear less would not make anybody suspicious of us, and ripping a grizzly apart was a lot better than ripping Kate apart. The fight with Garrett afterward would definitely not be worth the process, if I was even able to get to her. One load of electricity truly was enough for one day.


	3. Family Council

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No running away from your family anymore, Tanya.

When I returned home – covered in blood and fur – all of them waited for me in the living room. Apparently, it was time for a family meeting. I groaned.

“Can I at least take a shower before you all rip me apart?” Not literally, I hoped. I stamped up the stairs and got into the shower without even taking off my clothes first. They were ruined anyway. Which was a shame because I really liked the jacket. Nobody to blame but myself for this. It truly wasn’t Kate’s fault, I knew that. She had tried to help, and I already knew that I had my head stuck up my ass for weeks already.

I sighed and leaned my head against the cold tiles for a moment. It wasn’t their decision to make, was it not? So why was it so important for them?

I came back down in a simple black dress.

“I’m sorry about your phone, Kate,” I apologized honestly.

“It wasn’t my place to call them. I’m sorry.” I finally felt like talking with my sister again, as close as we had been in the church in the morning and not for a long time before that. I hugged her tightly, placing my face in her hair and breathing in her smell.

“I tried to explain what you told me before, but it will be easier if you tell us your side of the story,” Kate said after a while and I slowly let go of her. I decided I wanted to sit and pulled out a chair for myself. The others followed my example.

“On New Year’s Eve, I went to Anchorage intending to find myself some distraction in one of the clubs.” I left out the part where I tried to distract myself from their happiness. “Instead I ran into a young woman on the streets. She had lost her way and ended up on a side road right in the industrial district.” I closed my eyes, just remembering for a moment. “I nearly jumped her then and there.”

Carmen tried to hide her gasp. I did not blame her.

“Her blood smelled… just so perfect.” Like anise I remembered now, sweet and still intensely herbal at the same time and warm, so, so warm. It smelled like winter in front of a fire, like Christmas and home. I had no memories of my human life that involved anise at all, but something about it still felt so incredibly familiar after meeting her on that fateful day. “The only thing that stopped me from just killing her that moment was that I hated the idea of staining Irina’s memory like that.” It hurt to speak of it with them like this, but at the same time, I felt like something heavy was lifted from my chest.

“I even showed her the way,” I laughed ironically. I honestly wasn’t sure how I did that. “I am pretty sure that it is the same phenomenon Aro called a singer in front of Edward.” And now the awkward part once more… “After experiencing it myself I am pretty sure that it is not just part of our desire to feed.” Nobody interrupted me this time, which kind of helped to focus my thoughts. “I assume that the Volturi just never considered anything else just because nobody ever lived long enough to feel what Edward felt towards Bella back then or me right now.”

They apparently knew this part already because nobody appeared to be surprised.

“It’s only a theory but I think the desire to drink their blood is not meant to be drinking all of it at once. Instead, the incredible smell should lead to the desire to drink it over and over again; to stop before it is too late, to change them.” At least that was what my mind made out to be the most reasonable explanation for all this. “I might be wrong, but… once I got over the earth-shattering desire to feed, I realized how much more important it is to keep her safe, to keep her happy. I want – no that’s not strong enough – I need to protect her, to make her smile, to just see her.” My words just couldn’t do the feeling any justice, but I knew that all of them had felt the same before, not for a human but for the person sitting right next to them. Even Garett who seemed to enjoy challenging Kate’s ability over and over just for the ‘fun’ of it, would never be forced to suffer at Kate’s hands unnecessarily.

I looked at Kate, unsure if she had mentioned any more than this. She nodded for me to continue. “I think it is part of our desire to mate.”

I fell silent again for a moment. “But at the same time, I could never make her unhappy. Which leads to a big conflict in this case.” Maybe they would be a little more understanding of my hesitation than Kate had been. “She is working as a preacher and is on her way to become a pastor herself.”

Nobody said anything. Was I supposed to say more? I couldn’t think of anything else.

After a long moment, Garett was brave enough to say something. “I don’t want to be rude, really, but will nobody address the irony of the very reason for succubus legends all over the world falling for a human _female_?”

Kate shocked him and he slipped under the table and into a boneless mess.

Maybe she was able to do him harm after all.

He deserved it, I decided. His words still hit right home.

A long moment of silence followed.

“For this cause, God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change their natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working that which is unseemly and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.” It was Carmen who whispered just one of the bible verses that came to mind on this topic. I groaned in pain. Did she really need to remind me?

“Ouch.” Garett was crawling out from under the table, rubbing his arm. Kate gave him a warning look and he kept silent.

“It’s not just that,” I allowed myself to say. “She truly believes in this: an afterlife, God’s plan, or whatever. How could I refuse her that?”

“Why shouldn’t she be able to hold onto that faith even as a vampire?” His voice came from the door and I actually nearly jumped. Carlisle was standing there with Edward right next to him. They must have moved into our closer neighborhood recently if they were able to be here this fast.

I looked at Kate accusingly. “Hey, you broke my phone. How should I have told them not to come?”

“How about Garett’s phone? Or Carmen’s?” I mumbled to myself.

I got up anyway, making my way over to greet our old friends.

“It wasn’t far. We bought a new house close to the Canadian border,” Edward answered an unspoken question.

“You coming really wasn’t necessary,” I said but hugged Carlisle closely.

“Edward said you sounded very upset, Tanya. Of course, it was necessary.” And it was hard not to believe his honest golden eyes. It was hard in general to not feel appreciation whenever Carlisle offered up his compassion.

“I was upset with Kate for calling in the first place,” I argued. “I don’t think involving this many people on something I already made up my mind about anyway is necessary.” And to be honest, if I had to explain myself one more time, I might scream.

“You don’t have to. We heard most of it.” Edward had read that thought in my mind apparently.

“We are sorry for eavesdropping.” At least Carlisle had the decency to apologize for listening to conversations that weren’t meant for his ears. Edward never had done that before, but maybe it was just part of all the mindreading – it was hard not to eavesdrop when you did it constantly without even trying, I assumed.

They did miss the point of my argument though.

“You did so much for us when Edward was the one struggling” – Carlisle gave Edward a pointed look, he ignored it as pointedly – “it is our turn now to return the favor.”

“We were the reason for some of your trouble in the first place,” I reminded him, ignoring the stinging of my own words. Carlisle would never blame us for what happened, but I never really forgave myself for not coming with Irina on this fateful day. She might still be alive if I hadn’t failed my role as a leader of our family that day.

I sighed and returned to the topic at hand before Edward felt the desire to comment on my self-doubts. “It is not the same as it was for Edward in the first place. I won’t see her ever again.”

“You promised her like five hours ago to come to another of her services,” Kate reminded me. “And to let her teach you German.” I could see the other’s raise an eyebrow at this last part. Everybody knew that I already spoke German fluently.

I looked at Kate annoyedly. “She has to deal with being disappointed then.” I had never meant the words in the first place, right?

I tried to ignore Edward’s knowing look concerning this.

“It’s not the same!” I snapped at him anyway. “I talked with her for about fifteen minutes in total. She doesn’t even know me.”

“Don’t try to tell me that you don’t know how people react to our kind.” Once more Edward was right of course. I was a professional at using this to my advantage after all.

“It’s not the same!” I sounded like a broken record. God, she probably didn’t even know what a record player even was. She was barely a child compared to me.

“Because you both are women?” he assumed. Of course, he was right with this assumption too. “You know it is pretty common by now, right? I mean it probably always was, but it is publicly accepted now.”

For a moment I considered if I could throw something at him or if he would be able to dodge in time. The answer was truly obvious, so I didn’t try the impossible. “She is on her way to become a pastor, Edward.”

“There are churches that especially cater to homosexuals,” Carlisle offered, and it was easy to tell that he himself was still struggling with this concept. I frowned for a different reason. I had not really considered applying the word ‘homosexual’ to myself.

“In Europe, there are quite a few homosexual pastors too, I heard.” Carlisle truly did his best to put his own doubts aside in my favor. I appreciated his effort. Still, I knew that ‘quite a few’ was less than 0.1% of all pastors worldwide, probably still less than 1% even if I only considered Europe. It was my turn to give him a pointed look now.

He sighed and placed himself on a sofa, waving me to follow. It was very human which annoyed me a little right now. I obliged anyway.

“Do you truly think that God – who sacrificed his own son for mankind with only one commandment to love him and everybody as much as yourself – would condemn somebody for loving somebody else? Especially if it is as strong as we can feel for our kind?” Carlisle offered me.

I frowned – and for one moment amusedly considered the idiom of it getting stuck if you did it too much. “I don’t consider a god at all, Carlisle.” He already knew that about me, so why did he even try?

“Then why do you resist the idea of changing her so much at all?” Why did everybody feel like they needed to know that from me? And who was Carlisle to talk in the first place? Everybody he had changed, had been on the brink of death before he even considered it.

“Because she believes in it,” I repeated myself once more, feeling my frown deepen even more – maybe I would look like Alistair if it actually could get stuck – a terrible picture.

Carlisle shook his head once more, smiling at me softly. “I don’t think you are honest with yourself.”

 _Why was everybody questioning me today?,_ I mentally exclaimed. If I threw something at Carlisle it might actually hit him. That would be really childish though. – I still enjoyed the way Edward winched.

“It wouldn’t bother you this much if you did not consider some importance behind all of it,” Carlisle tried to explain. I thought about that for a moment.

“It’s important for her.” But my words sounded more hesitant than I cared to admit.

“I assume it is,” he agreed. “But would you accept that at all if you did not consider some kind of worth behind her faith?”

“I respect your faith and don’t share your beliefs.” Weren’t we going in circles here?

He tried a different approach next. “You are far older than me, Tanya, and I know that I will never be able to fathom the things you experienced in all your life, especially as a woman.” He was right about that at least. The doors to the universities or even just basic education had never been closed for him in his life because of his gender. And beauty wasn’t able to break open every door in your life after all, at least not a few centuries ago. Of course, I had always enjoyed the more physical sides of our existence to the fullest, but it wasn’t like I had ever really had an alternative.

I wasn’t sure what this had to do with our previous discussion though. “And it is easy to blame a religion that was and, in some ways, still is enforcing a male superiority, but this is the believer’s fault, not God’s. And I am sure that you know that already. You were raised in this faith as much as I have been including all its faulty human interpretations.” I knew that he would never claim to be above these mistakes himself. In this aspect, he considered himself very human still.

But I really couldn’t argue his observations much. I had never really lived after its commandments, but religion had always been part of my life.

“Most of the younger generations feel like they don’t need any religion in their life anymore, because of all the things science knows today, but don’t you think it is a good thing to find somebody who shares your basics in religion?”

Why was everybody so eager on me settling down with somebody nobody except Kate had even met? Nobody had bothered me about a mate for centuries before today. And suddenly everybody expected me to change my lifestyle from one day to another?

“You don’t have to change her, Tanya, not today, not ever, if you don’t want to, but you could at least give her a chance? Get to know her. Give her a chance and maybe she is more openminded than you think.” Carlisle offered as a compromise.

At least I had an answer for that. “Even if I would decide to do that, meet with her, I mean, I couldn’t. I am not strong enough for that.”

“You give yourself to little credit.” Carlisle and his always positive opinions on others…

“I really don’t. If Kate hadn’t been there today, we would be watching news reports on a tragic church fire in Anchorage that killed dozens of innocent churchgoers.” There truly was no reason to debase any of this. Honesty was the only way to deal with this in my opinion.

“Nobody said you had to go alone,” he interjected.

Now I blinked at him. “You want to chaperone me?” This was ridiculous. What next? Take her on a stroll through the gardens? Ask her to save a dance for me on her dance card? Maybe duel somebody in her favor? Were there even this kind of gender roles in a same-sex couple? And would I have to be the male part because I was older? The whole concept seemed abstruse just thinking about it. But I had never met a lesbian vampire couple before or even talked with a human one. Maybe I should read some books or something. I laughed at the mere idea of walking into a library to pick up some guides on a homosexual lifestyle.

“No, but we could make it a family trip.” He was absolutely serious about this idea.

“You want to go to church with me?”

“I admit I am very curious to learn more about her.” Maybe I did not appreciate honesty as much as I had thought before.

“You could ask her to join us for something outdoorsy,” Carmen suggested suddenly. “You said it was easier outside than inside.” They were all far to involved in this in my opinion.

“It’s winter. She will freeze her toes off,” I reminded blankly.

“She could wear warm clothes,” Eleazar tried to be useful.

“Maybe she does not like to be outside?” I offered next.

“Maybe you are trying to avoid her on purpose now!” Kate was annoyed with me and crossed her arms over her chest. “We will go there again next week and then you will ask her for her phone number.” It was not a suggestion and I knew she was right, at least on the part of me going again next week.

Everybody else seemed to easily accept Kate’s decision – so much for me being the leader of our family – and ended the topic with this.

“How is your beautiful wife doing, Edward?” Eleazar asked instead.

“Right now, probably still trying to stop Reneesme and Jacob from going skydiving next week.” He laughed and I wasn’t sure why he was even worried. It wasn’t like either of them could even get hurt in the first place. “She is really into extreme sports recently.” He didn’t sound happy.

Eleazar laughed. “Catching up on her teenager years?” he assumed.

“Send them over for some off-road snowboarding!” Garett added. “Kate won’t join me.”

Kate scoffed; Edward groaned. Everybody else laughed loudly, even me.

“Emmet and Rosalie want to get married again,” Carlisle added to the fun.

“Will we be invited this time?” Kate tried sounding offended because last time the two of them had just taken off to Las Vegas to marry for probably the twentieth time by now.

“I’ll ask them,” Carlisle promised.

It was easy to forget about her while talking with our extended family until late into the next morning, but as soon as this conversation slowly dispended the thoughts of her green eyes and non-dimpling dimples returned. I walked outside for a while, dropping myself into a snowdrift and just stared up into the for once blue sky.

I heard the steps before I could see him, but I did not bother to check for his smell. The situation was very similar to one we had had two decades ago, just the other way around. I hoped he was a little bit more mature than me and not jump into the snow right next to me to cover me from head to toes. I really wouldn’t be angry if he did because I knew it was fun to do so.

He was more grown-up though, and just placed himself a few feet away next to me in the snow. He had always been a lot more mature than me, even in his way of dealing with his whole situation all those years ago. I honestly hadn’t taken well to his rejection back then. I just wasn’t used to men refusing me, I guessed.

“That’s not true,” Edward interrupted my thoughts. Sometimes I could nearly forget about his ability to read my mind.

“It is,” I argued before he could pick out another of my thoughts. Normally he accepted my wish for a normal conversation gracefully. “You had so much less time to strengthen yourself against the smell of human blood and are so much better at it anyway.” But that wasn’t really the point. “And you met every challenge head-on just to be with your family.”

“You were the one who reminded me of that in the first place.” I had, hadn’t I? I never considered he had actually listened to me though.

“How are you this grown-up, Edward?” I sighed.

“Only because I look like I’m seventeen I don’t have to behave like that as well.” I did not look like I was seventeen and still behaved like a child most of the time. It did not appear to matter that I was nearly one thousand years old and he was barely older than a century.

“It’s a good ability to keep some of your youth.”

“I’m not keeping my youth; I am running away from my problems,” I argued.

“That is a very grown-up thing to say.”

I snorted. “I am ten times your age, Edward and even in my human age, I wouldn’t pass as your sister anymore. More like your spinster aunt or something.” The idea was amusing in its own way. How had I even been able to stay without a husband in my time? Maybe Sasha had taken pity in my unmarried self all these years ago.

“A very popular spinster aunt.” We both laughed. It was a lot easier between us since I didn’t try to lure him into my bed, I realized.

“Why do you feel like you don’t deserve a mate?” he suddenly asked. I frowned. I was sure that had not been in any of my thoughts today.

“That’s not my reasoning at all.”

“Then what is your reasoning?” he sounded honestly curious and maybe my thoughts truly were as messy as I felt they were.

“I really don’t know,” I admitted.

“Are you the one who is bothered by her being a woman?” he suggested suddenly, and I knew he hit the nail on the head when I involuntarily tensed.

“I have never considered the possibility.” Which was the truth. And since he already knew my thoughts anyway. “And I’m not sure I enjoy the idea of it.” I leaned onto my right elbow, turning towards him. “I like to be carried on my hands as you might have noticed before.”

“And you think a woman could not do that?” A human woman definitely couldn’t, at least not literally. I laughed a little at the stupid thought.

But to be honest: I had not considered that. Most couples I knew were very… traditional in this aspect. It was strange that I, who was so very proud of my autonomy and independence, would feel the need to fit into outdated gender roles, even if I had been raised into them as a child. I had not once considered myself in need of a husband and was very sure about the way I was using the men I met only for my pleasure. Not that they did not enjoy themselves while I was doing that, but it had always been in my best interest and not theirs.

“I think keeping them alive was very much in their best interest.” He laughed and I rolled my eyes amusedly.

He started over once more after a moment of silence. “I don’t know much about how these kinds of things work with two women, but a relationship is always giving and taking. Nobody is always active, and nobody is always passive, not even Rosalie with all her self-centeredness.” It was truly kind of ridiculous how Edward was teaching me about love right now.

“I learned a lot from Bella,” he admitted in response to my thought I assumed, and I could clearly imagine how this played out between them. “And from Jacob and Renesmee too. It hit him hard when all his friends stopped to transform and began to age. And after his father’s death, he honestly was a mess. It was fascinating how the dynamics changed between them afterward.” He sounded like a proud dad now.

“I am truly happy that you met Bella,” I told him suddenly a little sentimental. It would never have worked out between us, but I still thought that the sex would have been phenomenal.

“You overestimate my skills, Tanya.”

I laughed wholeheartedly. “I don’t think Bella is dissatisfied.”

“We are learning with and from each other,” he said very fast, only to change his voice into a plead next. “Could we change the topic, please?”

I smiled and willed my thoughts to stop as best as I could. I tried to return to the point where this whole conversation had once started. “It just does not fit with how I see myself”, I said questioningly. “The one and only true succubus, you know?”

“Even creatures like us can change,” Edward offered.

“I don’t think that I want to change.” I wasn’t unhappy with who I was, so why should I be the one to change?

“Maybe you won’t even have to,” he suggested. I wasn’t sure if I truly believed him. How could I stay the same and change my way of living this extremely at the same time?

“Don’t force yourself this much.” He really was so much more adult than me most of the time. “I tried to force Bella away from me more than once and I nearly lost her, more than once. Just let it happen.”

And suddenly my face was full of snow. His hands had flicked forward, throwing a chunk of snow right into my mouth. I spitted it out and jumped to my feet. Edward’s form had disappeared from right next to me, but I could still hear him laughing. “Who is all grown up?” He called from between the trees and a snowball hit me right in the shoulder.

I snarled. And with that, the hunt was on.

We returned to the house covered in snow, laughing loudly.

“I definitely won that last battle,” I decided as I opened the door.

“Sure, you did,” Edward answered but the irony was clear in his voice. I ducked from sheer reflex now and another ball of snow flew over my head and straight into Garett’s face.

“You play war and don’t even invite me?” he seemed honestly disappointed but not angry.

“No red-coats in this house,” I promised him amusedly and fell onto one of the chairs at the table. Our snow-fight had erased all my thoughts of mates for a full two hours. _Thanks,_ I mouthed into Edward’s direction. He didn’t look at me, fighting playfully with Garett now, but his lips twitched into a smile.

I did not expect Kate to hand me an eBook reader over the table a few minutes later after I had changed into some drier clothes. “Some research,” she explained and so I spent the next hours reading weird books and brochures about LGBTIQ* and religion and weird things I had not even known to exist before. It really appeared to be a science on its own; a strange new world and I was still hesitant to enter.

It really helped though.

In the end, there was just one curious question left that I hadn’t considered before at all. “How do you find out if somebody is a lesbian in the first place?” It was not like people walked around with a sign on their face or a rainbow flag draped around their shoulders. And I considered just straight up asking to be quite impolite.

“Just talk with her like you do with anybody else,” Carmen suggested. She had been reading magazines quietly next to me up until now.

I honestly did not have much experience in the field of normal conversations with humans without the added interest of sexual intercourse at all, but it seemed ridiculous to admit that.

“She will like you,” she promised with a smile.

“If I don’t kill her,” I interjected sarcastically.

“Kate will be close all the time.” Getting shocked into submission really wasn’t something I wanted to let her see, but it was better than killing her I assumed. Maybe we could make it look like I had some kind of epilepsy or another kind of medical condition.

Carlisle brought a church magazine of Anchorage’s Lutheran Church with him a few days later and I slowly flipped through the pages about different activities and groups. It was all very foreign and appeared a little too forced and far too cheery.

I reached the page about the activities and services for the next months about halfway through. My eyes flickered over the dates and names, even checking out the name of the preachers of each Sunday before realizing that I had no idea what her last name even was. So, I searched for last Sunday instead. ‘Winter’ was written there behind something I assumed to be an abbreviation for a pastor in training. The irony of her coming to Alaska with that last name made me laugh.

Carlisle threw me an asking look at that, but I shook my head. They had decided to stay awhile and I really didn’t mind. The awkwardness that had once existed before Carlisle introduced us to his beautiful wife was a thing of the past for decades already and if anybody had forgiven and forgotten about it, that would be the gold-haired doctor with his all too big heart. – But to be honest: who could blame a woman for trying?

He did not pry, and my eyes scanned over the list of services and the pastors in charge for each of them. On one hand, I truly hoped I would get some more time to prepare for our next meeting; on the other hand, I already missed her so much that waiting for next Sunday seemed nearly impossible. Depending on which argumentation you followed I was very lucky: Right this week’s Sunday service was once again let by young Miss Winter.

I told Kate so and we planned a hunting trip on Saturday to make sure I had as much control as possible. We would take the car with us, to look like we truly came from outside of the city. And hopefully arriving two weeks in a row wouldn’t lead to any suspicions about our desire to become part of their parish.


	4. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed before, there are some German parts in this story. I will translate them in squared brackets at the end of each sentence. If anybody has any better ideas for formatting I would be very grateful.

We arrived only a few minutes before the service to make sure that we could easily slip onto a seat close to the door. Our car was a little bit too shiny in the church’s parking lot, but, same as our cousins, driving fast was a little indulgence we allowed us from time to time. Showing off not only beauty but also money helped with all kinds of businesses too, but I assumed church wouldn’t be one of them.

An elderly woman at the door greeted us and handed us a songbook while staring in sheer shock all the time. I didn’t care. My eyes were searching for the dark blond curls at the front of the church, but while her smell was present everywhere – I felt like my throat burnt just slightly less this week – I could not find her in the crowd.

Kate nearly dragged me to two seats on the last bench and I even imitated the short moment of standing before I sat down next to my sister. Heads turned in our direction, but I only looked for her. And then, finally, the doors closed, and the organ played, and she entered the building through a side door. I stopped breathing instantly, but my eyes didn’t leave her frame for even a moment.

The service was much the same as the last one – of course, with different songs and bible passages – but not for a second, I was bored. Her voice was soothing my heart with every word – without the burning in my throat, it was even better than last week. And like last week she smiled as soon as she saw us in the back of the church.

The service ended all too soon and at the same time never soon enough. Without me breathing in her scent we would be able to join her and the other parishioners afterward for coffee and cookies. We would decline all drinks and food offered to us, of course. Maybe we would find a place close to the door or a window even, so I would have some fresh air just in case.

We moved slowly out of the church again and I hoped for her to catch up to us once more like last time. Instead, she was held up by an elderly woman at the door and just smiled in our direction with an inviting look towards the other building. We obliged her wish.

I felt very much out of place in the community hall. The room was filled with tables, both for sitting and standing, thermos tasks with assumingly coffee, and tableware placed on white sheets. Small groups were sitting distributed all over the room, talking and laughing with each other familiarly. Kate and I chose one of the standing tables and I assumed we looked like wayward models the way we were leaning close to talk with each other in hushed whispers.

We weren’t really talking at all, but just standing there doing nothing would have looked even more suspicious. Even as it was now, quite a few heads were turned in our direction, and probably for the first time in my life, I wished to look a little more ordinary.

An elderly woman – I was very sure she was the same as the one Eleonora had talked to at the church door – was brave enough to approach us and I nearly admired her confidence if it hadn’t annoyed me as much as it did.

“You were here last week, too!” It sounded very accusing the way she said it.

“So we were,” I agreed slowly, nodding my head lightly.

“You looked very troubled.”

“Did we?” Really, could I make it any more obvious that I wasn’t interested in talking with her at all? She ignored it completely.

“And you didn’t join the communion this week either!” Another accusation. What was wrong with this woman? Most people couldn’t even come close to us without being afraid or at least completely mesmerized by our looks, but she just stood there judging our behavior like I had committed a personal offense to her.

My eyes looked over the elderly woman’s shoulder and I saw Eleonora entering the room. Now I only had to get away from this old hag – I should probably not call her this in the close proximity of a church, but it was a very fitting description I decided – to talk to the only person that truly mattered. “I am not baptized,” I decided to answer, hoping to just make her leave with indignation because of that.

She gasped, shocked by my unholiness I assumed. It was a lie, obviously. Baptizing your children had been extremely important in newly proselytized Slovakia in the early tenth century. I had never really considered it much before, but as far as I knew once you were baptized you couldn’t stop being Christian anymore, even after thousand years had passed without participating in any form of communion. And I was pretty sure that the Lutheran church wasn’t even founded back then.

She was coming our way now and I really wanted my unwanted dialog partner to just disappear. Instead, she was suddenly even more invested in our conversation. “Oh! The Lord truly works in mysterious ways!” She nearly grasped my hands in her enthusiasm, but I pulled away in time. “How did you find your way to our parish than? Did you consider joining our Sunday school classes? Maybe be baptized now?” Her words were coming without any breaks now. I nearly groaned.

Eleonora gave me a sympathetic look and turned towards Kate. I felt my stomach churn in jealousy. I really just wanted to listen to them, but the hag’s voice was so shrill and penetrating and I could hardly just ignore her. Maybe she would get bored soon enough.

“We have a very active bible circle too. And great opportunities for adult education.” Or maybe she wouldn’t.

“I haven’t considered it,” I said absentmindedly.

Kate was complimenting Eleonora on the service behind me. They fell into an easy conversation afterward. And I really couldn’t keep my jealousy in check when Eleonora complimented my sister on her outfit. It was a ridiculous notion – even with all the sisterly quarrels we had had over the years, Kate would never stand in my way with this, even if Garett wouldn’t be waiting for her at home – but I just couldn’t keep myself from flexing my fingers into a fist.

“Once a year we make a pilgrimage to another church in the area and we have a cake sale every spring and barbecues in summer and a bazaar before Christmas. All the profits go towards charity of course.”

I really wanted to be less considerate and just tell her ‘to shut the fuck up’. I assumed Eleonora wouldn’t consider that a good character trait. So, I nodded and smiled and wished her all the worst things silently inside my head.

“You live all the way up in the mountains?” Eleonora asked in awe now. I hadn’t heard how the conversation had taken this turn and I frowned a little, worried that Kate might say too much, but Eleonora didn’t seem suspicious at all. “That sounds awesome! I mean all the national parks are just so unbelievably gorgeous. We don’t have this kind of thing in Germany at all!” I heard the smile in her voice even with my back turned in her direction and I wanted to turn so badly to see it. I cursed Kate a little for having the opportunity while I was hearing stories about all the great things that had happened in this parish in the last dozen years. “But isn’t it very inconvenient? I mean it is probably very far towards the next supermarket?”

“So, what would you like to join?” The hag suddenly wanted to know, and I nearly forgot that I had to say something now. It was truly annoying to waste my breath for something this unimportant.

“I think I will focus on the services for now.” Really, how ignorant was this woman?

“Of course! The word is the most important part of the revelation in the first place.” Could I kill her just to shut up?

“Hey, how about exchanging numbers? Maybe you want to take a hike close to our place one day. I bet we would make great guides.” I nearly broke the table into two, the fire in my jealous heart raging with the heat of a dozen suns.

“Sure.” And I knew Eleonora would be blushing now. I could nearly smell it, even without breathing. “I could write my number down for you somewhere.” She was searching for a piece of paper and a pencil hurriedly.

“Don’t bother. Just type it right into my phone.” I heard Kate’s hand slip into her pocket and blinked confused. Her phone was still a mess of wires and plastic on our living room table. “Oh, I forgot. My phone broke a few days ago.” What the hell was she doing?

“I could– “

Kate interrupted her. “Really, it’s no problem. I’ll just ask Tanya to borrow hers for now.” Only now I realized what she was up to and I felt like hitting her for this ridiculous game of theatres. But she walked over, smiled at the hag gracefully, and grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry, Ma’am. I have to steal my sister from you.” And I was very grateful for that at least.

She moved me towards the table she had been standing at with Eleonora and I hurriedly took a breath of air into my lungs before we reached her. The burn was bearable at least. “Since my phone is broken” – she gave me a pointed look – “you have to help me out here, Tanya.” Her voice was sugary. She normally used this with men only or used to at least. I saved my breath but stuck my hand into my jacket pocket slowly to pull out the smartphone that I had placed there. I unlocked my screen and opened my contacts. It was only my extended family in there. She would be the first human ever to enter.

I pushed the phone over to her with a small smile, still quiet and ridiculously nervous. She didn’t even meet my eyes, just quickly took the phone and started typing.

The phone was back in my hands only a few moments later, the new contact information of ‘Eleonora Winter’ right there in front of me.

“You should call her, so she has your number too,” Kate suggested, and I threw her a confused look.

“Sure,” I nodded anyway and pressed the green handset symbol, letting it ring a few times, before hanging up again.

“Thanks,” she mumbled.

“No problem,” I answered and suddenly Kate was gone from my side and a moment of panic tried to overwhelm me. I knew she could be at my side in less than a second, but I was scared of how easy it was to break the young female in front of me if I lost control for just a moment.

She didn’t look at me but instead started to pick on the skin around her fingernails again. An infuriating habit. I had to say something to distract her.

“So… what did you and my sister talk about?” I could hit myself straight in my face again. Why were my conversation skills apparently non-existing as soon as I was standing right in front of her?

“Nothing much,” she mumbled, still picking at her fingers. “She just complimented the service and told me about you driving here today on your own so that your cousin wouldn’t have to pick you up again.” She looked in my direction quickly. “She told me you live inside a state park.” This seemed to impress her.

I was still unsure if telling her that we came this far just for her service was a good idea but maybe Kate hadn’t been to precise in her words? It could be Chugach she had mentioned instead of Denali, I assumed. Maybe Eleonora was as bad with distances as she was with directions and she had no idea that even driving as fast as we normally did it was close to two hours from our house to the church.

“You like nature?” That was a very convincing follow-up question, right? And maybe Carmen’s suggestion wasn’t that absurd if she was.

“I do. I mean… everything is so… impressive.” Eleonora’s hands were trying to express something her words couldn’t, but they failed as much as her words did. At least she had stopped picking at her fingers now. “We have some areas to protect nature in Germany, too. The Baltic sea and the mountains and all, but compared to America… I don’t know, everything is so tiny back home!” After hearing how skilled she had been with her words in her sermon it was unexpected to see her struggle for words like this. It was obvious how honest her every word was, even with her struggling.

She blushed again.

I had to take another breath of air if I wanted to talk with her more, so I braced myself against her smell and let air flow into my body. The burning returned instantly, but I was able to keep myself from moving even an inch.

Her eyes were focused on her nails which were painted with skin-colored nail polish. The edges were ripped, and I wasn’t sure if she hadn’t been picking on that instead of her skin in the first place. It was at least less dangerous for both of is if that was the case.

Still, I realized, our conversation was over once again, and I frowned a little. Why had she talked so smoothly with Kate before and was so short-spoken when it came to me? The jealousy returned. I tried to think of something to say again, but my mind wouldn’t let me, and I remembered my talk with Edward before. Was I right after all? Was I the one who had to change and take control after all, if I wanted this to work out?

“So… Uhm... about teaching you German,” she mumbled, ripping me from my thoughts. Her hand was stuck in her curls and her eyes didn’t truly meet mine even now. “Do you actually want that?”

Acting as if I was terrible at something just to be close to her? “Sure.” My mouth was faster than my brain once more. “If you have time for that, I mean.”

“I do,” she said quickly. “I have a free day every week. We could meet somewhere, and I’d teach you some grammar or vocabulary or whatever. I’m not sure what level you are on, to be honest.” She sounded a little forced. I regretted even agreeing to the idea in the first place.

“Maybe we just see how far my skills can take me in a normal conversation?” I offered. If it would be as hard as it was right now, she would start over with three-word-sentences I was afraid. I would be bored out of my mind, so why did I not just cancel the whole idea?

“Sure,” she agreed hurriedly. “Do you want to start right now?” I didn’t want to make a fool out of both of us, but here at least only she and probably Kate, who must be listening from somewhere, would understand what we were saying then.

I hesitated a little again unsure about what to say. She beat me to it.

“Was sind deine Hobbies?” she asked easily switching from one language to the next. [What hobbies do you have?] It was an easy enough question but neither ‘picking up men for sex’ nor ‘hunting animals with my bare hands’ were acceptable hobbies.

“Ich tanze gerne,” I decided to answer instead which was definitely true. [I like to dance.] Choosing my partners for the night at clubs had not only been a choice of convenience but mainly for the pleasure of moving to the music.

“Welche Art von Tanzen magst du am liebsten?” she sounded curious now. [What kind of dancing do you like the best?]

I shrugged my shoulders. “Jede Art.” [Every kind is fine.] I really wasn’t picky about what kind of dancing I did. I learned all kinds of dances over the centuries, both with and without body contact for groups or two people or alone. I had enjoyed most of them to the fullest. “Ich passe mich der Mode an.” [I adjust to what is in fashion right now.] And if that meant dancing to rock music most of the time now, I was fine with it. Still better than the short period of time where everybody had tried to do jump style. Just hip-hop wasn’t my kind of music to dance to.

“Alleine oder auch mit anderen zusammen?“ [Only dancing alone or do you dance with a partner too?] Her sudden curiosity was nearly a little overwhelming, but it was easy to imagine her being truly interested in me and I enjoyed the idea a lot.

“Wenn sich ein Partner findet auch zu zweit.“ [If I find a willing partner to join me.] Wait, did I just flirt with her?

She smiled. “Irgendwelche Lieblingsmusik?” [Your favorite music?] I realized that she stopped using full sentences, her way of speaking becoming more natural.

“Ich mag die 80er und späten 70er.” [I like the 80s and late 70s.] I was surprised by my own honesty with that, but why lie? The clothes had been terrible though, especially in the 70s.

Her eyes lid up with this answer and I quickly jumped at the opportunity. “Und du?” [How about you?]

“ABBA, Queen, ACDC, Bon Jovi, Bonnie Tyler. Diese Zeit und alles, was dazu gehört.“ [ABBA, Queen, ACDC, Bon Jovi, Bonnie Tyler. Evrything from this time basically.] I was surprised because I was sure she was too young to have actually lived through any of this. I wasn’t even sure if she had seen the last millennium at all if I considered her age now.

She blushed. “Ich bin ein bisschen von der alten Schule was das angeht.“ [I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to music.] I was amazed that we had something in common. My smile felt very easy now and I even forgot about the burning in my throat over it.

She giggled suddenly. “I really don’t think I could teach you anything anymore, Tanya.”

I blinked surprised as she returned to English fluently. I had completely forgotten about the reason for us talking German in the first place. I should have probably at least tried to sound like I was struggling with speaking. What if she refused to meet with me now that it didn’t appear to be necessary anymore? I panicked a little. What should I do now?

Her happy face fell nearly instantly. I hated myself for being the reason for that.

“Sorry,” she mumbled. Why was she apologizing now?

I wanted to ask her to meet anyway, even if teaching me wasn’t necessary, but my words failed me once more.

I looked up now and saw that the room was nearly empty around us. How long had we talked?

“I should help cleaning up,” Eleonora said now, turning towards the room, searching for something there.

“I could help,” I offered without thinking. She looked at me nearly panicked and I realized that she was eyeing the heels of my boots suspiciously.

“You really don’t have to,” she refused instantly, but at the same time both of us discovered Kate stacking chairs onto each other in a corner, her boots had even higher heels than mine. My sister deserved a price for her acting right now. She was exceeding every expectation I had for her. Cleaning up was definitely something beneath her. Maybe I would give her a trip to Milano or Paris as thanks for all her efforts – or maybe to London, just to annoy Garrett.

“Just tell me what to do.” Cleaning up was beneath me too, to be honest, but I guess I would do everything for her in the end. Carrying a few chairs was probably not even close to being the worst thing, I mused.

She hesitantly told me where things went and I joined my sister in the process, throwing her an apologetic look at some point. She ignored me and just went on with her work, even humming lowly in the process.

It was only a few minutes later when Eleonora stopped in the middle of the room, her phone already in her hand. “How about some music?”

“Sure,” I agreed, and then a-ha echoed through the speakers of her phone, a little dulled from the lack of quality the device possessed. She left her phone on a windowsill and continued with collecting dirty glasses on a tray. They swayed dangerously, but I didn’t interfere with her to not hurt her self-esteem. She moved with the beat of the music and for some time I just watched her movements from where I had been folding table sheets into a basket.

She disappeared into the kitchen soon after and Kate and I used the possibility to hurry up with our work just a little. I collected the leftover spoons and plates from the rest of the tables and carried them over to the kitchen, only slowing when I reached the doors to the room itself, the beats of Thunderstruck fading into the softer cords of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. I was greeted by a low humming first which slowly transformed into words of the female lead, mixing with the man’s repeated ‘turn around’ from time to time. I stopped cold in the door frame. She didn’t know all the lyrics and interchanged some parts with a generic ‘mhh’ when that happened.

It was a little bit ironic how much I had always enjoyed this song in the first place. It wasn’t really a secret that Jim Steinman had used vampire stories as an inspiration for the song. I had even seen the musical once, that they had created with his music, the original German one, not the strange American Broadway version. I was curious if she enjoyed musicals and if she had seen Tanz der Vampire before. Maybe she just liked the Bonnie Tyler version.

I watched her move to the music, while she cleaned out the thermos flasks and everything that hadn’t fit into the dishwasher that was running with a low humming noise in the background.

She could even do the raspy parts of the song extremely well. The heights were a little shakier from time to time, but she never missed a single note of the song. I was stuck in awe. It was probably invasive to just listen to her sing like that, but I was afraid to scare her because I knew she would stop singing then. I didn’t want her to stop… like ever.

In the end, she looked up, of course, and when she saw me, the plate slipped from her fingers and fell into the sink, splashing her with water. Her cheeks were glowing with heat.

“Sorry,” I apologized guiltily. “I didn’t want to startle you.”

She searched the sink for the plate and pulled it out wholly. “Nothing broken, don’t worry about it.”

I placed the things I carried next to the sink, unsure of what to do next. “Can I help? Drying?” I offered, grabbing a towel already and starting my task. I knew that Kate could finish all of the other work without me before we even did half of what was left here because of the limitations on human speed. So, I just grabbed the things that were dripping onto another towel next to the sink to dry them off.

“That was beautiful,” I said after a few minutes of awkward silence. She hadn’t started to sing again, not even humming or moving in the beat of the Bon Jovi song that came next in the playlist. I was a little disappointed by that.

She refused to look up. “Thanks,” she barely whispered, she was obviously not believing me in the slightest.

“Really! You have a great voice!” I tried once more. I could see her smile, but there was doubt in her eyes, even if she had absolutely no reason to doubt her singing at all.

“Were you taught?” I asked when she didn’t say anything again.

She shook her head. “I was in my school’s choir when I was younger, but it’s mainly just me and my shower.” She didn’t sing for an audience and was ashamed of the idea of somebody listening?

“What about your parish?” They heard her singing all the time, right? At least I had been able to pick out her voice in the hymns.

“That’s not the same,” she argued quickly. “I don’t sing in front of them. If I sing for anybody then it’s God. And I don’t think he would mind me missing a note.” She was very self-conscious I noted.

“You really don’t have to worry about that.”

She smiled a little more honestly now, maybe she was able to accept my words as an honest compliment now.

“Sometimes I miss karaoke,” she suddenly said. I looked at her surprised. “I mean, Japanese karaoke, small rooms with only close friends as your audience, not in front of a whole room of people.” Her explanation was still a little faulty and she apparently realized that too. “I studied in Japan for half a year back in 2018. Still miss it from time to time.” She looked up and smiled. “It is easier to communicate here though. My Japanese was only good on the paper.”

I liked it when she spoke without hesitation and I just smiled encouragingly at her.

“Are you good with languages?” I offered her a new topic. Her English was outstandingly good and learning Japanese was probably pretty hard to do with the different letters and all.

“I guess.” She shrugged. “Better than others at least, but like I said my Japanese was barely good enough to order food and talk about my day. No deep-rooted conversations or anything.” She placed another plate next to the sink. “And my Hebrew is terrible. I barely passed my final exam with it.” This seemed to bother her greatly. I hadn’t even known that Hebrew was part of what a pastor had to learn.

“I'm really not that interesting.” I would argue that she was wrong, but even her ears were blushing now. Only the burning smell of the cleaning soap helped me keep the aching hunger in check.

“How did you learn German?” she asked suddenly, changing the topic from her to me.

Finding a coherent answer to that took me another plate of time. “I did some travels with my family when I was younger. The opportunity to learn German appeared and I used it.”

She appeared to be impressed. “I always thought German was very hard to learn, but Slovakian might be even harder?”

I honestly had no idea. Slovakian had more cases but not three determined articles like German had. Just adding all important information at the end of the word to change a case was probably easier than changing vowels in the middle of a word as well, but as a vampire learning a language didn’t pose much of a challenge in the first place. “I think it depends on your first language,” I answered evasively in the end.

“You’re probably right,” she mumbled, finishing the last plates now and washing out the thermos flasks with clear water and placing them in a cupboard.

“Thank you,” she said gratefully when all plates were placed on the shelves. “Let’s help your sister some more.” But Kate was leaning at a wall next to the neatly stacked chairs and the basket with the used tablecloths.

She smiled at us. “Everything finished in the kitchen?”

Eleonora turned around in awe. “Wow, how did you…?”

“It wasn’t much left to do when Tanya went to help you.”

We probably finished an hour’s work in half the time.

Eleonora collected her phone from the windowsill now, shutting down the music. “Thank you so much!” she repeated once more. “Really, you should be guests here and not help me clean up afterward.”

“It was no bother at all,” Kate promised.

We moved towards the door now and I knew this meant goodbye. Even with all my jealousy and the slow conversations I already felt bad for leaving her now, but at the same time, I knew that my control was getting smaller every moment I spend with her at this point.

“Don’t forget to call if you ever want to go hiking,” Kate reminded Eleonora once more when we had left through the big door.

The young woman looked at our clothes once more and her eyes showed clearly what she was thinking: We didn’t look like hiking at all. Well, how wrong she was. At least if our hunting trips into the different mountains of the area counted as hiking trips.

“I will,” she promised against all her doubts.

My throat felt tight with the despair of leaving her now – or maybe because of the burning hunger. The only solace was her phone number on the phone that was sitting in a pocket right next to my still heart.

“See you again,” she said hopefully, waving to us as we moved down the path towards the parking lot where our car was the only one left.

“She did not believe us to go hiking, did she?” Kate mused as we reached the parking lot still in very human speed.

I threw her a questioning look. Did she honestly question why Eleonora would think that? “Have you looked at your shoes today?” I offered her a response amusedly.

She looked at her feet. “Perfectly acceptable winter shoes,” she decided, and I laughed. They were definitely pretty: Black suede leather ankle boots with a light brown fur application at the top. The problem was very obvious though: Eight centimeters of stiletto heels.

“With our sense of balance maybe.”

She laughed too now, and I realized she had known the absurdity the whole time. “Mine are higher than yours today.” She grinned provocatively. I fell for it instantly. I was wearing the over-knee boots made from smooth black leather with the complicated lacing in the back over a pair of tight-fitting blue jeans. They were one of the few pairs of shoes I owned which had a wedge heel and were only about five centimeters high.

“Mine look better,” I shot back throwing back my locks arrogantly. “And they are far less suspicious too.”

She slipped into the car now in one smooth movement, the heels not bothering her the slightest even with the black ice everywhere. Shoes were kind of a thing between us: Who owned the most? Whose had the highest heels? Which accentuated whose butt better? This kind of thing. Our attic was completely stocked with about a hundred shelves just to fit them all. I didn’t think there were more than maybe a dozen pairs of shoes without any form of heels.

I slipped into the car with the same grace and closed the door behind me. “If she ever wants to go hiking, we might need to actually wear a pair of hiking boots.” I made a disgusted face even thinking about it.

“You doubt that she will do that?” Kate raised an eyebrow at me, while at the same time slipping from the frozen parking lot onto the street. They had at least tried to clear this of the worst snow and ice.

I thought back at the conversations I had shared with Eleonora today and groaned a little. “I don’t think she likes me much,” I admitted in defeat.

“Why would you think that?” Kate asked weaving through the streets out of the city slowly accelerating to a higher speed on our way.

“Don’t act as if you didn’t listen to all of our conversations,” I accused her and leaned my head back against the headrest staring up to the ceiling above me.

She didn’t bother to lie. “You found common ground, didn’t you?”

“For like five minutes?” I groaned, only now realizing how terrible it had really been.

We had reached the highway now and the indicator on the speedometer was heading towards the two hundred quickly. “It was so easy for you to speak with her, all fluent and without any awkward silences.” I could hear the jealousy raising in the back of my voice.

“Have you considered her being shy?” she offered.

Now she was making fun of me! “You’re kidding me, right?”

Kate frowned this time. “Why would I?”

“You have seen her in front of her parish. You have talked to her. She’s not shy. A little insecure but not shy.”

My sister rolled her eyes at me. “People are shy all the time when they meet somebody they like.” She threw me a pointed a look. “I have seen you at a loss of words before you met her.” I tried to feel insulted, but she was right. I did not struggle with words and I always knew how to best flirt with somebody. The sheer concept of awkward silence was new to me.

Still, the idea of eloquent Eleonora being shy because she liked me seemed ridiculous.

I still was no step closer to knowing if she was interested in women at all, too. Except for getting her number this day really hadn’t been all too successful – and that had honestly not even been my success but Kate’s.

 _What if she is interested in women, but likes Kate more?_ a little voice in my mind whispered. My nails were sinking into the balls of my hands once more. _Kate would never hurt me like that_ , I reminded myself. _But even Kate has no control over Eleonora’s feelings._

I groaned, literally slapping myself with both hands.

Kate threw me a confused look.

“Thanks for at least getting her number for me,” I mumbled and looked out of the window.

_Why was this whole mate business so hard?_


	5. Of Coffee and Bears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here comes the new chapter (and maybe another one later today or whatever time it is right now in whatever time zone you are in).  
> Thanks for everybody who left Kudos or a comment. I am always happy to receive constructive criticism on my works.  
> If you find any mistakes or if I forgot to translate any of the German parts, please leave a quick comment as well.

I was lying on my bed staring up into the canopy of white silk. The light, mirrored by the snow outside, filtered through the carved wooden headboard onto my unmoving frame.

Of course, I truly did not need a bed. I did not sleep and no human acquaintances of mine had ever entered this house with me, but I liked to watch myself in the mirror I had placed between the mahogany pillars and the white fabric at the ceiling. And I had always wanted to be prepared for the change of any of our vampire friends joining me for the night. Knowing how many beds Kate and Garrett had broken in the last twenty years I wasn’t so sure about this idea anymore. I had grown kind of attached to this bed in the last three hundred years.

As I was failing in establishing any kind of relationship with my mate, I might not need to worry though.

It had been three days after the second service that Kate had asked me about Eleonora’s phone number for the first time, curious what new things I might have learned about the human girl in the last days by writing with her. Admitting that I hadn’t even tried to write her, had been met with incredulous incomprehension. I had promised I would change something about that before the sunset. In a way I had. I had stared at my phone screen for hours until the battery had died on me, typing and erasing one message after another.

I was still lying in bed now, unwilling to move to plug the charger into the small device that was the only thing standing between me and talking to my mate again.

Really, how hard could it be? Just a small greeting, asking her how she was feeling right now. That really shouldn’t be a problem, but no words had sounded honest enough when I typed them, none had expressed my desire to hear about all the things she saw and did every day. I wanted to know all the things she enjoyed doing, find out what she hated and what she wished for. I wanted to know when she got up in the morning and when she went to bed. It didn’t matter what she would tell me, as long as she was part of my life, but no message had left my outbox this evening. And now it was already nearly noon again.

If I didn’t leave my room, Kate couldn’t ask me about the newly exchanged messages, but I already knew she wouldn’t leave me alone until she was sure I had done as I had promised. She had already given me more time than I would have expected.

I slowly rose, placing the phone on my nightstand, the charger plugged in, and went to the adjoining bathroom. I took my time styling my hair but did not lose any time on fancy clothes, just the simple black dress again. It was funny that I wore this at home as much as I did. I was very much into wearing pants from the very first time of trying them on one or two centuries ago.

The phone was charged up to thirty-five percent already when I left the bathroom again.

I opened the messenger once more, thinking about something I could say to her.

I closed it again without typing anything.

As soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs all eyes were on me. I regretted even coming down.

“And?” Kate wanted to now, far too curious for my liking. I looked around, hoping for something to distract myself with. I didn’t find anything.

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “It’s probably better if I don’t keep in contact with her.”

Kate made a very irritated noise in the back of her throat. “You’re behaving like a child!”

And then she was right in front of me, her hand outstretched but not touching me yet. “Give me your phone,” she demanded.

I refused to oblige.

“Give me your phone,” she repeated. I felt the air buzz around her hand. “You broke mine, so give me your phone.”

“You already have a new phone,” I mentioned. “So, stop playing–“ She shocked me and I staggered a little. “Ouch!” I looked at her accusingly.

“I won’t say it a fourth time.” I could see Carlisle in the background, worrying about the tension between us. I slowly slipped my finger into my pocket, curling around the device. If I broke my own phone now too, the number would be gone with it, I considered.

Kate snatched the device from my fingers before I had made up my mind. “Hey!” I exclaimed, trying to take it back from her. She raised a finger in warning, and I watched her type with the other hand in a motion barely slow enough for the touchscreen to pick up. ‘Hey, how are you? Do you want to drink coffee together?’

“Don’t write that!” I tried to grab the phone once more and found myself on my knees a moment later. Even when Kate was still training her ability to extend it all over her body, I had rarely been shocked this much in one day. It stung, even if she only used a small percentage of her power. I groaned when I saw her hit ‘send’.

“And now we wait,” Kate decided, placing the phone on the living room table with a smile. “How about a game of cards?” It really wasn’t a question, so I surrendered to her will and sat down on one of the armchairs. It was clear who would win anyway with Edward joining us too.

I was distracted the whole time while we were playing some complicated card game and I ended up with a few dozen cards on my hands until the phone made a small noise implying a message had arrived. I forced myself to stay calm and not drop all my cards into a pile on the floor to grab it. All in all, barely ten minutes could have passed, but it felt like hours.

I slowly placed a few cards on the table finishing my turn before I stretched out my finger towards my phone. Kate seemed to trust me enough to not stop me or impose anymore.

‘Hey, Tanya! It’s you, right? Thanks for your message! I am great. How about you? Sorry for not writing to you earlier. A friend from Germany arrived on Monday and I am showing her around the city at the moment. She will be here until next week’s Wednesday, so I am a little busy until then. How about after that? Coffee or whatever is good for you. Are you coming to the city anyway next week? Don’t want you to drive here only because of me. The streets are very slippery with all the black ice. Take care of yourself!’ There were a few smileys added between the lines, mostly happy ones, the monkey that covered its eyes after her apology.

I wasn’t sure about how I felt when I read her message. Relieved maybe that she was so completely oblivious to the fact that I was not human and icy roads were not the slightest problem for me; maybe because she had not realized yet that she was the only reason I had gone to Anchorage two times in as many weeks. I read the message once more even if I already knew I would never forget a single word of it ever again.

I ignored the stares that were obviously all directed at me and just enjoyed the warmth in my chest a little longer. Then I slowly started typing. ‘Yeah, it’s me.’ I hesitated for a moment. Had she expected Kate to write to her? But nothing in her message implied that she did not want to write with me. I would at least not hurt my own case by suggesting anything like that. ‘I’m really good.’ And it wasn’t even a lie. I felt great as soon as she had responded to my messages. ‘Don’t apologize. I had your number too and did not write to you before.’ If I wanted to be very precise, I hadn’t even written her yet at all. Kate had sent the last message after all. ‘I hope you have a great time with your friend. Please don’t let me distract you from your time with her.’ This was a small lie because honestly, I really didn’t care about her friend and was generally a very selfish person when it came to her especially. ‘I’m completely fine with next week.’ Should I make up a lie about being in Anchorage? ‘I could run some errands, but I’m not bond to any dates with that.’ I sounded like I had no job. Well, I had no job, but maybe I should make something up to appear more human? Maybe she would believe me being a freelancer in arts or something. I decided not to bother with a lie until she asked about it. And about the coffee… ‘I don’t mind what we do or where we go.’ If no food or drinks were included that probably was even better. ‘So, if you have a favorite place to go to, we can go there.’ Maybe I should try to pass off as a freelance model. She would probably believe me, and I would have a reason to be picky about my diet. It might sound a little too arrogant though. ‘Take care of yourself,’ I added in the end. I rarely used any smileys, but the message felt really cold without any, so I added a few too; just two in total, both smiling, one behind the first paragraph, and another one behind the question about her favorite place.

“So, when are you two hanging out next time?” Kate grinned at me sheepishly.

“Not this week. She has a friend staying with her right now. Afterward.” My sister looked disappointed. I refused to feel the same.

A second answer came faster this time.

‘Don’t worry about it. We’re writing now after all.’ Another happy smiley with rosy cheeks that seemed very fitting for her and her nearly constant blush. ‘I’m happy that you are fine. My friend is relaxing a little while I’m cooking, so I have time now. Waiting for the potatoes to be cooked before I can continue.’ She liked to cook, I noted down somewhere in my mind. Not all that useful to me, but definitely a handy skill for a human, I assumed. ‘I’m still on leave on Thursday, so maybe then?’ That would mean I would have to wait one whole week to see her. This was kind of my fault for not writing her earlier, but I assumed her plans with this friend had been on for quite some time already, so maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything. ‘I don’t really go out much in Anchorage and I haven’t been here all that long, so I don’t really know any good places except maybe the parks and the zoo and that’s not a good place for coffee.’ That was perfect!

‘The zoo sounds great,’ I wrote to her instantly, maybe a little eager. I sounded like I really liked animals now which was a little stupid if you considered our diet. ‘Thursday is good for me too.’ I tried to sound less eager, but I guess I was too late for that because her next message came fast.

‘What’s your favorite animal?’

Edward laughed loudly. I threw him an angry glare. “Well, Tanya, tell us, what is your favorite animal?”

You, if you don’t shut up, I cursed in my mind. He wasn’t even trying to be a gentleman anymore, was he? Maybe Bella wasn’t such a good influence after all. He made a face at that thought.

Eleazar raised an eyebrow at me after Edward’s words. “Lynxes,” he suggested regarding my hunting behavior, which was true but not a good answer for Eleonora, I mused. I liked lynxes because they tasted good, not because they were beautiful or anything.

“Tell her, you like something cute,” Carmen offered a little more useful. But I didn’t feel like I was a baby seal person at all.

“Bald eagle,” Garrett suggested. I looked at him questioningly, unsure if he was making a joke right now or if he actually meant what he said. His patriotism might be getting out of hand there.

I shook my head at all of them and looked at my phone again, the card game all but forgotten. ‘I don’t think I have been to the Alaska Zoo before.’ That was not an answer to her question, but I hoped she wouldn’t notice it.

‘Really? Why not? It is really beautiful!’ I was still thinking about an answer as she already wrote some more. ‘I only wanted to see a moose, before I came to Amerika, but now I think the tiger and the snow leopard are the most beautiful animals in the zoo.”

I could feel how invested she was in this conversation and I tried to picture one of the animals she mentioned without thinking of feeding. It worked surprisingly well. ‘I’m looking forward to going for the first time,’ I decided and brought up a new topic next. ‘What are you cooking?’

A short silence followed, and I looked at the battery percentage again, before I rose. “Battery is dying,” I mumbled and went up the stairs to charge my phone once more. Kate was obviously satisfied and trusted in me not ruining my opportunity now. I was surprisingly sure of that too. After how hard it had been to talk to Eleonora in person, I had been afraid it would be the same when chatting, but the words came easily now.

As soon as I plugged my phone into the outlet, a new message appeared on my screen: A picture of a gratin dish filled with what I assumed to be sliced potatoes and some kind of cream sauce, covered in an excessive amount of cheese. It looked very… greasy. ‘Potato gratin’ was written beneath the picture.

‘Looks good,’ I answered. I at least assumed that it was probably tasty. When I had eaten human food for the last time, potatoes hadn’t even been brought to Europe yet.

‘Thanks.’ The blushing smiley once more. I smiled absentmindedly.

‘What are you showing your friend?’ And with that, a near-constant exchange of messages began. Of course, she slept at night and whenever she was out with her friend the messages came less often, but our conversation flowed easily now.

Had Kate actually been right about her being shy?

My mood was far better in the next days. I started to return to some of my routines, spoke more easily with my family again, and even thought about the trip I wanted to give Kate as a thanks for all she had done for me while I had behaved like an idiot. I started with a new pair of shoes that would be waiting at the post office the next time she went to pick up the mail for us.

I learned many new things about Eleonora in the next days. She had learned cooking on a professional level for example between finishing her university classes and starting the practical part of her education to become a pastor. Before she came to Alaska, she had been in Toronto for half a year, but unexpected circumstances had brought her to Anchorage for the last part of her education. She intended to return to Germany by the end of 2027 – something I did not enjoy hearing – but she didn’t know where she would work then.

She had been born before the turn of the millennium even if just barely and apparently, she had escaped some form of stupid tradition of cleaning the same doorknob over and over by not being home for her thirtieth birthday last year. I was honestly surprised that she was at least physically a few years older than me. I had to stop calling her a girl in my mind, I realized.

I learned that her favorite animal was a penguin and that she had been disappointed that the zoo in Anchorage did not have any. I learned that she did not even drink any coffee at all and preferred tea or hot chocolate, but she appeared to be insecure about admitting that. I assumed that she might feel childish because of it. Coffee hadn’t been brought to Europe either when I had been human, neither were tea or cocoa though.

Sometimes she just asked me about my day, and I told her about a book I was reading or a show I was watching with Kate and Garrett. She would tell me of her trips with her friend, whose name was Chrissie, and sometimes she would just send me a picture of something. She was good with a camera I realized. Carmen would like that, I thought. The Spanish vampire enjoyed photography too and sharing a hobby like that, Eleonora would fight right in.

I hesitated as soon as I realized that I was thinking about making her part of this family. I still didn’t know if she was even interested in women or more precisely in me. I decided I would try to find out about that before our date next Thursday. I for once was absolutely sure that I was already in love with the young woman.

And I knew everybody around me knew that too whenever I smiled at my phone as soon as a new message of Eleonora reached my inbox.

I even moved a few of the chairs and tables from the living room to start dancing again.

Edward watched me and I remembered the one time he had played the piano at one of their old houses for me to dance to it. At this point, I had truly believed that maybe it could work out between us.

By now I was happy we hadn’t even tried. Things would be a lot more awkward between us now if we had.

I also realized that I hadn’t danced at all since Irina’s death and I wasn’t sure if I still felt bad for doing it now. I didn’t talk with anybody about that worry though.

Edward was speaking with Bella on the phone every evening by now and I realized that with only slightly more than twenty years of them being vampires together, being separated for nearly two weeks already was a hard task. So, I carefully brought up the idea of them returning home soon. Carlisle looked at me worriedly. Maybe he felt like I hadn’t really made any progress when it came to my religious troubles and I knew he was right about that, but I was willing to try what I had told Edward all these years ago before I had even known what his worries had been about: To meet things head-on.

We decided to go hunting together one last time before they returned home. If I needed any more help with my faith or anything else, I knew I could always call them, even if I truly felt like I had gotten back a little control over my life now.

Our hunting trip was timed well as Eleonora wrote to me on Saturday that she and Chrissie intended to travel a little outside of Anchorage and that she wasn’t sure about her internet connection at this time. I could focus completely on my hunt with my family now, maybe I would even find a lynx to satisfy my hunger. Or I would leave one for Edward who enjoyed wild cats as much as I did.

We – Kate, Edward, Carlisle, and I – took the car in the general direction of Nelchina and parked on one of the designated parking areas, just to appear at least a little bit unsuspicious before we would disappear from the trails all too soon to move deeper into the mountains and hunt. The area was known for its current population of snowshoe hares and that normally meant that the lynxes were quick to follow.

We moved quietly higher up into the mountains until we were far away from anywhere normal park visitors or even experienced hikers ever came and slowly drifted apart, all of us stretching out our senses slowly for something to hunt and kill. My steps on the snow were light, not even leaving footprints behind and I took care to move against the wind so that my smell would be carried away from any potential prey instead of towards it. I could easily outrun a lynx or any other animal, but it was just part of my instincts. I could still smell Edward a little bit ahead of me, but far enough to not be considered a threat to my hunt. I was all but crouched down, nearly becoming one with the snow, covered in a light brown leather coat that blended in easily with the plants that were strong enough to survive the rough climate of the Alaskan mountains.

My feet carried me quite a distance before I finally caught a smell in the air that was less dull than the venison that was omnipresent. There was a distant smell of bear somewhere, but it was too early in the year to consider this as a pray, but a fresher trail of lynx crossed my way and I let myself slip completely into my instincts, chasing the hot blood deeper and deeper into the forest. I knew I had nearly caught up when the wind suddenly changed direction and my throat screamed.

The lynx was forgotten in an instant, my directions changed without even a second thought and as I passed Edward’s trail now, I felt the desire to fight him for what I had decided to be my prey instantly if he even dared to come any closer.

My brain had surrendered to my instincts completely and I was unable to comprehend how close I had gotten towards the trails again. And I was unable to realize that I was not hunting for a predator anymore. It was the thrumming blood of a human that had called to my instincts now and I was nearly there now, just beneath this ledge. I could even hear them now, talking and laughing, the voice softly caressing my ears, but the words unrecognizable in my feeding frenzy.

I crouched for the jump at the edge now, shivering in anticipation of the sweetly herbal heat beneath my feet.

Kill.

Something hit me right in the side, throwing me off balance, letting me slam into the rocks with a loud crashing sound. My head was spinning, but I was on my feet again in seconds.

Something – someone – was challenging me to my prey and a low rumble escaped my throat.

My ears picked up a far more human sound from in front of me, but my mind still hazy, tinted in red refused to listen. I would not give up my prey and I was already crouching for a counterattack as my competitor knocked me into the rocks once more. The material breaking under the impact, the snow barely a resistance at all. He was throwing me away from the edge of the cliff I realized, and I snarled once more, jumping now, clawing at the other vampire.

He was fast, so fast and always a little faster than me and then he threw me into the snow-covered cliffs again, his hand over my throat pressing and I was finally able to hear his voice through the haze of my hunger.

“Tanya, stop!”

I snarled lower this time. His hand was pushing harder, but not in the intention of ripping off my head I realized as my mind screamed at me to move and bring my fangs to his extremities and rip them off to weaken my enemy before going for his throat in the end.

“Stop!” I wasn’t sure if that was the same voice still, but I pulled my muscles together, ready to throw myself upwards, to grab his hands, to rip them from his body, and do what he was too weak to do. To kill and to claim my prize.

A hand was placed right over my fanged mouth and I nearly laughed at the stupidity of my enemy now, baring my teeth to snap. Never grab your enemy there when ripping off their head, was a basic rule in fighting vampires.

“Kate!” I heard the person attached to the hand at my mouth call out. That was another voice than the first one and I tensed. The first one was fast, the stronger opponent, I was sure, but if he wasn’t alone my years of experience might not be enough to win.

But I wouldn’t give up. This smell was worth dying for, I realized, and I sank my teeth into the hand covering my mouth and ripped. I felt the skin give away under it and the pair of hands at my throat eased their pressure just a little. I pushed myself from the ground, turning and kicking the first attacker right into the chin, sending him flying in the same moment I spat the ripped off fingers from my mouth and dashed to the ledge again.

Another hit threw me back into the rocks but this time my whole body tensed, shook and went numb on impact.

The red tint disappeared from my vision and even knowing it would be back in only a second, I finally saw who my enemies had been. Edward already back on his feet from where my kick had thrown him, ready to pin me down again. Carlisle a few meters away, grabbing his hand in pain where my teeth had ripped away two of his fingers. Kate right in front of me, buzzing with electricity.

And I realized that they were not my enemies but my allies. They were stopping me from killing somebody. Somebody who was traveling with a friend outside of Anchorage today, hiking apparently and frozen in shock only a dozen meters beneath me from the crashing sounds right above their heads.

To my own surprise, the first thing I did when my paralyzed muscles moved again was covering my mouth with my hand. My whole body was shaking. My throat was on fire and my instincts screamed against my mind and I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if I stayed even a second longer.

It was then that the echo of the vibrations of my crash reached the deepest point in the mountain and the snow started to move above our heads.

My eyes widened.

A piece of the mountain was coming down right above our heads. And only a few meters under us Eleonora was standing frozen in shock still.

She would die, I realized.

The rock piece would most likely bring enough snow down with it to just let her suffocate beneath the surface, even if not crushed under the stone itself.

“Renn!” [Run!] I heard a female voice scream beneath us, as it wasn’t Eleonora’s I could only assume it to be Christina. I threw my whole body into the boulder that our fight had broken from the mountain above us, breaking it into smaller parts, before they tumbled over the edge of the ledge, hopefully not hitting anybody at their head.

“Elle! Elle, geht es dir gut?” [Are you alright?] The new voice screamed as soon as the thunderous noise had stopped, and I couldn’t believe that the snow had actually held above our heads.

There was no answer, and I felt my chest tighten so much that I felt like it might rip apart at any moment. But Carlisle was at my side, his fingers already reattaching themselves as he placed his hand on my shoulder, shaking his head. His eyes were widened in shock but there was no sadness in his eyes but hope.

Edward pushed me back when I tried to move to the ledge, and I felt Kate right behind me.

“I'm okay,” I breathed. The thirst was forgotten. Now I just needed to see her safe.

There was coughing, but it was low, far away and I realized she must have slipped and rolled down the slope on the other side of the small path. “Hier.” [I’m here.] Her voice was rough, barely audibly for human ears, I mused.

“Bleib wo du bist, ich werde Hilfe holen!” [Stay where you are, I am going to get help!] Chrissie called and I heard her turn and rum up the path again.

I felt like I might go into shock if that was even possible for our kind. Not only had I nearly killed her myself only moments ago, but she had nearly been killed by a giant piece of the mountain crashing on her just a second later.

“Let her friend get a little more distance first,” Carlisle whispered, and I wasn’t sure whom he was talking to, maybe me.

I had to be by her side, but my body wouldn’t move, and I slowly realized that the sheer power I had used against the rock might have shattered a few of my bones on impact. They were already growing back together, but I was frozen for a moment longer, just a moment longer and I would be able to see her.

It was nearly at the same moment when I heard the exasperated groan of Edward and the noise of heavy paws on fresh snow. An angry noise leaving the throat of something that could only be the bear I had smelled before, woken from his hibernation by the sounds of vampires fighting right above his cave.

“And I thought Bella was having bad luck in her human life.”

Once again, I moved faster than any of the others. Carlisle’s words of caution were forgotten in my mind.

Eleonora had seen the bear the moment we had heard it, starring at the big animal in shock. Then she fell right down on her face and for a moment I thought she might have had a heart attack from all the stress, but I heard her voice, a whisper only meant for her own ears and a god above.

“Play dead,” were her first words. “O God, please, please, let me not be eaten by a bear.”

Then I was there, ripping the animal with me down into the trees and sinking my teeth into its fur in sheer anger when we tumbled out of sight.

I couldn’t say if I drank all of the bear’s blood or only enough to kill him, but my throat was calm now, not only from shock but also from satisfaction.

I rubbed my hand over my mouth just barely before I returned through the trees.

Carlisle was already by her side, taking her pulse.

“She fainted,” he whispered to no one in particular, and slowly turned the young woman onto her back.

She was wearing her black woolen cloak again like the first time we had met, I realized.

Edward was with his father. Kate passed me in an instant. “I will take care of the bear,” she said to me, but I just froze in place.

“Lift her legs,” Carlisle ordered his son, but I was kneeling with her before I even registered his words completely, following his order with a careful movement.

“Are you alright?” Edward wanted to know from me.

I nodded, not daring to breathe and maybe not even able to with all that had just happened.

“I don’t think she has broken anything,” Carlisle continued his diagnosis, slowly checking different parts of her body with sure hands.

“How?” Edward questioned. “She rolled down like how many meters of the slope?”

“She must have a guardian angel,” Carlisle said softly.

I didn’t realize my lips moved before my voice reached my ears. “Thank God.”

She blinked then, her eyes slowly focusing on first Carlisle’s than Edward’s and lastly my face. She groaned. “What the hell?” she whispered raspingly. “Is this some kind of supermodel and plastic surgeon meeting?”

I frowned. “Did she hit her head?” I asked.

“No, I think that’s just her general sense of humor.”

Carlisle slowly probed her head anyway.

“Tanya?” Eleonora asked a moment later, and I felt a tightness lift from my chest I hadn’t even realized to be there yet.

“Yes,” I answered, and strangely enough her smell didn’t bother me right now. “You could have told me that you wanted to go hiking with your friend.” I lifted her hand with mine, her skin nearly as cold as mine now, and placed a kiss on her knuckles.

“Am I dreaming?” She blinked a few times. “Did the bear kill me?”

It was Carlisle who was thinking the fastest. “What bear, dear? We came down this way when we heard the rockfall and saw you lying in the snow unconscious.”

She frowned. “I thought I saw a bear,” she mumbled, and I realized her lips were turning blue slowly.

“She’s freezing,” Edward put my thoughts into words.

“Let’s lift her slowly,” Carlisle agreed, and I lowered her legs. Kate was by my side again now, but the men lifted her onto her feet slowly.

“How’s your head? Do you see anything unclear? Double?” I recognized Carlisle’s professional doctor's voice.

Eleonora looked confused.

“He’s a doctor,” Kate reassured her. The young woman looked at my sister, seeing her for the first time now, blinking.

“I don’t think so.” Her teeth were clattering now from the cold

I felt like offering her a jacket, but I realized that mine was not only far too mall but also filled with snow by our brawling still.

“We’ll bring you back to the ranger station,” Carlisle explained before lifting her onto his back in what could only be called a piggyback ride. She held on tightly on instinct. I felt hot jealousy rise in my chest. I wanted to carry her myself, but I knew I shouldn’t be able to lift her at all with our height difference and general built.

Carlisle moved to a close-by path with safe steps. Eleonora seemed barely conscious.

Then her head snapped up. “Chrissie!” she nearly shouted.

“She wasn’t with you when we found you,” I lied. “She probably went to get help, when she couldn’t reach you herself.” Maybe we would be able to catch up to her? Stop her from bringing the rangers into this? Our car was probably still the closest, right?

Edward looked at me for a moment. “I think you might be right.” He nodded. “Carlisle, we should bring her to our car. It’s closer than any ranger station and the weather could erase any evidence left at the scene before anybody finds the rockfall.”

“What about her friend?” Kate threw in and I realized Eleonora was not conscious anymore, maybe the idea of her friend being buried under the stones had been too much for her. That was probably a bad sign for her healthiness, right?

“She’s just in shock,” Edward reassured me. I didn’t like it.

Then he turned to Kate. “We might be able to cut her off before she reaches somebody. I can hear her confused thoughts not far from here. She’s unsure what the fastest way back to any form of civilization is.”

“Alright,” Carlisle decided, and we moved a little faster to reach the point where her trail would meet ours.

“Elle!” The woman gasped as soon as she saw us.

“Are you Chrissie?” Edward asked, turning, acting surprised. “She was asking for you when we found her.”

She just stared for a long moment, probably captured by the beauty of Edward’s face, before she nodded and ran to our side as fast as she could, nearly slipping on the snow a few times. “Is she alright?” she nearly screamed.

“She’s just unconscious and maybe a little hypothermic,” Carlisle explained calmly, smiling softly. She stared at his face for a moment too.

“He’s a doctor, don’t worry,” Kate added. The reaction was much the same towards my sister.

I probably looked very ruffled, so I combed through my hair with my fingers, shaking the snow from the inside of my jacket, before she turned in my direction. I was surprised that I saw recognition in her eyes. “You are Tanya!”

Apparently, she had seen the one quick picture I had snapped for Eleonora when she had sent me a picture of herself standing in front of the shore, the glowing nighttime skyline of Anchorage behind her. I had been wearing something closely related to a leotard, I remembered, trying out some old dance choreographies in the living room.

“Yes,” I said as I realized lying was not useful for anybody. “A curious coincidence, don’t you agree?” I tried a dazzling smile. She looked at me confused.

“We have to get her somewhere warm,” Carlisle reminded, urging us to move.

“Do you have a map of the area? I’m not sure anymore what the fastest way back to the ranger station is.” Chrissie was being worried again. She was a tall woman with a bunch of brown curls on her head. She was wearing a woolen beanie now and a scarf, but even with this it was still clearly visible that the curls were nearly untamable. She still looked very confused, probably mostly by our lack of hiking boots or even a pair of sky pants against the cold like she was wearing right now. We had only dressed for maybe be seen in our car or maybe in the parking lot, not to interact with humans on the hiking trails.

“Our car is parked close by,” Edward explained. “It’s faster to just bring her there and drive you the rest of the way.” Luckily, we had taken the SUV to get here, because we would be able to fit six people in there without much effort.

Chrissie was hovering close to her friend all the way. Carlisle and Edward swapped her around just for keeping up the human facade.

Eleonora woke up a few times, her teeth clattering every time, but she relaxed as soon as she saw her friend’s familiar face in our group. Our speed was limited by our human audience of course, but we reached the parking lot in under thirty minutes, loading the two girls onto the backseat with Carlisle while Kate and I climbed into the front with Edward in the driver seat.

Carlisle was testing Eleonora’s pulse once in a while, but she got better soon, with the heating system blazing on the highest setting now.

Edward even switched on the navigation system and I could see his mind racing for an explanation for not taking them to the park officials.

“I would prefer to not make a scene,” Eleonora whispered lowly from the backseat.

“Elle! Du brauchst einen Arzt.” [Elle, you need a doctor.]

“Er ist ein Arzt,” Eleonora argued glancing at Carlisle. [He is a doctor.]

“We have to notify somebody about the rockfall,” Chrissie tried once more, speaking English again now, and I was asking myself if she instantly felt in danger being close to this many vampires.

“We can call the rangers,” Edward offered from the front seat where he was once more playing around with the navigation system we didn’t need. Only now I realized that Edward might look a little young to be the one driving this kind of car. He looked at me annoyedly at that thought. I shrugged lightly. Being stuck in a body that would barely ever pass as a college graduate must be pretty annoying, I considered. I assumed it was easier for women in this aspect. With a little work, I could probably pass all the way from high school to the early thirties with just a little effort towards my clothing and hairstyles. I had never tried to go to high school though. The whole concept appeared a little ridiculous. I sometimes applied for college just to enjoy the fraternity life though.

“We should take her to our place,” Kate suggested suddenly. All of us looked a little baffled by her idea except Edward who must have followed the reasoning in her mind.

We didn’t bring humans to our house. It was our sanctuary, so to say, a place where we could be like we truly were. Why would she suggest bringing not only one but two humans into this safehouse with us?

“It’s closer,” Edward agreed slowly, hesitantly. At least we were closer to Talkeetna than to Willow and Wasilla, I assumed. So, his words might actually hold some truth.

“I could look after her there to check for signs of a concussion?” Carlisle added slowly, looking at me for my approval in my role as a coven leader now.

I tried to find an answer in Kate’s eyes. ‘She could meet the others,’ Kate mouthed inaudibly. I frowned. ‘They want to know her.’ I was not convinced, and she realized it. ‘You want her to.’ I frowned unsure, considering if I wanted that.

I threw a barely noticeable look towards Chrissie. Kate understood instantly. ‘She will be more comfortable with a friend around.’

I thought about that for a moment and realized that not only the vampires but also the two human girls were waiting for my verdict on this idea.

“Alright,” I said slowly. “If that’s alright with you girls?”

“Definitely,” Chrissie said with a speed that surprised me as much as Eleonora. Edward chuckled and started the motor now, the navigation system showing a route to our home, the sound switched off. He slipped from the parking lot with barely a look over his shoulder and was onto the main road with nearly forty kilometers per hour already.

“Drive reasonable, Edward,” Carlisle warned from the backseat and I realized we should probably close our seatbelts for the show. I handed it to Kate wordlessly.

“Of course, Dad.” Edward’s voice held a little defiance and I held back a laugh. Sometimes I understood why they enjoyed their little game of family in public. I was surprised that he chose the role of Carlisle’s son in this situation but did not say anything about it. I remembered that for a long time they had been brothers and then Edward had become Carlisle’s brother-in-law before Rosalie joined the family and the idea of adopted children became more reasonable.

I barely cared about how fast Edward was going but watched the two human girls in the back seat having their own silent discussion now. ‘Was tust du?’ Eleonora’s lips formed, maybe a little angry. [What are you doing?]

Chrissie smiled. ‘Das, wozu du zu feige bist!’ [What you are too much of a coward to do.] I realized I was missing important information in this conversation. I looked at Edward who was looking straight forward as a driver should. His lips were twitching a little.

“Should we give the others a heads-up?” I asked after a moment of futile starring. “If you want to get them into dry clothing there, we might have to dig some, because I honestly don’t think any of our clothes will fit.” I didn’t want to insult anybody for there body type now, but just height-wise none of my clothes would fit either of them. I wasn’t even sure if Carmen was tall enough for that.

“My clothes will be dry soon,” Eleonora said, blushing again. I was surprised that even with her smell filling the car I felt no thirst for her blood. Was that what Edward had once described as being desensitized?

“We can ask Eleazar. He should be Christina’s height.” Kate estimated. “Or Garrett if that does not work out.”

Garrett. I frowned. I hadn’t thought about him before. Was this a good idea? He was fairly new to our lifestyle and had drunken human blood for a long time before. I hated the idea of putting Eleonora in danger.

‘Give him some credit,’ Edward said to low for anybody but me and Kate to hear. She frowned at me but didn’t say anything.

“You didn’t answer my original question,” I reminded them a little worried now, even if both Edward and Kate seemed offended by me considering the newest addition to our family as a threat.

“I’ll call,” Kate said, slipping her hand into my pocket with a grin. She enjoyed reminding me of the phone I broke, I noticed. I rolled my eyes.

Carlisle had caught Eleonora’s attention now. Telling her to follow his finger with her eyes and asking her if she was dizzy.

“A little, but I think that’s mainly because of the driving,” she admitted with a blush. She got carsick easily, I concluded amusedly, because Edward was driving without any indication of his actual speed.

Chrissie was watching me, I realized then. I wasn’t sure what her eyes were searching for in mine. I smiled at her. Winning her over would probably help with Eleonora too, I assumed.

Kate was talking with Eleazar now in a low voice. “Yes, there was a rockfall. We don’t think she is hurt, but Carlisle would like to keep an eye on her until he’s sure.” I tried to listen to what Eleazar was saying but Kate had switched down the volume so much that even my senses had trouble picking up his words clearly from right next to her. “Yes, her friend too. Could you look for some warm clothes that might fit them? They are both closer to your height than ours. Ask Garrett if you don’t find anything.”

I realized she was warning them as much as asking for a favor now. Making the house appear human, prepare Garrett for the visiting humans. A curious game we were playing here. I still wasn’t sure if it was the best idea.

“Yes, thank you. About half an hour, I think.”


	6. Total Eclipse of the Heart 2.0

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure about this title but it feels very fitting somehow. I'm open to suggestions!  
> Please enjoy the chapter!

Kate’s estimation was very much on point. We reached the house half an hour later, Edward not swaying from the snowy road once even with his compromise on reasonable speed being at one hundred thirty kilometers per hour.

Carlisle had asked Eleonora to relax a little and say something if she started to feel dizzy. Chrissie watched over her in a way that appeared to be more of a sister’s than a mere friend’s. I was happy that she had such a good friend but knew that if I wanted to get close to Eleonora, I would get in between both of them. I felt a little bad about that.

When the car stopped in front of the garage and Edward waited for us to get out, I had nearly forgotten about the seatbelt. Kate snapped it open and then I was outside, barely feeling the slippery floor beneath my boots. Carlisle got out from the seat behind me, but for once I was faster and opened the door for first Chrissie and then Eleonora to step out.

“Careful the ground is a little slippery,” Carlisle warned, taking both the girl’s backpacks from the trunk.

“A little?” Chrissie questioned grabbing onto the car for the support, her voice dripping with irony.

It only took one step for Eleonora to lose her balance, her arms waving, and I hurried to catch one of them, pulling her upward before she could hit her head against something else. I still wasn’t sure if she was maybe having a concussion in the first place.

The thick fabric of her coat stopped the coldness of my fingers to reach her skin and I didn’t let go even when she had found her balance again.

“How are you not even a little unstable with these shoes?” she asked accusingly. Her cheeks were all red again.

“Practice,” I answered but gave her an apologetic smile. It wasn’t really fair. Nobody even considered cleaning away the snow and the ice here because none of us was even bothered by it at all.

I offered Chrissie a hand too, but she moved with slow but very sure movements on her own.

It was only then that Eleonora truly saw the house in front of us, the wood shimmering nearly orange in the slowly sinking sun, the black roof a striking contrast to the white snow. Esme had loved to rebuild something for us here and was taking care of all kinds of maintenance from wherever she and her family were staying right now. It was quite a sight to behold and I sometimes forgot that the sheer size was unexpected for most people. They associated it with wealth mostly. I did not like the idea of Eleonora reducing me to this assumption.

“Wow,” was the only thing she said in the end. I urged her forward to get her into new clothes finally.

Edward drove the car into the garage behind us while I helped Eleonora up the steps to the front door, Kate assumingly hovering behind Chrissie to catch her in case of her slipping.

Eleazar opened the door before we reached the last step. He moved back from the door and towards Carmen’s side with an inviting smile on his face. I could see Garrett leaning a little bit further back against the sofa.

I unwillingly let go of Eleonora’s arm when she moved over the threshold. Kate and Carlisle followed Chrissie into the room too and Edward soon joined the room from the side door that was directly linked to the garage.

There was a moment of silence in which I – or maybe all of us – expected all hell to break loose around us, but nothing happened. I was already on my way to step forward as the leader of our family as well as as the reason for the humans to be here when it was Eleonora who spoke first.

“You must be Eleazar,” she said with a comfortable and warm voice. “And Carmen.” She sounded so very kind and openminded that it took everybody by surprise. “It is so nice to have faces to the names now.”

I honestly had expected her to be more shocked or insecure after her reaction to seeing Edward and Carlisle for the first time after her near-death experience. But it was like she was when she talked with members of her parish, self-confident and sincere with every word.

“And you are Garrett?” she asked a little softer into the direction of the last member of our family. He rose from his slumped position, reaching up to his full height now, grinning his usual smile and I could only assume that that meant that her smell did not bother him much. He took a small step in Kate’s direction and my sister moved towards his embrace instantly, two parts of one being since the day he had decided to follow her everywhere she went. She barely reached up to his shoulder, but with her affinity to high heels, he rarely needed to bow down for a kiss.

“That’s right,” he smiled his usual open-hearted smile. It was hard not to like Garrett with his easygoing personality.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” Eleonora continued towards all of them. She hesitated for a short moment before she continued. “I’m Eleonora and this is Christina. We studied together back in Germany.”

“The pleasure is all ours,” Carmen answered, her Spanish accent for more pronounced than the distant memory of Russian in Kate’s and my voice. She was leaning against Eleazar’s chest, the height difference far less pronounced between them.

“We laid out some clothes in the upstairs bathroom for you and your friend to change into,” Eleazar said with as much gentleness in his voice as in his wife’s. “I hope they will fit you.”

“That’s really not necessary.” Eleonora blushed once more.

“Doctor’s orders,” Carlisle intervened quickly. “And then we will check for your pupil’s reactions to light.” It was an order, but his voice remained as soft as always as he asked it of her.

“Let’s go,” Chrissie urged her friend.

“Just up the stairs, the first door on the right,” Edward added in a calm voice.

“You can leave your coats to dry here in front of the fireplace,” I offered, reaching out for the heavy fabric of the ankle-long cloak as well as the more practical jacket Chrissie was wearing.

I watched both of them move up the stairs before I placed both jackets close to the fire that was already burning in the old stone fireplace.

“’Sie ist hübsch’?” [‘She is beautiful’? Chrissie’s voice was still audible all the way down the stairs, even if it was barely more than a whisper for human ears. “Sie sehen alle aus als hätte ein alter Meister sie aus Stein geschlagen! Was ist das bitte für ein Genpool?“ [They all look like an old master created their faces out of stone! What’s going on with their genes?]

„Pscht,“ Eleonora hushed her friend.

“Ich dachte wirklich, du übertreibst, als du meintest, dass das Bild ihr nicht annähernd gerecht wird, aber du hast definitiv die Wahrheit gesagt!“ [I thought you exaggerated when you told me that her picture didn’t do her justice but you were absolutely telling the truth.] Chrissie really didn’t seem to care about speaking more quietly. “Jetzt erklär mir nochmal die Familienverhältnisse. Die beiden Blonden sind Schwestern? Und der Große mit dem dunkelblonden Haar ist der Freund der Schwester?“ [Explain their relationships once more form me. The blondes are sisters? And the tall one with the dark blonde her is the sister’s boyfriend?]

„Ja, genau. Und die beiden mit dem braunen Haar sind Cousins aus Spanien.“ [Yes, and the darkhaired couple are cousins from Spain.] Eleonora explained the few things I had told her over our family. “Ich wusste nicht, dass es offenbar noch einen Cousin gibt. Und ich weiß wirklich nicht, wie jemand mit so einem Gesicht einen fast erwachsenen Sohn haben kann.“ [I didn’t know of any other cousin before today. And I have honestly no idea how somebody with this kind of face could even have a nearly adult son.]

I felt a little bad for eavesdropping like that and looked towards my family now.

“She is lovely,” Carmen said in a soft voice that would not be audible upstairs. “And so very polite.”

“And very gifted,” Eleazar mentioned. I looked at him surprised. His gift was very unclear when it came to humans, but his voice sounded very sure. “I can’t really pinpoint it, but something about the way she speaks…” He trailed off, searching for words for what he had experienced. “Really charming,” was the only conclusion he could make in the end. I wasn’t sure how I felt knowing that she would be gifted if I did decide to change her.

I remembered that I hadn’t had the opportunity yet to find out about her sexual inclination as I had planned before meeting her again. I saw Edward smiling a little, but he didn’t say anything as new words echoed lowly through the ceiling.

“Ich könnte niemals mit ihr mithalten, selbst wenn ich mich nicht immer wie ein absoluter … _imbecile_ benehmen würde, sobald sie und ich im selben Raum sind.“ [I could never be on equal terms with somebody this beautiful, even if I wouldn’t always become a complete _imbecile_ as soon as we are in the same room with each other.]

“Ich habe eure Nachrichten gelesen, Elle, wenn sie kein Interesse hätte, würde das anders aussehen.“ [I read your chats, Elle, if she wouldn’t be interested in something more, she would not sound this eager.]

“Ich weiß nicht, Chrissie. Was hätte ich ihr schon zu bieten?“ [I don’t know, Chrissie. What would I ever be able to offer her?] I could hear water running now. But the words I was listening to now were making my head spin. Could they truly be talking about me?

“Wie lange hattest du jetzt keine Beziehung mehr, mh? Zehn Jahre? Länger? Ich weiß, du sagst, du bräuchtest niemanden, um glücklich zu sein und dass du dir den Stress mit einem Kirchenvorstand ersparen willst, aber du kannst mir nicht sagen, dass du nicht einsam bist.“ [How long did you not have a relationship? Ten years? Longer? I know, you don’t need anybody to be happy and that you don’t want to get in any fights with the elders of your parish, but don’t lie to me; you are lonely.]

“Und dann? Geh ich nach Deutschland zurück und mache mein zweites Examen? Ich bezweifle, dass sie irgendein Interesse daran hätte mitzukommen. Und du weißt genauso gut wie ich, das Auslandspfarrstellen nicht an Berufsanfänger vergeben werden, ganz egal wie viel Erfahrung ich bereits habe.“ [And then? I go back to Germany and finish my final exams? I don’t think she would even consider joining me. And you know as good as I do: young pastors are never sent to foreign parishes, even if they have as much experience as I have.] And I hated to hear her this upset, even when her words were speaking of a future together so hopefully.

“Es muss ja nicht für immer sein.“ [It doesn’t have to be forever.] The irony was tangible. Because if what I was hearing truly meant that I had a chance, then it had to be forever or I might lose my mind over it.

“Du weißt, dass ich jemand bin, der viel zu schnell viel zu tief in sowas drinsteckt. Ich kann nicht ‘einfach nur so‘ und ‘mal eben‘.“ [You know that I’m this kind of person that gets emotionally invested far too quickly. I can’t do ‘just for one night’ and ‘no strings attatched’.]

Chrissie sighed. “Ich möchte dich nicht unter Druck setzen. Lehn es nur einfach nicht von vorneherein ab, nur weil du schlechte Erfahrungen gemacht hast.“ [I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want. I just want you to give things a chance, give her a chance, and don’t be afraid because of making bad experiences before.]

“Das sagst du so einfach, Miss Ich-heirate-den-mit-dem-ich-mein-erstes-Mal-hatte.“ [Easy for you to say: You married your first boyfriend.] To my surprise, she laughed. I felt terrible just imagining what kind of experiences Eleonora might have had in the past.

Chrissie joined in. “Entspann dich einfach, okay? Kein Druck, keine Erwartungen. Einfach Freunde, die etwas gemeinsam unternehmen, selbst wenn diese Freunde aussehen wie Supermodels und sich eine Villa mitten in einem Naturschutzgebiet leisten können.“ [Just relax. There is no pressure, no expectations. You are just friends that spend time together – even if these friends look like supermodels and own a mansion in the middle of a national park.]

I was still staring straight ahead, listening to the clear noise of their laughter from upstairs.

“Let’s make them some tea,” Carmen suggested suddenly. “To warm them up from the inside as well.” I looked at her, she was smiling, but I had never really considered if either of them was able to speak German.

My eyes moved through the room. Carlisle was at the living room table, getting some things from the doctor’s case he always took with him in his car. Kate and Garrett were standing close to the TV, their heads stuck together, differing between small kisses and inaudible whispers. My eyes ended up on Edward, who could definitely understand German if his smile was any indicator.

“It felt like I was part of a soap opera inside the car.” He said quietly, grinning at me. “I told you. Don’t forget how humans react to our appearance. It was only a question of a basic predisposition.” I felt happiness bubble inside my chest.

“You should wear gloves,” Edward suddenly suggested, and I frowned at him. “Leather one’s maybe.” Then he turned to his father’s side, helping him with something and leaving me alone in the middle of the big room that made up most of the first floor.

I had no idea why he would suggest gloves, but I was up the stairs and in my room in an instant, changing my clothes to something that would look good with the leather gloves that reached up over my elbows. I quickly chose a light grey turtleneck sweater that would cover the rest of my arms as well as the gloves that covered my hands. I had the feeling that Edward had been trying to tell me to not show skin right now, so I stayed in the black leather leggings I was wearing already as well as the black high heel boots. The sweater was long enough to cover my butt even if just barely – as far as most people were concerned, I could probably go out with only leggings and nobody would be bothered in the slightest anyway.

I went to the bathroom to check for any reminders of us fighting and hunting, but only brushed my hair a little in the end, before grabbing a long sleeveless shrug from a hanger. The burgundy would bring a little color into the outfit I decided, and it made me look as if I was worried about the cold.

I hurried back downstairs. Our two human guests had already finished. Eleonora was sitting with Carlisle, following his small flashlight with her eyes. “I think there might be some bruises, but nothing more,” she answered a question I hadn’t heard upstairs. “I can move everything and no headaches either.”

There was music now, low notes in the background. Kate was sitting with Garret, her feet pulled up onto the sofa – the shoes carefully put aside – and leaning against Garrett’s side. Chrissie was sitting with them, dressed in one of Eleazar’s dress shirts and a pair of pants that fit surprisingly well. They were talking about her job and her husband who hadn’t been able to join her trip because of work. “You have children?” Carmen asked from her place on a footstool close to where Eleazar was keeping the fire burning. Chrissie declined. “Maybe someday.” She was holding a cup of tea in her hands but didn’t appear to be confused by the intense attention she was getting from four vampires at the same time.

Edward was standing close to the music system, flicking through the digital collection of music we had. I joined him. “Not earning your approval?” I assumed from his facial expression. I knew he was still very much a fan of old-school media. I honestly wasn’t able to hear the difference between most digital versions and old records. It was much less space-consuming too.

“Denigrator,” he huffed in my direction.

I just laughed at him, taking a look at the playlist he was creating. “80s?” I asked. “Are you trying to make her more comfortable?”

He smiled up at me. “It’s working.” I could hear that he was proud of how well things were working out. Honestly, he couldn’t have done it better with Alice by his side.

“I’m not sure about that,” he argued, leaning against the wall with the tablet in his hand, looking into the room now. He sounded smug anyway, flattered by my compliment.

I decided to lean against the empty armchair’s backrest close to him. My eyes were immediately drawn to where Carlisle was looking at a few of the place’s Eleonora claimed to be sore.

He was working and talking at the same time, distracting her from any form of shyness. “My father was a man of the church. He would have liked me to follow in his footsteps.” He smiled up at her. “Fate decided on a different path for me.” That was a nice way of expressing ‘I found a vampire layer and was changed into an undead being’, I decided.

“My parents aren’t religious,” she answered. “I think they were surprised when I chose to become a pastor.”

“Were they angry?”

“No, my mother was very supportive. She just wanted all of us to be happy with what we do.” Eleonora was wearing one of Garrett’s shirts, I realized, the pants were Eleazar’s though. She had to fold it up a few times to not step on the edges. Maybe we should wash their clothes? I hadn’t thought about how long they would be staying.

Carlisle pulled down Eleonora’s sleeve again now. “I think you will be fine, but if you get dizzy at any point say something, please.”

“I will,” she promised.

“You are sure that you don’t have a headache?”

“No. Really, I don’t think I even hit my head when I rolled down the slope. I instantly protected my head with my arms, I think.” I didn’t like to think about the accident or more precisely the three of them that had nearly killed her today.

“If you change your mind, I have some painkillers here.”

“Thank you so much,” she said honestly, doing this strange little bow thing again that she – as I knew now – had probably picked up in her time in Japan.

Carlisle closed his doctor’s bag now and Eleonora rose a little unsure what to do with herself. I waved at her to come over.

The music changed then, and I frowned when suddenly the cords of the very same Bonnie Tyler song echoed through the hidden speakers that she had sung in the kitchen last week. I was absolutely sure that this was no accident and as if some kind of clue had dropped, Kate looked in my direction.

“Oh, that’s the song you dance to lately, Tanya, isn’t it?”

I didn’t like the way this was turning, and I might even feel a little ashamed of Eleonora knowing that this song had inspired me to dance again. That was not a feeling I had often felt before in my life and I would have preferred not to experience it now.

“She’s right. Have you made any progress with your choreography lately?” Edward added. He knew I hadn’t, but my expression of incomprehension didn’t seem to even bother him the slightest.

“No, I haven’t thought about it much today,” I answered slowly.

“Well, show us. Maybe fresh eyes can help you out!” Kate suggested and I quickly looked around between them. What were they getting at here? Why would they want me to dance now?

“What kind of dancing?” Chrissie asked curiously and I realized that everybody – including Eleonora – was watching me now. Only Carlisle seemed to be ashamed of whatever they were planning right now.

“I guess it’s mostly Contemporary,” I answered, realizing that Edward had stopped the music and was going back to the beginning of the song.

“You have enough space here, right?” Kate asked. Of course, I had, I always danced here. So why was she suddenly so pushy?

And then I realized that Eleonora was with them at the couch now, looking at me hopefully. She was biting her lip. “Would you show us?” she asked shyly.

I had lost any fight then, I realized. “Sure,” I agreed slowly, putting my shrug away before I even finished deciding. I loosened the shoes as well and placed them next to the music stand and slowly moved my now bare foot up my leg; just to stretch it out in a straight line in a ninety-degree angle to my hips a moment later, trying out the elasticity of my leggings. I didn’t want to rip them with any of my movements. It probably appeared like I tried to stretch some muscles before dancing. Which was something I would need to do anyway to not make anybody worry about my muscle and ligaments with some of the moves I intended to make.

So, I moved my head a little in a circular movement on my way into the middle of the room where no furniture was left already – they did plan this after all. My shoulders followed and then I stretched my sides as well by leaning over to each side for a short moment. Of course, there were no muscles that really could get hurt. It was just for the show. I assumed my toes should be stretched a little too. I bowed my toes against the floor a few times each. As for my legs, I just grabbed my feet and stretched the leg up into the air. Every movement came instinctually to me and I mainly focused on doing them slow enough. That was easier said than done without the beat of a song to slow me down.

For good measure I leaned my upper body down towards the floor with straight legs, nearly placing my whole forearms on the floor in front of me in the same movement. I could hear Eleonora gasp a little. I enjoyed that I realized.

I looked at Edward then, waiting for him to start the song again, before slowly gliding down into a sitting position, my head placed on one knee, my hands crossed at its ankle while listening to the first few bars of the music. With the first line of singing my hand glided up my leg and up into the air in a straight line, before coming down fast when Bonnie Tyler’s voice joined the man’s. My body followed its movement until I was kneeling, lifting one leg up into the air, my face still o so close to the floor.

My mind was racing, overwhelmed by the sheer knowledge of her watching me right now. This dance was as much an homage to the lyrics as it was to our first meetings, but I assumed she wouldn’t even understand the despair in these first few movements of me trying to fight the instinct to just grab and kill her, breaking down over the dead body in shame as much as in the knowledge of what I might have lost with doing so.

With the next ‘turn around’ my face rose up, perceiving so much more in her face now than just the food my instincts had made her out to be.

Bonnie’s voice rose again and I fell onto my back, stretching my fingers out towards the ceiling, now moved by the desire to just touch her, to feel her warmth on my skin, to see her smile.

My chest pushed up in rebellion as I tried to revolt against the desire that followed meeting her, my arms stretched out wide next to me in a fluid backward motion before I sank back towards the floor in defeat. My right arm pulling me towards the right when I was willing to succumb to murdering her in the church, the left pulling me into the opposite direction thanks to Kate’s intervention.

I moved over my right shoulder with Tyler’s voice echoing through the speakers once more, up onto my hands, stretching out my leg into the sky, following the music’s rising momentum onto my left hand and knee and my outstretched hand onto my feet with the first ‘bright eyes’ of the lyrics, forgetting any thoughts about my audience by now and just moving with the song. I wrapped my arms around my chest in fear of losing something that was essentially part of myself, jumping back a step my arms wide again when I opened up to my family, just to be pulled around by conflicting feelings once more, repeating the movement in a standing position now after half a turn.

The following part was something I wasn’t satisfied with yet, a combination of ballet-like steps into a sequence pulling me between the edges of the room, somehow insecure and unsatisfying as much as our awkward conversation in the church hall had been. Until the music reached another climax, the movements I had only tried out before suddenly fitting into the story when with the second ‘fall apart’ I went into a wide split jump, leading into a leg hold turn, followed by an instant aerial back into the middle of the room. It was the fight against the bear I had only experienced today. I took a jump, landing in a split, moving my upper body around in a circle, before leaning back completely, stretching up my left leg over my head, and getting up into a standing position, right into a cartwheel. I escaped Edward’s grip with a swift kick towards the air, another flip without my fingers once touching the ground and I suddenly remembered that I hadn’t apologized to Carlisle for ripping off his fingers. Esme would probably be very angry with me for leaving a permanent scar on her husband’s hands and the guiltiness moved into my dance now as I ran forward before Kate would push me back with a sharp movement.

I was pulled around by my desires once more, my hair whipping around my head with sharp movements, until the bear was dead and I could sink down next to her in the snow, afraid for a moment that I might have lost her due to my own lack of self-control, but reassured by Carlisle’s words easily. The ground movements a sequence of fast ups and downs that ended with me raising upwards onto my feet again pulled by an imaginary string attached to my chest in slow motion when the music calmed down again.

And then she was here and I heard her whispered words in the bathroom, my chest opening up for a future I still hadn’t fully dared to believe in, my dance flowing into another pirouette my leg outstretched this time, the up and down movement of my supporting leg speeding up with each turn until it ended in a fanning tuck jump like my heart had done once I realized that all my fears about her religiousness had no impact on her being interested in me.

I fell to the ground then, overwhelmed by the feeling and the last bars of the singing faded. The music warped into the instrumental bridge and I truly didn’t know how to go on, because this part of our story hadn’t happened yet and somehow I felt like I didn’t want to continue this dance alone anymore. So, I stopped, looking up for the first time, the music returning into its position of a background sound and I slowly returned to my feet. Edward turned down the volume and I realized not only did Eleonora and Chrissie stare at me in open-mouthed shock but even Kate’s eyes had widened in surprise. Did me putting the memories of today into this last part of the dance change it this much that my sister was surprised? Or had she seen the story behind it as clearly as I had this time?

The two humans lifted their hands simultaneously into a hesitant clapping and I brushed my hair back smiling with deep heartfelt happiness when I looked at Eleonora’s bright green eyes now.

“That was incredible,” she breathed and her voice sounded as rough as if she had held it in for a long time, her heart was hammering in her chest, but my throat didn’t burn, even with me breathing freely now. All in all, I felt better than I could remember for a very long time and I wanted to share this with her badly. And finally, I understood why Edward had suggested gloves for me.

“Join me,” I asked in barely more than a whisper, stretching my fingers out in her direction, confident as I had never been in her presence before.

Her eyes widened in shock. “I really can’t dance like that.” She looked at her friend in panic. “Chrissie is a far better dancer than I will ever be.”

It was not like I didn’t like her friend. I assumed she must be a nice girl just for being friends with Eleonora, but she just wasn't the person I wanted to join me right now. “Don’t be an idiot,” Chrissie said to my relief and quiet blandly I realized as she threw her friend a very obvious look. _Move your ass onto that dance floor or I will kick your ass._

Hesitantly Eleonora took a few steps forward, unsure what to do, dressed in male clothes that were obviously far too big for her. I couldn’t imagine her ever being more beautiful to me than right now.

My hand had stayed stretched out for her and her fingers slipped into them, just when a new song started. Edward had turned up the music again and I considered giving him a confused look for his choice of music when the slow beats of Belinda Carlisle’s ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ started to flow from the speakers.

But then I saw Eleonora’s lips moving with the lyrics without making any sound and felt her relax a little under the smooth leather of my gloves. I hated that I couldn’t feel her skin on mine right now, but I could easily imagine her shying away from the coldness of my fingers. And like this I could slip my second hand into hers as well, interlacing our fingers carefully. I swayed my hips in the beat slowly pulling my hands into the movement and with a little hesitation and a last look over her shoulder towards her friend – who made a hip movement that I assumed implied a chachacha – Eleonora fell into step with me. We didn’t really dance a chachacha, but she was fairly good in following the beat now and I could feel how her shoulders became softer with every passing second. It wasn’t very different from how I sometimes pushed a man to follow my movements when he was frozen in place by my beauty. And I could see how Eleonora’s lips slowly moved into a smile all the while.

The song was almost over when I felt a slow pull at my hand, and I followed the movement willingly – ignoring the surprised I felt by her initiative. It was easy to see what her intention was now, a little clumsy maybe, but her feet were following the clear steps of a traditional chachacha and the pull of her arm moved me into a simple turn. I obliged easily, amazed when her right hand glided over my side onto my back into a closed dance position, her easily taking the male lead in it.

She blushed a little. “There never were enough men when I took my dance classes,” she explained. The song was nearly over now, but I followed the basic steps of her dancing now, charmed by her effort and realizing that maybe I truly didn’t have to change my old habits all that much.

We fell into an easy Rumba next. She didn’t know all that many different steps, but I didn’t care much about it. I just enjoyed sharing this thing with her that I had always enjoyed greatly. And Edward really did a good job in choosing the music.

It was a few songs later that the first cords of Madonna’s ‘La Isla Bonita’ started when Eleonora hesitated for the first time. “Chrissie loves dancing Samba. Would you mind…?”

Her question surprised me, and I only now realized that Carmen and Eleazar had joined us a few minutes ago. Chrissie was talking with an excited Garrett about winter sports, but when she heard her name she looked up and I let go of Eleonora’s finger. “Of course not,” I said honestly and watched how the blond girl waved her friend over excitedly.

Chrissie grabbed Eleonora’s hands familiarly, taking the male position without hesitation, and fell into easy movements, with her hips swaying nearly as fluently as Carmen’s a few steps away. Eleonora was a little stiffer, but she obviously had fun too.

I walked over to where my sister was sitting, Edward close by. “I can’t believe you did this,” I said, and my words were more thanks than an accusation.

“You’re welcome,” Kate grinned, and she truly deserved how proud she sounded now, I decided.

I watched the human girls for a moment, sweat glittering on Eleonora’s forehead that I hadn’t noticed before. I decided to get both of them a glass of water from the kitchen like a human host would have done.

When I came back, Chrissie was being complimented by Carmen on her dancing abilities. Eleonora was sitting on the footstool now, catching her breath. She smiled at me when she saw me, and I handed her one of the glasses.

“Thanks.” She took a big gulp. “This is really fun.”

I could only agree with her. “It is.” Seeing her this happy was greatly satisfying and even if I had no explanation for it, I realized that her smell was barely bothering me now. I was very sure that I couldn’t be as close to her as I could to the men, I used to pick up in the clubs, but sitting next to her was really barely a bother anymore.

“Tanya, why don’t you join me for a dance?” Edward asked a moment later.

“Will your Bella be jealous?” I teased.

He rolled his eyes. “I think she is over that by now.”

I threw another look at Eleonora, but she really looked like she needed a break. “I’ll be back,” I promised before taking Edward’s hand.

The music had changed to a Rumba once more, which made it easy to fall into a low conversation with Edward.

“Carlisle wanted to check if she really is not dizzy, but she isn’t, only overwhelmed by you,” he explained.

“And I thought you changed your mind after all this time.” The words were filled with irony, while I felt incredible happiness bubble inside me in reaction to his words. “Thanks,” I repeated. He smiled.

“Kate will offer them to stay the night,” he continued. “Is that alright with you?”

I really didn’t want this moment to ever end. We had enough beds and about a million unused toothbrushes in one of the bathroom cupboards. No, I didn’t mind at all. We even had some food to offer them, which was probably a good idea when they stayed. We only bought it for the show, and it was truly a waste that it was thrown out untouched.

Edward got his answer from my mind, so I didn’t bother to answer him.

“Are you still worried?” Edward probed after another half a minute. “About this not working out with who you are?” There the gentleman was.

“No,” I answered honestly. “It feels incredibly easy.”

“I think it could have been the same for me and Bella if I hadn’t tried so hard to safe her soul,” Edward admitted. “Your theory about her blood calling to you appears to be correct.” He sounded a little regretful and I assumed he wished that he would have spared his wife a lot of the pain she had to suffer, but then he might have never been able to hold his daughter in his arms and I knew he could never regret that even with all the pain it has caused all of us.

“I wouldn’t change a thing now,” he admitted. “I just want you to consider how much easier it can be than it was for me.”

I wasn’t sure if I liked where his words were heading.

“You’re incredibly in control with her,” Edward said instead. “But I just want you to know that her faith truly is no inhibition for her, so maybe you should just tell her everything to protect her as much as yourself.”

I would consider that, I decided, grateful for his gift as much as him not holding back any of this from me.

The dance ended soon after and I returned to the sofa with him.

Eleonora was dancing with Chrissie once more, a disco fox now. They were slipping easily between the different roles, Chrissie leading for half a minute, spinning her friend around without any inhibitions; Eleonora taking over with just a small turn in how they were holding hands, making Chrissie turn even faster, both laughing freely now, more comfortable than I would have ever thought possible.

Edward disappeared in the kitchen with Carlisle. He had once learned how to cook for his human mate and intended to do the same now for mine so that I didn’t miss a moment of the spectacle in front of me. It made me consider something Edward had said to me the day in the snow: A relationship was as much giving as it was taking. There didn’t need to be one person to lead on every step of the way, no male or female stereotypes applied to any of this. I could be as much myself as she could be. If I wanted to give her something that did not mean that I lost any part of who I was. And I enjoyed the idea of being both: the one taking as much as the one giving. And maybe that meant that I would need to tell her what we were at one point, but for now, I just wanted to get to know her in every aspect possible and without her needing to consider eternity. We had enough time and I was very much in control of myself if I did not worry about losing it.

The music changed into a jive and both girls stayed on the dancefloor, Chrissie in the lead once again. Eleonora was a little late to the beat, hurrying after her friend. It made me smile because this was as much part of her as enjoying the nice things in life was part of me.

“Willst du es versuchen?” [You want to try?] Chrissie asked suddenly, pulling me from my thoughts. I wasn’t sure what she was talking about.

“Okay,” Eleonora agreed and then they started a short but obviously well-trained step sequence including a few kicks. They separated in the end and when I saw Chrissie moving her base lower and Eleonora taking a few steps back to get a small run-up, I felt equally impressed and worried for both their safety. It wasn’t a complicated jump, just a small movement in which Eleonora placed her knees on Chrissie's thigh, Eleonora’s arm around Chrissie’s shoulders, and Chrissie’s wrapped around Eleonora’s waist. It looked like it was going well, until one of them lost balance or maybe Eleonora slipped a little because a second later both of them were tumbling and then they were tripping over each other as much as over there own feet, crashing into the floor in a tight knot of body parts.

I was on my feet instantly worried. The accident with the bear all too fresh in my mind. I could barely contain myself to move in human speed, but the bundle of limbs started to laugh loudly a second later.

“That was even worse than I remembered,” Chrissie commented while working out which body part belonged to whom and getting up.

Eleonora took her hand, when she offered it, laughing as well. “I remember why we stopped doing that.” She looked at me then. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to worry you.” Was it that obvious on my face?

“You didn’t hit your head again, did you?” I worried.

“No, I think it’s more painful for Chrissie than it is for me when we crash like this.”

“It is,” Chrissie agreed, rubbing her hip, moving towards the living room table where her glass of water was standing.

I stayed with Eleonora on the dance floor. She was still looking apologetically in my direction. “Really, I’m fine,” she promised. “No headache still.”

The music was calmer now and I recognized The Bangels’ ‘Eternal Flame’.

I didn’t ask this time, just took her hand in mine; the fingers of my left hand easily slipping around her right one. She looked at me fairy surprised when my right hand found her back. Honestly, I had never danced the men’s steps before, but I was fairly sure I could do it without any problems, so I pulled her as close as I dared and pushed my right foot forward. She moved her foot back easily and then we moved in unison to the beat of the famous love song.

The lyrics fit very well, I realized, except the heartbeat of course, but I still found her eyes with mine, hoping for an answer there to the question the song itself was asking. She averted her eyes shyly, but her lips were forming a small smile. Maybe I should put my heels back on the next time I tried taking the lead like this, I mused.

I knew she was interested in me. The conversation she had had with her friend had been very clear on this, but was it merely my beauty that had interested her? Or did she enjoy spending time with me as much as I did with her?

I could hear her heart beating eagerly in her chest and I just took this for my answer when her lips stayed silent; maybe she was shy once more.

When the song ended, I turned her once more which was a little hard to do with the height difference but worked out good enough in the end.

Her cheeks were burning up once more.

We moved to the sofa in unison now.

Their glasses were empty I realized but assumed they could have a refill when the food was ready.

“You don’t dance?” Eleonora asked Kate and Garrett a moment later. Kate was looking at the tablet with the music choices now, Garrett leaning down over her shoulder.

“No,” she smiled. “Garrett doesn’t, so I don’t either.”

“I would try for you,” he suggested.

“Please don’t,” Kate refused. “He is more the type for backcountry skiing and other ridiculously dangerous things.”

I laughed, remembering when Garrett had wanted Renesmee and Jacob to join him for one of his trips up the Denali.

“Chrissie did that once,” Eleonora mentioned associatively.

“More than once actually, but that one time I nearly gave our student pastor a heart attack.” Chrissie laughed.

“He already planned your funeral service. I am really glad I wasn’t with you at that time.”

“It wasn’t that bad. I flew a few meters and hit my head a little, not a big deal.” Chrissie shrugged. It sounded dangerous, at least for a human.

“You go skiing?” I asked curiously into Eleonora’s direction now.

“I tried when my lovely flatmate” – she gave her friend a pointed look – “coaxed me. I was terrible at it.” And after a short break, she added some more. “I don’t really like high places. Or going fast for that matter.”

Meanwhile, Chrissie mentioned that she felt like she was missing out with not going skiing here with all the snow, but that going alone really wasn’t the same. I could see in Garrett’s eyes how he wanted to offer to go with her.

I focused on Eleonora again. “Why?” I asked curiously.

She shrugged. “Scared of falling to my death, I think?” She laughed a little. “In my high school physics class, we once calculated the amount of pressure put on your body when you hit a wall with fifty kilometers per hour in a car. Knowing that it gets exponentially higher the faster you go, really only makes it worse.”

That sounded reasonable enough with how soft a human body was. She was lucky that she had no idea how fast Edward had been going this afternoon. I was curious about something else though. “You took physics in high school?” That didn’t sound the most obvious thing for a pastor to learn.

She nodded. “Physics and Mathematics as well as English and Chemistry.” Now I was really surprised.

“No religion?” I knew that this was considered a subject in Germany.

“As an oral exam. I was in a Christian school, it was mandatory.” She smiled. “But I actually started to study mathematics and computer sciences before I changed to theology.”

This came unexpectedly. Somehow, I had imagined that becoming a pastor had been the plan all along.

“You look like I sprouted a second head.” She looked a little worried now.

“I just thought religion to be an important part of your life,” I tried to explain.

“It is, but it was more of a hobby back then. I loved working with children, telling them the same stories I had enjoyed when I was younger, seeing how much their eyes would glow all the while.” She smiled, lost in memories now. “I mean I had considered the idea of theology before, but mathematics appeared to be the more economical choice.”

It was fascinating to see this very different side of her, very rational. It didn’t really fit into my picture of the faithful pastor to be.

“But imagining working with computers and numbers all my life…” She shrugged. “I just couldn’t imagine myself in that role.” She looked at me apologetically. I assumed because she couldn’t explain it any better than that. “I was much happier with theology. Most of the time at least.”

“Most of the time?” I repeated.

“It’s nearly impossible to study theology and to never… waver. When everybody tells you that all the stories that make up the foundation of your faith are written by people who didn’t know any other way to explain the world to themselves all the time, it is hard.” She looked a little sad now. “I had a slump when I returned from Japan. Unsure about how I could say that the only way to salvation is through Christ with so many other religions in the world. It didn’t fit into the picture of an almighty God.” She hesitated a little. “I felt very limited and insignificant back then. I needed to rediscover the magic that had once made me feel home in a church building when I didn’t feel at home anywhere else.” There was a deep sadness in her eyes now and it hurt me to realize how much she had struggled with what I had just assumed to be indisputably a part of her. “In the end, I just wanted to share what had helped me once with other people who are struggling and hoped and prayed for the feeling behind it to return one day.”

“And did it return?”

She smiled but didn’t answer.

Suddenly I was at a loss of words. This was not what I had expected at all. I had carefully avoided the topic of faith when chatting with her, afraid to hear what I had known to be an unclimbable wall between us. Now I wasn’t even sure in how much of what she preached with so much passion she truly believed.

“Are you really not baptized?” she asked suddenly, her voice light again. I blinked at her confusedly. “Mrs. Nelson mentioned that you were thinking about being baptized?”

I had a rough idea who Mrs. Nelson might be, and I sighed. “I am baptized, I just hoped she would be scandalized enough to stop talking.” I hoped my honesty wouldn’t be too harsh.

“She is rather difficult,” Eleonora agreed. “I’m sorry for not helping you get away from her.”

I waved away her worries. “Don’t worry about it.”

I wasn’t sure if she intended to ask more about my faith, but she stayed silent and I took the opportunity for something else. “Are you hungry?”

As if in response her stomach made a growling sound. She blushed again.

“Edward is cooking something. Want to check out if he is any good?” I remembered that she was a professional in this field as well and I was curious how Edward was holding himself at a stove.

“That’s very nice of him,” she said kindly.

In the end, Chrissie joined us as well and when we reached the door, Edward opened it, a tray with enough plates for every vampire in the room in his hand. I frowned confusedly.

“Feel free to take as much as you like.” And I realized the plates he carried were dirty but not filled with food. He was incredibly good at this whole acting business. Carlisle followed his son out into the living room, the door falling close in my back. The smell of tomatoes filled the room, mixed with herbs and spices.

“Sit down and I will get you some,” I decided, happy that Edward had placed the plates right next to the stove because I had no idea at all, where we stored them.

“Thank you,” both girls answered politely when I placed a plate of pasta in front of them. Then I joined them without a plate of my own.

“Are you not hungry?” Eleonora asked worriedly.

I smiled. “Intermittent fasting,” I decided on a lie quickly. Eleonora frowned with a skeptical look at what I assumed to be my general figure but didn’t say anything about unhealthy eating habits as I guessed she was thinking right now.

She looked at her plate again and I could only suspect the moment of silence was a short prayer. “Guten Appetit,” she ended, looking at Chrissie now. And then I just watched both of them eat, offering them two new glasses of water.

“Wow, this is great!” Eleonora concluded after only one bite of food. I guessed that Edward enjoyed hearing that.

“Edward is a man of many talents,” I answered, laughing about my own joke in silence.

From the kitchen windows, you had a great view onto the trees outside as well as the stars shimmering at the black sky, but it was not that which Eleonora commented on after a few bites of pasta.

“This kitchen is really beautiful.” And I realized that she would enjoy cooking here. “I only have two hotplates in my flat in Anchorage and the oven is the microwave at the same time. It’s like being in my first year of university again.”

“The potato gratin was fine,” Chrissie offered in defense.

“I guess, but I miss my kitchen.” She took another bite of the pasta. I stopped myself from offering her to cook here. I really didn’t want to force all of my family to eat something because of me or make up some kind of story why all of us where deeply in need of losing weight. Lying could only take you this far in the end.

Edward returned with the empty plates a little later, putting them into the dishwasher carefully and accepting the compliments he got for his cooking skills gracefully. “I rarely use this skill at home, it was fun.” He went for the door but stopped abruptly. “How do you guys feel about karaoke?”

I threw him an irritated look. This was going too far. Had he read that in my mind before?

“There’s no real equipment, but Garrett assumed we could get the lyrics onto a screen at least,” he continued, ignoring my thoughts completely.

I sighed and decided to play along. “Edward is as much a good singer as he is a cook. He just wants to show off.” Of course, I knew that that was not his intention at all, but I felt like being mean a little.

“We can stay with dancing,” Edward answered and it was much a real offer as it was a throwback that showing off had been exactly what I had been doing the last few hours. At least I had the defense of them forcing me to do so.

“No, why not? If the others would like to of course.” Eleonora smiled and I realized that it wasn’t about Edward boasting but giving her the opportunity to impress me with her skills as I had done before. I already knew that she could sing beautifully, but I looked forward to hearing it again at any given time.


	7. Music Is What Feelings Sound Like

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are quite a few songs in this chapter. I would recommend to check them out at each given time and will leave a list of the links here:  
> American Idiot (Green Day) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ee_uujKuJMI  
> Ta Ne (Kristína) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXLuBhc30OE [and the lyrics including an English translation: https://lyricstranslate.com/de/ta-ne-won%E2%80%99t-we.html]  
> Moskau (Dschinghis Khan) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvS351QKFV4  
> Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg  
> Lithium (Evanescence) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJGpsL_XYQI  
> Like A Prayer (Madonna) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79fzeNUqQbQ  
> Hijo de la Luna (Mecano) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwGG5fX7bxY  
> Or just use this link to get to a playlist with all the songs in it: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTA8_DxqwszDCDL8eh3LAOUQgUisu-KRZ
> 
> Also: If you are sensitive towards the loss of close family members, please, proceed with caution.

We returned to the living room soon after, but even before I opened the door, I could hear Kate laugh loudly.

“Oh yes, please, sing something for us, Garrett,” she said. “You don’t dance, but you can at least join us for this.” And then her intonation changed into mocking. “I bet Edward can find you a version of Yankee Doodle or The Liberty song or whatever other songs move your patriotic heart.”

I coughed, fighting back a laugh. Kate often claimed to not be sadistic, but she honestly wasn’t a friendly person either.

Garrett huffed. “That’s the best you can do?” He shot back easily.

“‘American Idiot’ by Green Day,” he decided just as we entered, and I was honestly surprised. Garrett wasn’t the most liberal person in any sense of the word. Neither was he a very good singer as we soon learned. His voice was fitting for this kind of song and he wasn’t really missing any of the notes – thanks to vampire senses I assumed – but he was just not sounding good while doing so. Some people just weren’t meant for singing. He enjoyed it immensely though. It was fun to watch.

Eleonora and Chrissie smiled too, relaxing into a comfortable position on the chairs they were sitting in. Edward was incredibly good at reading people, even just in the sense of guessing what a person would need to relax.

Kate kissed her mate as soon as the song was over. “Never do that again,” she laughed teasingly. I was pretty sure she didn’t mean it at all.

“Your turn then,” he grinned, refusing her a second kiss.

Edward typed a song title before Kate said anything, but neither of the girls appeared to notice. I was laughing loudly when I realized it was Slovakian. I had never heard of the singer Kristína before, but the lyrics soon made clear why Kate had decided on this song. Except for the train part, the whole idea of a man falling onto his knees in front of her after only a few moments of time was incredibly fitting to her bringing him to his knees when he had challenged her ability like an idiot in front of a whole group of vampires.

For a moment I wasn’t sure about the meaning of the title inspiring phrase ‘Ta Ne’, because I was fairly sure it was an Eastern Slovakian way of saying yes, but next to the lyrics there was also a video on the big screen and when the groom was left in front of the altar with a goat at the end of this, I was sure that the irony of her intonation had been intended from the very beginning.

Garrett didn’t understand much, of course, but even with his eyes mostly on her – Kate was definitely better at singing than him, even if not in the same league as Edward – he didn’t miss this message of the video and he obviously didn’t like the idea too much.

I laughed even harder seeing his face.

Eleonora looked at me questioningly. “The lyrics and the video don’t really match up,” I tried to explain, but I didn’t want to spoil Kate’s joke. “It fits well to how they met,” I decided to say instead. I was a little curious about what her mind made with that, but as I wasn’t Edward, I would not be able to know. Maybe one day she would hear how it had truly happened. Apparently, my explanation made sense for her as she didn’t ask any further questions and just smiled at the once again kissing couple.

“Chrissie, you want to choose a song next?” Edward suggested and with barely any hesitance she nodded.

She and Eleonora exchanged a quick glance. “Ist es rassistisch, wenn ich jetzt Moskau vorschlage?“ she asked. [Is it racist if I suggest ‘Moskau‘ now?]

“Das war slowakisch, denke ich, also nein, vermutlich nicht?“ Eleonora answered. [I think that was Slovakian, so, probably not?]

It was very considered that she thought about how we would feel, I assumed. It was clear where her inspiration had come from when she asked Edward for the keyboard and typing ‘Moskau Dschingis Khan’ into the search engine. None of us was particularly patriotic for our homeland though. It hadn’t been considered a country when we left there.

The costumes in the video appearing on screen while Chrissie sang were probably the best part of the whole song. It was impressive how well the human girl was able to fill the low notes with sound. She missed a few harmonies, but her enthusiasm made up for that and the best part was when Eleonora joined in into the loud laughing noise of the chorus. Both girls started to laugh then, Chrissie missing the next few notes. Garrett joined in for some of the shouted parts just for the fun of it. It was quite a spectacle.

“Catchy,” I commented when the song was over. It reminded me a little of Bonney M’s Rasputin, I decided.

Edward pulled up ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ for himself to sing, putting all of us at shame in less than a minute. Wasn’t playing the piano like a virtuoso enough of a skill to have? Did he need the ability to sing, too? I assumed it was only fair after making him listen to so much eighties music before. He was very opinionated about music between the sixties and the eighties after all.

“It’s your turn now, Tanya,” Edward decided with a grin when he finished his song, both human girls impressed into open-mouthed stares for a moment.

“No way,” I said instantly. “I am not going to embarrass myself after that.” Really, I had no desire of Eleonora laughing at me. I knew that she probably wouldn’t do that, just because she was a polite person, but I truly didn’t even want her to think of me badly.

When I realized her green eyes were looking at me hopefully, I nearly groaned. No, not even for her. “You go first,” I told her instead.

She hesitated but nodded a moment later. “Alright, but it’s your turn after me.”

I could see her think before she decided on a song hesitantly. “Evanescence, Lithium.”

Another surprise. She had only told me about her interest in “old” music before. Gothic Metal from the early two-thousands didn’t fit into that category and honestly, the cheery girl sitting in front of me didn’t look like she enjoyed something like the Gothic culture. A thousand questions popped into my mind now, eager to find an answer, but the music started, and I heard Eleonora take a shaky breath before the first note. It was barely audible, insecure, but at the same time incredibly fitting for the mood of the piano entrance. Her voice became more and more secure and I could see how her eyelids closed when the lyrics begged for God’s help. It was a desperate sound, so much more heartfelt than what Amy Lee put into the words in the original.

There was no hesitance in her voice anymore after the other instruments joined and if it had been possible in any way, I knew, that my skin would be crawling with goosebumps now. Edward’s performance was immediately blown from my mind. It was not close to the accuracy of Edward’s singing, but it was incredibly heartfelt and powerful, and it took my breath away.

If hearing her sing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ while cleaning had been beautiful then there were no words to ever describe what I was hearing now because in a way he only comparison that came to my mind was the voice of an angel, but the words held to much pain for that analogy to be fitting.

When the song was over the silence fell heavy over the room. No new song started, and nobody said a word. Eleonora took a deep breath and looked away from the empty screen for the first time in about four minutes. I did not expect what I saw in her eyes then: Insecurity.

How could she even consider that this had been anything but perfect? I felt like screaming on the inside and maybe wrapping my arms around her body to protect her from any harm that could ever lead to her feeling like what the song had tried to express.

For a moment I was hesitant if I was biased in my opinion of her, because somehow the more I got to know her, the more perfect she appeared, but I could see awe even in Edward’s eyes. Chrissie looked a little proud and Eleazar had this curious little furrow between his eyebrows that indicated he was trying to focus on his innate ability.

“Magnífica,” Carmen breathed out. I really had no words to agree to her and I just hoped my look was conveying anything close to how I felt about her right now.

“It’s your turn now,” she urged a little shy again. I could have put a bullet into my – metaphorically human – leg and not harm myself any more than when I had decided to sing after her. Really, Edward could choose any song and I wouldn’t be able to get even in the vicinity of both their versions.

“Choose whatever,” I surrendered to my fate and regretted it instantly when I saw it was Madonna’s ‘Like A Prayer’ on-screen now.

I fought myself through the lyrics of the song, feeling stupid all the time. I even missed the timing a few times by just being distracted in general.

“That was really good,” Eleonora smiled at me, but it could barely be more than a polite lie. I smiled anyway.

Carlisle as well as Carmen and Eleazar passed on a song of their own, so the rest of us moved through a few more songs. I mostly listened and tried not to laugh when Garrett rasped through another rock song. Most of the time a feeling of aw filled me, especially impressed when Edward joined Eleonora for a duet and immediately forced by them to do the same with her again. It was fun, not as much as dancing had been, but a nice way to spend the evening, even if I felt inadequate for the first time in my vampire existence when I tried to keep up with her singing.

I wasn’t sure how late it was when Carmen suddenly turned to Edward. “You think, you can find something in Spanish?”

It was an innocent enough question and I didn’t mind her joining us at all. His choice in ‘Hijo de la luna’ might have been a little depressing, but in the end, it was a very beautiful song.

I watched Carmen – who I honestly considered as much as a sister as I did with Kate – singing for a moment, before turning back to Eleonora like I was already used to by now. It was like my whole world was revolving around her and I didn’t mind at all. This evening had taught me a lot in this regard and I felt like I could just be myself around her – with the few exceptions of my vampirism of course. I didn’t feel the need to validate myself through the appreciation of my conquests when she was close. To my own surprise, I truly enjoyed that.

But when I looked at her now, I nearly panicked. Her face was closed off and I saw her gulp heavily, stiff, and nearly afraid looking.

I didn't know what just happened and nobody except me even noticed the change. I couldn’t understand her feelings. She was desperately clinging to her facade, keeping her feelings locked up inside her, but her control ready to tear at any moment.

My throat felt tight, but before I could even say or do anything to make her feel better, a tear slipped from her eyes, and a strangled sob pulled from her mouth. I was frozen in place by her sudden unexplainable pain.

I knew that everybody else had noticed the change as well now, the music sounding dull in the background when a shocked Carmen stopped instantly.

“I’m sorry,” Eleonora hiccuped. “I didn’t want to…” She rubbed her arm over her face, the tears spilling uncontrolled down her cheeks. “It’s nothing.” But it only got worse and even Edward looked unexpectedly confused by the sudden changed when I looked at him in search of help.

It was Chrissie who moved instead, being at her friend’s side in a second, pulling her close to her chest in a tight hug.

“It’s just this song.” Another hiccup escaped Eleonora’s lips when she buried her face into Chrissie’s shoulder. Her whole body was shaking now, her breath sounding incredibly hard in what I assumed was her trying to hold back the tears for the first half of the song.

“Schhh,” Chrissie whispered calmly, rubbing Eleonora’s back carefully. “Alles ist gut. Atme ruhig ein und aus.” [Everything is alright. Just breathe.]

Carmen looked incredibly guilty even without knowing what was going on any more than I did. Edward’s face slowly showed dawning understanding.

Suddenly Eleonora was laughing, a sad and helpless sound since tears were still streaming down her face. “There was a cover version of this when we traveled to Spain all together the last time,” she tried to explain. I wasn’t sure who ‘we’ was in her story. “My aunt explained the story to me, and it made me incredibly sad. Helena would always make fun of me for that.” Her voice broke with the mention of the unfamiliar name.

“Das ist okay,” Chrissie whispered. “Du musst dich nicht schlecht fühlen, wenn dich die Erinnerung traurig macht.“ [It’s alright. You don’t have du feel bad if this memory makes you feel sad.]

Eleazar was with Carmen now, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, worriedly.

I felt like I was falling apart myself, unable to understand what was happening.

“Who’s Helena?” Carlisle carefully asked, his voice soft with compassion. He was half looking at Edward in search of his answer.

‘Her sister,’ his lips formed in response without any sound. And when no words came from both human girls he continued. ‘She died in a car accident.’

I felt the ground disappearing from beneath my feet when the horrible memory of Irina bursting into flames filled my mind. The pain clawing on my insides with enough force to cause physical pain.

“I’m sorry,” Eleonora said again towards Carmen now. “You sang beautifully.” It could have been sweet to see her thinking of Carmen’s feelings even before her own, but my inside felt so incredibly hollow now and the pain of seeing her still crying was trying to rip even more from my inside away.

We should probably have offered her a handkerchief, I thought, but I wasn’t even sure if we owned anything like that.

“I didn’t want to ruin the mood.” Eleonora was still trying to regain control over her body. I was barely able to blink enough to appear like more than a statue and I knew that a few feet away Kate was feeling the same, not even Garrett’s presence enough to comfort her now.

“Helena, my older sister,” she explained now. “She died in a car accident about a year ago and I still get really emotional about it sometimes.” She blinked when new tears tried to flow. “I didn’t want to upset any of you.”

Chrissie was still rubbing her friend’s shoulder soothingly, appearing nearly as helpless as I felt.

“Please don’t apologize for something like that,” Carlisle said softly. “Nobody here would ever blame you for grieving such a loss.” His words implied something more and Eleonora seemed to realize that too because her eyes met mine and with all the things I had shared with her this evening I had never felt this deep of a connection. And I knew that I wanted to share this with her.

“Kate and I lost our sister Irina a few years ago.” And even with about a thousand years more of a connection, we had shared with our sister I would never have dared to consider human pain in any way less intense than what the experience that Kate and I had shared when we had returned from the battlefield in pain.

Both Eleonora und Kate flinched at my words.

In a way, it wasn’t fair that I didn’t mention Carmen or Eleazar in this painful experience. They had been part of our family for a long time already and they had grieved Irina’s death as much as we had, but at this point, I all but wanted for Eleonora to realize that I knew what she felt right now: The never-ending pain of losing your sister.

For a moment we just looked at each other, wordlessly sharing a connection I hadn’t even considered could exist on this planet, even less in the soft face of a human girl I had met only a few weeks ago in an empty street.

I hadn’t realized how Chrissie stepped away from her friend, only barely noticed how Garrett had asked her if she would be interested in taking a look at the winter sports equipment he owned, Eleazar following them politely. Carmen had taken Kate upstairs where both would grieve the memory in their own silent way and Carlisle and Edward had slowly moved to some other place in the house, maybe calling their loved ones – the guilt on the latter’s face had been palpable for even putting on this song in the first place. I would need to tell him later that he was not at fault, but for now I just carefully moved my legs to sit on the soft carpet right in front of the fireplace, a cup of hot tea in my hands that I offered the human girl waiting there for me. She had been shivering when the tears had finally stopped and the warmth of the fire was only slowly warming her up again.

“Careful,” I said, my voice barely audible. She took the cup in her hands, unbothered by its heat, and just stared at the fluid for a moment. I sat silently with her in the dark, our faces only illuminated by the flickering flames now.

“How did she die?” Eleonora asked after a long moment, slowly looking up, her eyes searching for permission to even ask this question.

I forced myself to answer with something as close to the truth as possible. “She was killed,” I slowly pressed out between unmoving lips, trying to keep my fury in check. “She made a very bad decision after her boyfriend was taken away from her.” I considered my next words for a moment. “He had a relapse you could say but Irina searched for somebody to blame for it desperately.”

And if I had just listened to her better… If I hadn’t forced her to go and make peace that day… If I had gone with her… “She turned towards the wrong people and they killed her in cold blood.” My teeth were gritted, and I couldn’t keep my desire for revenge out of my voice completely even in this alienated version of events. I could only imagine the tale of drugs and drug dealers that my story created in her mind. It could have been funny if it hadn’t still been this painful to even remember Irina’s expression, mouthing an apology towards us as much as towards our extended family who she had willingly surrendered into annihilation in her search of compensation for Laurent’s death.

“I’m so sorry,” Eleonora whispered, and she stretched out her fingers towards my face. I desperately wanted to lean my face against the soft heat and let her comfort me, but I slowly leaned away instead. I hated the empty sting in my chest, but I knew this could never be the moment to explain my ice-cold skin to her.

She looked a little bit disappointed but pulled back her hand without any hesitation, closing the fingers around the cup in her other hand.

“Your sister died in a car accident?” I asked after a moment of silence. I wanted to know the truth as much as she had before, even if my truth had been only an unclear picture of what had truly happened.

She nodded slowly, but no new tears came this time, her eyes already puffy from all the crying. I assumed it hurt and wished desperately for a way to ease her pain. “There isn’t much to tell really. She was dead before the police even arrived at the scene of the accident. The doctors said she hadn’t felt any pain, her neck snapped on impact, I think.” Her voice was barely audible, the words breaking and raising in strange places when the pain was ripping on the empty spot inside her, I imagined.

For a moment it appeared that she would stop with that, her eyes locked onto the cup in her hand again. “It was a month after I left for Canada,” she whispered and the feeling I heard in her voice was very familiar to what was raging on inside me: Guilt. “I didn’t attend her funeral.” And now the tears returned. “I should have flown back. I should have been there to help with everything.” I pulled a blanket from the sofa, draping it over her shoulders carefully when the shaking returned. “But I just couldn’t. If I would have gone there… seen the empty house… the grave, the pain in my mother’s eyes, the empty eyes of my brother… then it would have been real. And I just couldn’t deal with that.” The words were flowing as easily as her tears now. “I wasn’t good back then.” I knew that this meant even before the accident, a statement of her general mental health when coming to America for the first time. “My father had died shortly after I returned from Japan and I was barely holding myself together after that for my final exams.” I was surprised when she returned to a so much earlier point with her story now, but I listened quietly. My hand stayed on her shoulder, moving in nearly non-existent circles there. “I was getting better and I fought so hard for the chance of coming to Canada. If I had fallen back into the same depression, I… I don’t think I would have been able to get back onto my feet again.”

She turned to look over her shoulder and into my face, her eyes so full of pain that I knew would never really disappear – the memory of my mother still haunted me to this day, far more distant than Irina’s loss but never becoming any easier to bear.

“She kind of raised me”, Eleonora continued. “I mean, my parents separated when I was ten and Helena was already eighteen then. My mother worked to provide for my family for as long as I can remember and whenever she was gone my sister would cook and put me to bed and all that. She was my best friend as much as she was my sister.”

For a moment I saw myself in her story, not in her place but her sister’s, teaching my sisters in the new ways of our eternal existence, easily falling into the place as a second in command to my mother. Her children becoming my sisters and my best friends withing only a few decades of time.

“Helena always had a closer relationship with my mother as well.” And now a different pain – a different kind of guilt – filled her. “I haven’t called my mother afterward. I should have been there for her. She lost a daughter as much as I lost a sister, but I just couldn’t… There were just no words for the pain I felt. I couldn’t have carried hers as well, not without breaking apart.”

And I knew that feeling all too well. “If I would have just went with Irina that day,” I expressed aloud now. “I could have stopped her. I could have made her listen.” But I knew the truth: If I had seen young Renesmee, barely a child, in the snow that day, I would have followed my sister to Italy. I would have given the testimony myself and ruined everything with my claims as much as she had done. I would not have given Carlisle or Edward or anybody the time to explain anything. And that was the worst part: I completely understood every step Irina had taken that had let to her demise. Nothing I could have done would have changed anything and it might as well have been me on the side of the Volturi on that faithful day, lost somewhere between the guards and the witnesses, seeing my sisters side with the Cullens, my family, the place I should have belonged, lost forever.

This knowledge made the pain even worse because I couldn’t have changed anything, couldn’t have stopped the events from unfolding. It had never been my fault – as much as the accident of her sister had never been Eleonora’s – but the guilt just wouldn’t go away, tearing at the edges of the hole whenever a slow layer of scab appeared to make the hole just a tiny bit smaller.

“It’s not your fault,” Eleonora whispered, comforting me, even when her eyes were still swollen with her own tears.

I felt empty for not being able to answer in the same way, for my eyes being dry, even when the pain was ripping me apart on the inside. There was no way to ever let the pain out of my eternally frozen body and I wished there was a way to make her see, that I was the same on the inside, even if my outside betrayed myself.

I lifted a finger to her cheek then, catching a tear while barely touching her skin and just staring at the small drop of water for a moment.

“It’s okay if you can’t cry, you know?” Eleonora suddenly said and I looked at her surprised. “I will cry for you instead.”

Of course, she couldn’t know that I wasn’t physically able to produce any tears, but her words touched something inside me that I hadn’t known to exist. The emptiness filled with warmth, the hole not healing, but not empty anymore and I just stared at her. How was she the one taking away my pain when she was grieving as much as I was?

And suddenly she smiled, the tears still there, but her eyes filled with warmth.

“I like you,” she said without any built-up.

I felt like everything inside me was falling apart. Everything tried to find a new place inside me, the pain there but so much less pronounced now, not gone, never gone, but bearable for the first time in twenty years, just from three tiny words from a breakable human’s lips. And I just knew that I couldn’t ever be without her ever again.

“I mean, I don’t know if you even think of a woman like that,” she said, her eyes shy now. “And I’m probably far too ordinary and… this timing is the most terrible I could have ever thought of, but… I like you. And I really want to be with you.”

I tried to move my mouth, tried to find words to express what was happening in me, unable to comprehend how full I was suddenly with feeling and helpless in a situation I had been in so often and at the same time had never experienced before.

“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.” Her eyes fell, she pulled away. And it was physically painful.

I knew it was a terrible idea. I knew I could kill her with just one wrong move, but I needed to make her see, needed to show her how I felt, and I needed to do it now.

So, I did it in the only way I had ever expressed myself easily.

I kissed her.

It wasn’t really a kiss, not in the way I was normally kissing at least. I held my breath in a vain attempt to control my instincts. My lips stayed closed. Honestly, it was barely more than a touch of our lips, ice-cold ones meeting the soft bow of hers, wet with wayward tears.

It felt better than any heated kiss I had ever shared before.

I pulled back as fast as I had leaned forward, closer to vampire than human speed.

My instincts were under control, even if the echo of her heartbeat hammered in my head loudly.

I stared at her for a moment.

“I… have never…” I stumbled over the words. “Not with a woman.” A searched for understanding in her eyes. “I don’t know what I am doing.” And I couldn’t think of any other moment in my life where this had been true. I was a good head of our family because I always knew my way around any situation, but right now I was at least as insecure as she was.

“You are so cold,” Eleonora whispered suddenly, and I realized that she had stretched out her fingers to my cheek once more.

‘I just want you to consider how much easier it can be for you than it was for me.’ Edward’s words echoed in my mind. I could tell her now, come clean about everything, let her know what she was getting herself into. Give her one last chance to choose another way.

“It’s cold,” I whispered instead, an incredibly stupid explanation.

She pulled the blanket from her shoulders, wrapping it around me instead, and then she pulled me against her chest, close to the fire, holding me against her heat in an impossible attempt to warm my body up.

My still heart ached from happiness.

Her fingers slowly brushed through my hair, carefully not to tug on any strands, barely even touching my scalp in the process.

“It’s okay if you don’t know what to do,” she said, continuing a conversation that I had nearly forgotten already. “We can find out together.”


	8. Mirror, Mirror on the... Ceiling?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can somebody tell me how I write 20 pages before even realizing that I passed the point of starting a new chapter roughly 10 pages ago?
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please enjoy :)

In the end, I had to move; her head lulling to the side behind me, her body slumping against the footstool she was leaning against. She was tired, barely awake anymore, but not once had she let go of my still ice-cold body and I had just listened to her heart while her lips had whispered low words of lullabies from her childhood to comfort herself as much as to comfort me.

I had lifted her then, not caring about the illusion anymore, and carried her up the stairs carefully, placing her on the soft sheets of my bed, the moonlight flickering through the headboard and creating complex patterns on her skin.

I sat next to her, watching when she rolled to the side, pulling the blanket around her body tightly, a peaceful expression on her face.

I didn’t know how things would progress from here, but I knew that wherever I went, she would be part of my life.

Maybe it was only a few minutes that passed, maybe the night had progressed far forward when I heard steps coming towards my door. Kate didn’t make a sound when she slowly opened the slightly ajar, leaning against the frame to look at me. Her expression was soft when she looked at me and with only a moment of hesitation, I pulled up the blanket around Eleonora again, before I joined her at the door, carefully closing it behind me.

I wrapped my arms around my sister in a close hug, just holding her. The pain had dulled in my chest for the first time in maybe forever but that didn’t mean that I didn’t grieve the loss any less. And Kate was sharing this pain with me in a different way Eleonora had.

We didn’t speak about it, just felt each other close for a long, long moment.

We moved downstairs still in silence. I collected the blanket I had left on the rug, folding it carefully.

“How are you?” Kate asked while collecting glasses and cups. This was not about Irina now, I knew, still, my answer related to it.

“Better than I have in years,” I said honestly and hoped she wouldn’t take this personal. The way Eleonora had healed the pain in my chest was different from how Kate would give me solace, but that didn’t make her way worth any less. My chest felt so much more open now and I just knew that I would be able to fill it with so many more emotions than ever before. I knew the feeling because it was what laying with men had made me feel before, but that had been a fleeting feeling, gone the next day or the day afterward. This felt so much more permanent and it had barely been a kiss that we had shared in the dark.

“I am so happy for you,” Kate said honestly, no hard feelings anywhere. She hesitated for a second. “I still want to apologize,” she continued. “I have been incredibly pushy and obnoxious lately.” She laughed a little. “I mean, I did it for you, but it wasn’t really the nicest way of doing things. I went over your head a lot, forcing you into situations you weren’t comfortable with and I am truly sorry about that.”

“I’m not.” I honestly didn’t. “I mean, sure, I would have liked to rip your head off quite a few times, but in the end, you made this possible.” I didn’t even know what exactly I meant with ‘this’ – maybe the feeling in my chest, maybe her being in my bed now – but I wasn’t mad at any of Kate’s – or Edward’s – meddling.

I sat on the footstool looking into the glowing ashes. “It’s still a long way,” I admitted. “She doesn’t know a thing about what we are.” I turned and looked at her. “And I don’t know anything about how this works.” This, relationships in general or between women or just letting a person this close towards the sensitive parts of myself.

“I’m just glad if you don’t want to kill her anymore,” Kate admitted. “You would have been unbearable for centuries if you did.”

I rolled my eyes. I had to be so careful with her, but I was sure I could deal with it now. At least if I didn’t smell her while hunting ever again. “I think I will go through a ridiculous number of animals in the next weeks.”

Laughter echoed from outside of the door then.

Garrett opened the door, covered in snow. Chrissie followed behind him, wearing her sky pants again, but visibly less wet. Even Eleazar had a small smile on his face, amused by something that had happened I assumed. I hadn’t thought about the fact that they had been gone for hours now.

“What did you do?” Kate asked, her eyebrows raised.

“Backcountry skiing,” Garrett laughed.

“It’s the middle of the night,” I reminded him pointedly. Not only was it incredibly dangerous with how dark the mountains could get at night, but she was a human and humans should sleep at night.

“It’s a full moon and we didn’t go far,” Eleazar promised calmly. His presence took away some of my worries. I truly didn’t want to be forced to explain to Eleonora in the morning that her friend had died in a terrible skiing accident – neither if that was the truth nor if it had been a different kind of accident.

Chrissie laughed. “I don’t think I have ever seen anybody crazier than him on a snowboard,” she claimed towards Garrett. I believed her in an instant.

Kate sighed, shaking her head but smiling at the same time. “One day his thoughtlessness will cost him his head,” she admonished him, and I knew there was a deep-rooted worry behind her words. The ardent speech in front of the Volturi wasn’t something she would ever forget, and they weren’t known for being forgiving, even if he had not truly broken any law. I tried not to think about it too much. I desperately wanted my revenge for my sister’s death as well as my mother’s, but I would never want to endanger anybody in the process of getting it.

Chrissie was suddenly looking at me though and I forgot about my detailed imagining of ripping Caius apart into a pile of gravel on the floor and setting it on fire. “How is she?” the human girl wanted to know.

“Sleeping upstairs. She was really tired.” And I was surprised that Christina was even standing upright now.

“I’m glad she found somebody to talk to,” Chrissie said softly. “With nine hours of time shift between here and Germany we didn’t talk to her as much as we wanted. And I was afraid she would be lonely and fall back into her depression without anybody at her side.” I could only assume that ‘we’ was a group of friends Eleonora had been part of in Germany.

The realization of how much trust Chrissie was putting in my ability to be _good_ for her friend was surprising and maybe a little scary. “I will do whatever I can to keep her safe,” I promised anyway. “But you must be tired. Let me show you to your room for the night.” I shot a quick glance in Eleazar’s direction who nodded in approval. I wasn’t sure where Carmen was right now, but I knew she would without any hesitation offer their room to Chrissie if I'd as much as asked.

Chrissie yawned in response, covering her mouth with her hand. I led her upstairs, carefully opening the door to Carmen and Eleazar’s room. She wasn’t there, but there were fresh sheets on the bed and another pair of Eleazar’s shirts was waiting for her to sleep in it. I felt a deep appreciation for my Spanish sister right now. “There is a bathroom right through that door,” I explained, not even checking if my words were true. “There’s a fresh toothbrush for you there as well.”

“Thank you,” Chrissie said politely, but she looked at me in a way that implied that there was something else she wanted to say. “I know she appears to be joyful and strong, but she honestly is very sensitive and insecure.” I knew we were talking about Eleonora now and I was grateful for any help with treating her the way she deserved. “Don’t hurt her, please.” She sounded intense now. “I don’t think she could take any more pain.”

“I won’t,” I promised, my throat suddenly dry. What else was there in Eleonora’s life that I hadn’t even started to learn that caused her friend to be this protective of her? What had caused her to feel a connection to a song like ‘Lithium’? Why did she feel insecure about things she had obviously perfected long ago?

But I couldn’t keep Chrissie awake any longer and I assumed she would probably refuse to tell me in the first place. “Sleep well,” I said when I reached the door and closed it quietly behind me.

They were all there again, sitting on the same sofas we had used for Karaoke a few hours ago, a lot more comfortable than when I had behaved like an idiot and went to Eleonora’s service for the first time. I knew that they were waiting for me though.

I slipped onto the sofa next to Kate and Garrett without any hesitation and turned to Carlisle first. “I didn’t find the time before, but I am truly sorry about biting off your fingers.”

This was news to both Carmen and Eleazar, but Carlisle waved away their concerns with a quick gesture. “Don’t worry about it.” He moved his hand as if to show that no harm had been done. I saw the small white lines even in the dark – nobody had bothered to switch on the lights – where my poison had left an eternal scar. “I shouldn’t have placed my hand there in the first place. Honestly, I should have known better.”

Truer words had never been spoken. How Carlisle could be nearly four centuries old and still miss the ability to truly fight – especially with Jasper teaching his family more than once in the process of Bella becoming part of their family – was a complete mystery to me. Maybe it was just his general good-heartedness that made it so hard for him.

“I’m still sorry. I wasn’t in control of myself, but you came to help, and this is the way I repay your kindness…”

“There is nothing to repay. We are friends, family even. There will never be a moment in my life where I would not drop everything and come to help you.”

I knew he didn’t intend it, but the words stung because I had once decided to refuse him the same kindness when he had asked for our help against the newborn army that Victoria led against his family.

“Thank you,” I expressed heartfeltly.

He smiled and nodded. “I just hope my words have been of any kind of help for you.”

I hesitated a little. While I had found a way to deal with the idea of being with a woman with surprising ease, I still hadn’t decided on my stand towards religion. Honestly, I had kind of forgotten about it after her implying that her faith might not be as deep-rooted as I had assumed. I hadn’t considered his words on my own religious upbringing and its implications.

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered honestly. “But you gave me a lot to consider.”

He nodded, satisfied even with how little I was able to give him as a sign of his success.

I turned to Edward and Carmen next. “Don’t feel bad about what happened today,” I said in a strong voice. “You are not Alice, Edward, and nobody expects you to be. You” I turned to Carmen quickly. “and neither you could not have known the effect this song would have.”

I could see Carmen’s face falling into an upset expression anyway. She didn’t want to cause anybody pain, especially not if this person was this important to somebody from her family.

Eleazar pulled her closer once more. I felt like my words had caused her even more pain. I wanted to express that it had honestly been good what had happened, but I wasn’t willing to talk about the quick kiss we had shared, afraid of losing it if I did.

Of course, Edward had just seen that thought in his mind clearly. At least his worries were quenched with this new information. And Carmen would hopefully soon follow his example.

I went through my mind then quickly if there were any more things that had to be said. I couldn’t think of much.

“Thank you, all of you,” I just said in the end. “For letting her come to our home, for taking care of her, when she was hurt, for just thinking of it in the first place, for taking care of her friend.” My eyes moved over all their faces, lingering first on Eleazar and Carmen, moving on to Carlisle, landing on Kate und Edward and ending on Garrett.

He grinned. “I really only did it for myself.” But we all knew that was a lie because nobody would put him- or herself in the painfully close exposure of a human if not truly necessary.

Nobody else said anything, but I could feel that they all enjoyed hearing this and seeing me back in my usual control, after all, I was the leader of this family not only by age but as much by skill.

“What will happen next?” Carmen asked in a soft, curious tone.

“I think, I will go to the zoo with her next week,” I answered, still a little skeptical about the whole idea. But I knew she had asked for a more general answer. I decided slowly on my words.

“I haven’t told her about what we are,” I said honestly, but added a “yet” with the same honesty. And as I was already in the mood of telling truths, I continued. “I think we are dating now.”

The noise that escaped Kate’s mouth in response sounded more like a teenager’s, a high, happy squeal. She pressed a hand over her mouth quickly, but the happiness radiating from her was nearly a little irritating.

I wasn’t sure when her priorities had changed from casual sex to permanent relationships and if it had been before or after meeting Garrett that she had started to apply these onto me too.

“Please continue?” she asked of me, still holding back a very happy smile with her hand in front of her face. I ignored her childish behavior.

“I’m not sure how things will continue from here.” I could see in Edward’s face that he wished for me to make a different choice than the one I was implying, but at least right now it felt like that wasn’t a possibility for me. “But I know that I want her to be in my life for as long as she wants the same.”

“I respect your choice,” Eleazar agreed after a short moment. “But I want you to consider the dangers you might put our family in if she finds out.” His words held no harm in any sense of the word. He honestly just wanted me to consider the perspective he was offering, as much as a former part of the Volturi guard as a part of our family.

The Volturi had been very considered about Bella finding out about the vampire world, but even than changing her hadn’t been a question of if but of when. Our families had trodden on their toes more than once since then. I knew his worries were more than reasonable.

“When she finds out” – and I didn’t even consider the possibility of ‘if’ – “before I had the opportunity to tell her, I won’t hesitate.” This was a promise to him as much as to me. “If she does never find out and decides to turn away from me, I will not force this onto her.” I didn’t like the idea and I saw in Edward’s eyes that he wasn’t sure if this path was truly possible for me to tread, but I wanted to do the right thing for once in my life.

Eleazar nodded, satisfied with my words.

“I would love to welcome her into our family as a sister,” Carmen said softly. “She appears to be such a kind person.” Eleazar smiled in agreement even after his prior concerns and I realized that with her soft personality she would easily fit in with them.

But Kate agreed easily too. “I like how positive she is about everything.” This was something she must have picked up in a prior conversation because I couldn’t make out a precise point that had shown this side of her personality.

“She seems nice enough,” Garrett added, and it was easy to hear that he would have preferred the more adventurous Christina. I knew it was not an honest concern though.

Carlisle and Edward respectfully kept silent, but in a way, I could see that Carlisle’s opinion on just wanting to see his children happy when it came to their partners applied to me as well. He was a very fatherly person, even if I was more than double his age and might even have a few years on him in human years too.

Edward smiled when he heard this thought but didn’t say anything out loud.

Considering Edward’s gift brought up something else in my mind though. I quickly turned towards Eleazar. “What you said before, about her being talented,” I reminded him but didn’t even need to finish with a question.

“You know that it is very imprecise with humans,” he reminded me. “It was just a quick feeling, nothing more.” He looked apologetically. “For a moment it reminded me of Jasper, but I could be completely wrong.” Even with vampires Eleazar often needed to see them use their abilities to truly understand what they were about; a flicker of an ability was more than he saw in most humans. “She might just be very charming and caught me off guard with it.”

I smiled at him, grateful for his explanation and somehow I nearly wished for her to not have an ability; not because I myself wasn’t gifted in that way, but because we had learned how far Aro was willing to go for a special gift like Alice’s.

There was a moment of silence again until Edward decided on something to say.

“It is not my place to say anything,” he respectfully began. “But I truly want you to be happy, Tanya–”

I groaned. “Don’t say it with this voice. I am getting all nostalgic.” The amusement was as thick in my voice as the irony.

He rolled his eyes. “I have meant it then and I do now.” I knew he did. “I took the hard way and the price to pay was high. I might never be able to repay it to my family.”

“Edward,” Carlisle disrupted his son, but he just shook his head.

“Please, let me continue, Carlisle.” He searched my eyes because I knew that family had included us this time. I waited, surprisingly calm even if the pain was still there in my chest.

“I know your theory is just that, a theory, but the way she looks at you – thinks about you – I am not even sure if she or Bella ever had a chance to decide differently.” His next words were a little careful, unsure if the topic was still a sore one, I assumed. “It might not be much different from what the Quileute call imprinting.”

Neither I nor Kate held any grudge against the werewolves – or more precisely shapeshifters – but I hesitated when applying the small things, I knew about their ways of bonding they had onto my ideas of the singers. Wasn’t their imprinting a way of keeping the bloodline strong? In whatever way should this apply to vampires – even with the newly discovered possibility of half-vampire-half-human-hybrids?

“Maybe I am wrong,” Edward considered. “Just trust me when I tell you: Don’t try to stay away from her, because it will only hurt both of you.” It was obvious that he spoke from experience and I wasn't sure that he had shared this part of their story with us. I did not press for more.

“Thank you,” I repeated, grateful for his concerns.

“I think we should leave tomorrow after all,” Carlisle broke the silence after a while. The unexpected circumstances had forced them to stay longer and I knew that Carlisle missed his family and wasn't used to stay away from his work like this. “We could take them with us to Anchorage on the way,” he suggested.

I ignored the small voice that wanted to suggest her staying here. It was impossible after all. Chrissie had to leave for Germany next Wednesday.

“That sounds like a good idea,” I said instead. Truly, there would have been nobody would have trusted with her more.

In the end, I looked up at my family once more. “I think I need to go hunting once more.” I could nearly feel how my eyes had turned charcoal black again over the last hours. “Would you like to join me?” I asked Carmen and Eleazar as much as Garrett. The latter refused and I could see in his eyes that he was intending to spend some time with Kate for the rest of the night. But my dark-haired sister and her husband joined me happily. I hadn’t spent much time with them lately with everything going on and I felt bad about that as soon as I realized.

I hoped that maybe this would help with Carmen’s guilty conscience about the song as well.

We returned home when the sky slowly turned golden above the peaks of the mountains. I had enjoyed the time spent with my brown-haired sister and her husband, even if we had only hunted for deer in the nearby forest. I hadn’t wanted to leave knowing that she was sleeping right there in my bed.

It was quiet in the house, the lights still switched off in the living room. We joined the rest of my family there but all of us took to our own quiet form of entertainment.

When the sun slowly filled the living room with warm light, Edward turned towards the kitchen once more, preparing breakfast this time.

I put away my phone when I heard movements upstairs, unsure which of them was the source of the noise. When I heard a groan, I was sure that this came from my room. I got up and moved up the stairs in the blink of an eye before I silently opened the door to my room.

Eleonora was still lying where I left her late last night, but she covered her face with her arm like she was in pain. I looked at her worriedly. Did something happen? Was she alright?

“Why would anybody have a mirror above their bed?” she groaned in a very pained voice.

I relaxed, laughing lowly, making her notice me there at the door.

“How?” she continued in the pained voice. “Can you maybe, just maybe, not look perfect at any time in time?” She kept her arm before her face as if to hide something. “Really, what are you doing here? Making porn? Why would you need a mirror over your guest bed?” She threw me a pained look over her arm. “Honestly, seeing my face first thing in the morning is not something I want to see at any point in my life.”

I had never enjoyed somebody telling me that I looked perfect more than from her lips ever before. And that truly meant something since I had lived on the compliments of my male conquests for centuries.

I did not correct her assumption about the guest room, indeed, the idea of us making our fortune with porn was quite funny.

I had to argue with her last words though because I would definitely want to see her face at any given morning on any given day of my life for the rest of my existence. I realized now that her hair was a mess on her head, and I assumed that this was what she was concerned about. Honestly? It looked adorable.

“I wouldn’t mind,” I expressed my thoughts with an honest smile.

“Did you sleep alright?” I asked while I watched her sit up now, still in Garrett’s shirt, wrinkled all over.

“Yes, thank you.” She tried to brush her hair with her fingers. I smiled gently.

“There’s a bathroom over there.” Where I stored all my stuff, but I honestly didn’t even care if she understood that I had let her sleep in my bed last night. “We washed your clothes yesterday.” Well, Carmen had apparently done so, because they were placed on a chair next to the door. I handed them to her in a neatly folded pile.

She thanked me again, moving into the bathroom quickly. I made the bed, painfully aware of her smell on the sheets now. I had changed into some of Kate’s clothes for today, not wanting to wake her up by coming in here; a knee-length woolen dress in old white over a pair of dark green tights.

I placed myself on the bet carefully, looking up to the mirror that had irritated her this much when she had woken up.

“Is this your room?” she asked when she slowly turned around the corner. She was wearing a pair of dark jeans now and a warm sweater that was not at all complimenting her body with its bulkiness; a green shawl wrapped around her neck was a lot better, the color matching her eyes as well as the frame of her glasses.

I smiled at her, a little apologetic. “It is,” I confirmed.

“Now I feel like a jerk,” she groaned. She was carrying the folded clothes she had borrowed yesterday in her arms like a protective shield.

“You might not have noticed yet, but I am a little superficial,” I told her ironically. “I like to look at myself.” At least I was able to get the idea of me being a porn star from her mind, even if my amount of sex partners might have rivaled one from time to time.

“You give yourself to little credit,” she said softly, lowering her eyes bashfully. It took me a moment to understand that she was referring to herself with these words. Honestly, the decision for her had not had anything to do with her appearance, but while she was not beautiful in any traditional sense, I would never even consider calling her ugly or even just plain. Her darkly framed green eyes with all the emotions alone that were shimmering in them all the time were enough to make her beautiful in her very own way, not to mention these cute little illusions of dimples under her full cheeks.

But I didn’t have time to express any of this. “Even you must have bed hair or something in the morning,” she said instead, eyeing me from head to toe. I didn’t, but I wouldn’t tell her that. Neither would I admit that I did not sleep at all. After all, the only thing that could be considered a flaw in any of hour faces would be the nearly purple circles under our eyes that never disappeared completely.

This time I decided not to answer on purpose but got up instead to take the men’s clothes from her hands.

“Wait!” she suddenly called. “Where did you spend the night?” I could hear her panic behind me, and I assumed she was worried about me sleeping on a couch.

“With my sister,” I answered easily. Her choice of words made this lie incredibly smooth. Because in every sense of the words, I _had_ spent the night with my sister, not the one she would think of now and not in her bed – the idea of sharing a bed with both she and Garrett honestly didn’t sound all too enjoyable, even if we had shared male company before once or twice over the centuries – or sleeping in any kind of way, but I had been with at least one sister all night. “Don’t worry about it,” I said quickly. “Nobody suffered any inconveniences.” She seemed like a person who would worry about such a thing.

“Are you hungry? We already ate, but Edward made breakfast,” I continued softly.

“How late is it?” she worried.

“Around nine,” I estimated. I rarely wore any wristwatches, because time was of no importance in my life most of the time.

I realized that she worried about the deep shadows under my eyes. I smiled at her kindness. “Your friend is still sleeping. I just came to bring your washed clothes and realized you were awake.” It was another easy lie, and I was grateful for Carmen’s thoughtfulness that made it possible.

“Thank you so much for letting us stay here tonight. And just helping us in the park in general.” She looked at me honestly. “It still seems like such a coincidence that you were there at the same time as us. The park is gigantic!”

I wouldn’t tell her, that her smell had pulled me towards her and away from where we wanted to be for our hunting trip. “Believe me, I was as surprised as you are.” And that wasn’t even a lie.

She looked at me once again from toes to head, analyzing something. “I honestly thought that your sister was just being polite when she said that you go hiking.”

I laughed. “It’s the shoes,” I grinned, thinking of the attic full of shoes just one story above our heads. She had no idea. “Why would we live in a national park if we did not enjoy nature?” I suggested the obvious.

We moved through the hall now, back towards the stairs.

Edward must have waited for our thoughts to appear because he left the kitchen and looked up the stairs with an imitation of surprise. “Good morning,” he said charmingly. “We already ate, but there’s a plate for you in the kitchen.”

His words appeared to be easily be discovered as what they truly were, but Eleonora didn’t seem to notice. She just looked away shyly from his radiant smile and thanked him.

I felt unreasonable jealousy rise in my chest again when I considered for the first time if her inclinations might not be only for women. Of course, I knew that after yesterday evening her interest in me had become quite clear – and thanks to the words I had eavesdropped on with Chrissie they were also quite serious – but somehow the idea of her being interested in men too, irritated me. Which was ridiculous since I had only been with men in all my life and had never even considered anything else. But maybe that was exactly the point: The concept of men and women together was burned into my mind as the more natural one and I hated the idea that there might be an opportunity that she would meet a man and prefer the more natural way of being together, resulting in me having to give her up after all.

Edward looked at me with open irritation and his eyes made his thoughts very clear: What the heck is wrong with you?

I frowned and followed Eleonora into the kitchen. It smelled like egg and cinnamon there and I would have been honestly curious about the amount of food in the house – had somebody actually bought food after we had called yesterday? – but my mind was spinning with self-destructive force in a downward movement.

It took me a moment before I realized that Eleonora had stopped in the middle of the room, chewing on her lip insecurely.

What was going on? I wanted to ask if anything was wrong with the food Edward had made, but she had decided on something to say and hurried to get the words out now.

“Could we talk about what happened yesterday? I honestly don’t think I can get any food down if we don’t.” Her cheeks were completely red again.

I looked at her, confused. “What exactly?”

She was kneading her hands now, looking a little desperate at my request that she had to say it aloud, I assumed. The way her teeth were pushing into her lip now, I was a little panicky that she might actually start bleeding. “The kiss?” she blurted and now even her forehead was glowing red. “I mean, that happened, right? I did not just dream that and … oh god, it didn’t, right? I made a complete fool out of myself right now.” She groaned, covering her face with her hands. “Just kill me now, please.”

I didn’t like her asking for that, even with as little true intend as she had. “It did happen,” I quickly calmed her nerves. Why was she so nervous about this? Her heart was mirroring a hummingbird now.

“Oh,” she said in a quiet voice, sounding honestly surprised. “Oh,” she repeated with a feeling I could only assume to be horror. “I see,” she said, pushing her fingers against each other in front of her mouth. “That’s… oh…” She fell onto a nearby chair, looking up at me now.

Honestly, I had not the slightest idea of how to deal with this. Why was she even upset? Hadn’t she liked it? After all, she had said she liked me first. Had I been too straightforward? Had she not wanted me to kiss her? For the first time in my existence, I considered the necessity of consent. Just the idea of me forcing something onto her – even if it hadn’t even been a kiss honestly – made me ashamed of myself.

“Normally I need alcohol to make myself do these kinds of stupid things,” she groaned. “Apparently, crying my eyes out has the same effect, good to know.”

I had to say something. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that.”

She blinked. “What?”

“I had considered your words to be as much consent as I needed, but I went too far, I am sorry.” These words felt incredibly foreign to me, but I felt even worse knowing that I had gone over boundaries that I hadn’t even considered before.

“No!” she said quickly, getting up again. “No, no, no, that’s not what I meant. It was consensual! I hadn’t considered it as a real possibility before, but I liked it!” My chest felt lighter instantly. “We don’t know each other. We talked like two times and chatted a little. I’m not that superficial normally.” I tried not to smile when she used the same word, I had applied to myself only a few minutes before.

“Let’s make some things clear, Eleonora,” I stopped her. “I know that I am beautiful, and I know that other people think that I am beautiful, and I enjoy it when people tell me that I’m beautiful.” I had no reason to hide that, even if my arrogance might not be my best character trait. “But you never made me feel like you would reduce me to that.” And honestly, that was a new experience for me. I was very much used to being liked because of my beauty. She had tried to talk to me as with any other person. I had even considered that she might actually be the one person that did not think that I was beautiful.

“You are beautiful,” Eleonora said. “Incredibly so. Honestly, I don’t think I have ever met a person more beautiful.”

I loved hearing these words from her mouth, but somehow, they had a bitter taste, her voice sounding like a goodbye more than a compliment.

“But I am not,” she confirmed my worries, averting her eyes toward the ground. “I am plain and insecure, and I forget how to form a coherent sentence when I look at you for too long.”

I laughed lowly. “Would you believe me if I told you that you have the same effect on me?”

She shook her head. I admired her honesty.

“You have a very pretty smile,” I told her. “And your eyes are so full of emotions. I feel like I could look at them for hours and never get bored.” I might not have made a more honest compliment ever before.

She blushed.

I smiled. I would miss this when she would become like us.

It was like Edward had said: Her becoming like me wasn’t a choice. It was only a question of when and I hadn’t even considered feeling bad about it.

But right now, she was still human. “Are you good enough to eat now?” I suggested. “Do you want some tea?”

I turned towards the cupboard and frowned at myself. I honestly had no idea where we stored tea. I decided to put on the electric kettle first and look for the tea afterward. Hopefully, she would be distracted enough with the food by then to not notice my absolute lack of knowledge about or own kitchen.

“Thank you,” she said, and I wasn’t completely sure if she meant the tea or the compliments before. I heard her taking a plate at least.

After the first few bites – I had found the tea in the cupboard above the sink by now – she took a hesitant breath. “So, since I did not imagine our kiss and you don’t think I’m a superficial jerk… where does that leave us?” She was using her fork to gesture while speaking.

I leaned against the sink now, thinking about her question for a moment. “As you don’t want to be superficial and decided that I am not either,” I stated with a grin. “I think the most reasonable thing to do would be to get to know each other better,” I suggested.

She smiled happily and I mimicked her expression, my heart warm and fuzzy inside my chest.

“A little birdie told me that the Alaska Zoo is very beautiful,” I reminded her of our latest plans. “They even have a snow leopard.” And I refused to consider how that might taste, not in the zoo but in the open wild. But even vampires had to adjust to modern times and endangered animals were off-limits even for us.

“As a date?” Eleonora asked, pulling me from my ironic thoughts.

I nodded. “As a date.”

A happy giggle bubbled up her throat and she took another bite of the scrambled egg on her plate with a little too much enthusiasm.

“As long as you are not worried to be seen with me in public.” I hated myself as soon as the words left my mouth. “I mean I am an unbaptized heathen,” I tried to turn it in a joke but failed miserably.

“You are baptized,” she reminded me, but I could see that she was just saying that to hide her actual thought process.

“Only on the paper,” I said anyway, and honestly, I wasn’t sure if that was even true. Eleazar did most of the paperwork for us. I had never questioned it before. “I haven’t entered a church in ages.” Nearly one millennium to be very precise.

“God doesn’t care for paperwork,” she said, watching the last piece of egg on her plate intensely. Then sighed. “I haven’t told my parish that I am lesbian if that is what you are getting at,” she admitted, looking at me again.

I felt a flash of relief because Edward and his more natural – even if impossible – alternative was gone with this confession. But I had obviously made her upset with my word if her frown told me anything.

“I hadn’t thought it would come up,” she explained. “But I guess they have their opinions already. After all, I never mentioned any boyfriend like ever.” She sighed. “Believe me, church elders are the worst when it comes to gossip.”

I didn’t enjoy seeing her this frustrated, because these two sides of her personality apparently did not go well together.

“It’s not like it concerns them in any way whom I like.”

I felt like the polite thing to do was to pull back the invitation to our zoo visit, but I just didn’t want to.

As if she knew my thoughts, Eleonora speared the last piece of egg with her work. “Whatever. If it bothers them it’s their problem, not mine. I won’t subject myself to their judgment,” she decided and chewed aggressively. “As long as it doesn’t bother you?” she asked after a short moment, worriedly.

She was as considerate as always, and I smiled softly. “I couldn’t care less.” Of course, I didn’t want to cause her any trouble, but I truly wasn’t the type to be a secret.

I watched her smilingly while she took another gulp of her tea.

“Soo…” she said after a moment. “We are dating now, right?” I wasn’t sure why she asked but nodded anyway. “Is it too early to ask for another kiss?”

There were probably rules about this kind of thing, but neither did I know them, nor did I feel any desire to oblige to them. Especially not with this soft blush on her cheeks. I pushed myself away from the sink instantly. “Definitely not.”

With the way she was still sitting, I had to bow down to her, and I took the precaution of not breathing again while doing this. I could feel my hair flowing down my face, caressing her cheek, when my lips touched hers once more. The kiss was as innocent as the first had been and I knew that she would not be able to miss how cold and hard my lips were. It did not seem to bother her, because – while I was hesitant to touch her with any other part of my body – she lifted her hand and buried it in my strawberry-tinted locks.

It was then that the door was opened behind us and I could feel Eleonora flinch away. I quickly moved back a step.

“Oh,” Chrissie’s voice announced that none of my family had been the reason for our disturbance.

I could smell how Eleonora’s cheeks were burning again and I cleared my throat. “Good morning,” I said towards our second human guest. “I hope you slept well.”

Her face lit up in an incredibly wide grin. “Not as good as other people, I think,” she laughed.

“Chrissie!” Eleonora made a strangled noise. I enjoyed Chrissie’s humor, even if the implication wasn’t true.

“Help yourself with some breakfast,” I told her and turned towards the door. “I will talk to Carlisle and Edward. They intended to drive home today and offered to drop you off in Anchorage.”

I left them then. It was obvious that Chrissie very much wanted to know _how_ we had spent the night and why we were kissing at the breakfast table.

Edward grinned knowingly at me. I tried to hide my happy smile.


	9. The Zoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of insecure about this chapter. I feel like too many things happen at once and at the same time, nothing really happens at all. I would be curious how you feel about it after reading it because I changed it about a million times before uploading it.

They left soon after and honestly, I already missed her presence in my life when the car disappeared in the distance.

Carlisle and Edward would leave the car – they had come on foot – in some rarely used side alley, where I could pick it up after my date with Eleonora on Thursday.

I was incredibly impatient, and the hours just wouldn’t pass until it was finally time for hunting again and picking out an outfit for what might be considered the first date of my life. I assumed I had been pretty annoying for everybody in the house for the last few days, but Kate was happy to help me with my outfit anyway. Kate decided green would be the color of choice, so I pulled out a pair of dark green leather pants. I chose a black lace tank top to wear underneath a black pullover with it; the V-neck was deep, but with a tight belt right under my breast it would count as a warm enough option to wear if I would be forced to take off my jacket. Especially after I added a light-colored fur coat that ended at my waist and a dark green scarf, loosely wrapped around my head like a hood and the black, laced over-knee boots.

“Perfect,” Kate decided when she looked me over at the door. Honestly, it probably wasn’t necessary to dress up for a date in the zoo, but I felt incredibly more confident going like this. And the idea of her eye color being mirrored in my choice of clothes made me all the more comfortable.

“Don’t ruin it while you run,” Kate told me, and I rolled my eyes at how patronizing she sounded.

“Don’t kill any of the zoo animals,” Garett added laughingly. I suppressed my desire to punch him in the face because I loved my sister after all.

“Thank you, Garrett,” I groaned. “See you all later.”

And then I was finally on my way to the city where we would meet in front of the zoo entrance.

I got a few envious stares when I slowed my step down as I entered the city lines. One man literally walked into a streetlight because he was so distracted by my appearance. I tried not to laugh.

Eleonora was already standing there, headphones in her ears, the black coat covering everything except a pair of warm fur boots and a scarf that ironically had the same color as mine.

A look on the clock above the zoo entrance confirmed that she must have been here quite early. I moved over to her easily on the five-centimeter wedge heels. A child stopped, staring up into my face, pulling on the arm of her mother; a group of teenagers gaped openly, but I only had eyes for Eleonora.

I moved into her field of vision gracefully and her eyes shot up from her phone when she realized. She looked like she had forgotten how I had looked in the last few days. I realized that she forgot to breathe for a long moment. Her hands got caught in the cables of the headphones – I was surprised she didn’t use wireless ones like the rest of the planet did – and she nearly ripped them from her ears, forgetting about the scarf she had put on after putting in the headphones.

I bit back a laugh. She hurriedly solved the knot she had just made, pushing the headphones into her pocket without much care. I waited until she finished.

“I’m looking for somebody to show me around all the beauties of this zoo. Would you know somebody like that?” I flirted easily.

“You are incredibly beautiful,” she breathed out, finally pulling in fresh air afterward. This time I laughed a little, enjoying the words with my whole existence.

“That’s not what you are supposed to say,” I smiled. “I appreciate it though.” I wanted to kiss her again, but I wasn’t sure if that was alright here in public, so I settled with straightening out her scarf. My hands were covered in black leather gloves once again. “Did you wait long?”

“No!” she said quickly, blushing a little, before admitting: “I was worried that I might slip or get lost or something like that, so I left a little early, but that’s my fault, so don’t worry.” She was blushing again.

“And I thought you were eager to see me,” I joked.

“I was,” she announced quickly, blushing even more furiously when she realized what she had said. “I mean…” She trailed off because apparently, she didn’t have any other explanation than the truth. I enjoyed it whole-heartedly.

“I couldn’t wait to see you again,” I said to calm her down.

She smiled charmed by my words.

“So, will you show me all the great things I have missed out on before?” I returned to my previous attempt at flirting with her.

“Sure, let’s go!”

We turned towards the entrance in surprising unison, but before we could really move towards the entrance, somebody stepped up to us.

“Excuse me,” a lanky, young woman in an enormous amount of cloth said. Her slim face nearly disappeared under a huge woolen scarf. Her blond hair was done in a French braid and on top of it sat a dark blue beret, looking a little comically stylish compared to how bulky all the jackets and gloves looked around her body at other places. She moved in a way that appeared to be insecure about the length of her own limbs while looking at us fairly apologetic. “I’m sorry. I know you are still on your leave and I really don’t want to disturb you.” Her eyes darted to me in a quick look with an impression of a smile on her face. She was really light-skinned.

“Abigail,” Eleonora greeted her with surprise in her voice, suddenly slightly nervous in her posture. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes, of course!” It was a comically exchange between them I decided. “I just wasn’t sure about tomorrow. At what time does the committee for the mid-summer dance meet? I wrote ten on my phone but in my calendar, it says eleven, and I can’t find the mail with the protocol anywhere.”

“Ten is correct. Rosa was worried about not making it home before her grandkids get back from school, so we moved it forward,” Eleonora answered, and I slowly realized that this was work-related for her. “Thank you so much for helping at all. I know you’re still very new to all this.”

“It will be great, I am sure. I like to be helpful.” I barely followed the insignificant exchange of pleasantries now. It felt invasive to listen.

“I’m so sorry to disturb you,” Abigail repeated once more. “On your free day and all.” She looked in my direction once more, but only quickly. – Had Eleonora been worried because of a member of her parish had seen us here together?

“Don’t worry about it, please,” Eleonora answered. “Have a nice day!”

“Yes, thank you.” Now it was Abigail’s turn in being nervous. “I kind of have a second date with Daniel now.” She grinned. I tried to not feel irritated by her continuing the conversation after it had already been ended by Eleonora. I had never realized how impatient I could be, but sharing the time that should have belonged to only me and her, I wanted the other girl to just disappear.

Eleonora didn’t seem bothered at all. Instead, she was suddenly invested again. “Really? That’s great! You were so insecure when meeting for the first time!”

“I know, but he is great, all polite and all. And he is so pretty! I think he is actually interested in me and not just in sleeping with me.” She took care to only whisper the last part. I grinned a little. Maybe not all my prejudices about religious people were wrong.

“I wish you all the best,” Eleonora answered with honesty in her voice and grabbed Abigail’s gloved hands with her own, pressing tightly. At the same moment, she shot me a quick look, followed by a shy turn-down of her eyes. I was curious about which part of Abigail’s words had made her think of me. I realized that I hadn’t even considered the last part of her words; an unfamiliar experience for me.

“You too,” Abigail said with not the slightest hint of judgment in her voice, pressed her hands against Eleonora’s in the same movement, and disappeared waving.

Eleonora looked at her for a moment – smiling when the lanky girl staggered a few feet away – before turning back to me.

“Sorry about that. When it comes to religion the world truly appears to be no bigger than a village.” She awkwardly stroked her hair, forgetting about the green woolen hat she was wearing.

“Don’t worry about it,” I dismissed her words. “Was she somebody you work with?”

We returned to walking towards the entrance.

“She was just voted into the church board this year,” she explained, and I was surprised to imagine this young woman, who couldn’t be older than Eleonora, to be part of the church elders.

“She is very different from Mrs. Nelson,” I said skeptically. Eleonora looked at me surprised like she hadn’t expected me to remember that name. I was probably not meant to remember it after only hearing it once, even or especially after my ‘interesting’ conversation with her in the church hall.

“I guess so,” she said, not mentioning her surprise. “Abigail is very young compared to all the other members, but she is really invested. I sometimes feel like she is doing more administrative tasks than I am, especially when it comes to the dance. I have no idea how she can work full-time as an insurance broker and still have this much time to spare.”

I wasn’t really interested in her friend, but something else had already caught my attention before. “A dance?”

Eleonora hesitated for a moment. “Yes. It’s… like a combination of the church’s anniversary and a celebration of summer, I think. It’s the last event before a two-week summer break.” She smiled up at me. “It’s tradition, but I don’t know much about it yet. I think it is meant to mirror a continental ballroom dance. Fancy dresses and suits and all that.” She stopped in the middle of her explanation to buy two entry tickets for us, smiling as she handed me a map of the zoo in the process.

I didn’t bother to look at it, expecting her to lead the way once we were inside. But for now, I was imagining the grand dances of my early years as a vegetarian vampire. It had been hard from time to time with all the human blood around me, but most of the time I had lost myself in a flourish of gowns and dances and music, not to mention the intrigues and the forbidden fruits of love they had included.

I had no illusions that a modern ballroom dance was more a mixture of dressing up and prom with barely enough dancing to be considered a true dance, but for a moment I got caught up in the idea of the scandal it would have caused if I had appeared at one of these events two or three hundred years ago, just to steal away the pastor’s daughter in a completely inappropriate fashion. Somehow I could perfectly imagine Eleonora in a light blue gown of muslin with a high-closed collar, tightly bound under her bust, but in a generally slimmer shape than what the fashion had judged appropriate only a few decades earlier. She would have worn her hair open, not braided into anything complicated, maybe a sun hat on her golden locks. I assumed she would have been raised in a fashion that led her to be modest and polite, shying away from any unwanted attention, but easily trusting another woman. I imagined taking her out for a walk, dancing in the shadow of a balcony to echoing music, stealing a kiss under the moonlight sky like I had let men do so often in my life.

I imagined sinking into the cool grass, slipping my fingers into her dress and over untouched skin, ruining her in a way that should make me feel bad, but claiming her body as mine for eternity.

It was less than a few seconds that my mind imagined things that would never be – and I knew that it was good that we were meeting now where she could openly say that she preferred the company of women and never be forced into an unhappy marriage as a ruined woman because of me – but I felt the strong desire to claim her in a similar fashion for just a blink of an eye.

“That sounds interesting. I can’t imagine how that will look like,” I said instead, not even giving her time to notice the short slip of my thoughts. “Will it be held in the church hall?” I suggested.

“I think so, yes.” And only then I realized that maybe I hadn’t covered my emotions as good as I had thought, because she looked at me, her pupils blown, apparently reading something in my eyes that I hadn’t hidden away well enough. She didn’t shy away from the idea though.

“Would you like to come?” She bit her lip as soon as the words left her lips, blushing feverishly and averting her eyes downward. “It might be really boring though, mostly the elderly parish members I assume.”

If my pupils hadn’t been blown before from my sheer imagination of claiming her as my own, I knew they would be now, because not for a single moment had she hesitated with her offer. She _wanted_ me there. And I assumed it would lead to troubles if she brought a female date, but I felt a possessive and happy noise somewhere in my throat, that I did not allow outside of my body.

“I’m not part of your parish,” I interjected, even if I really didn’t want to.

“You could come as my guest,” she answered without thinking. “I mean, I think half of the church board made it their goal to see you baptized anyway.” Her smile turned apologetically.

I realized I might have to get my hands on a faked certificate of baptism to get out of this again. I decided to be all grown up now and not listen to the love-crazy voice in my head. “I would love to join you, but I really don’t want to cause you any trouble at your workplace.”

Her eyes told me that she easily understood my implications. Her smile fell a little.

“We will see,” I tried to soften the blow.

She nodded, hiding disappointment by looking around. “Which way do you want to go? The polar bears or the otters and seals first?”

I envied how easily she could return to her happy, easy-going personality.

“Which way do you prefer? You’re my guide today, don’t forget that.” I mimicked her easy smile as best as I could.

She thought for a moment, asking for the map in my hand with a movement of her own. I gave it to her and intently followed her explanations. “Well, this way we see all the exciting animals first. The snow leopard is over there, and the tiger is up here.” I followed her finger, covered in a soft black glove, over the map, while she mentioned the obvious. “If we go the other way around, we start with the smaller animals and get to the special ones in the end.”

My eyes stopped at the word lynx, which was written right at the beginning of the second option. Eleazar’s words about my favorite animals echoed in my mind and I even remembered Garrett’s stupid comment this morning. I wasn’t thirsty, but why try my luck? And honestly, the petting zoo wasn’t high on my list of interests. “Let’s start with the leopard and the tiger,” I decided easily now, and she smiled, obviously excited.

Her enthusiasm was contagious, and I soon enjoyed myself quite a lot more than I would have expected. I was watching her more than the animals most of the time though.

She knew an unexpected amount about each of the animals we saw and while I honestly knew most of it, I listened to her fascinatedly. I only realized now how incredibly curious she was and how much her human brain was able to remember.

Whenever I thought I had discovered all her sides, she showed me a new one. The picture of the quiet church girl with strong believes in her religion and a beautiful voice and an even more beautiful smell had been superseded by a complex system of glimpses and I was still trying to fit them into a whole picture. She was incredibly open-minded and easy-going but shy at the same time. She was always happy but carried a deep sadness in her that I had only scratched on yet. She believed in the positive effects of her religion but was fighting with her own faith on a daily basis. She was sure of her sexuality but incredibly insecure about her feelings and commitment. She wanted to know as much as possible and enjoyed sharing her knowledge with others as much. And even with knowing all these things, there was still so much more to discover. I might never get bored with how complex her character was and honestly, I felt kind of shallow next to her.

Her eyes lit up in childlike excitement when we reached the huge area the snow leopard lived in. The area was covered in powdered snow, but my eyes discovered the animal quickly, even hidden by its fur. Eleonora took a longer time, but made a happy noise when she did, pointing her finger in the direction.

Maybe it was my arrival – or maybe just random timing – but the animal started moving over the snow in elegant movements.

“It’s so beautiful,” Eleonora breathed out.

I could only agree. Her eyes were sparkling now, even with the sun hidden behind thick clouds. She was incredibly beautiful in all her imperfection and I didn’t even realize how my fingers slipped into her hand, closing around them.

She looked at me surprised; then smiled softly. We just looked at each other for a moment, holding hands now, thick gloves protecting her from my cold skin.

She looked away shyly after a moment and lifted her second hand but hesitated before touching me. “Your coat looks really fluffy,” she suddenly said and reached out for the fur. I didn’t have it in me to tell her that it was real fur. She appeared to like animals too much to consider that a good thing. I had never really considered it before, but she awoke a lot of new thoughts in me, I realized.

Her fingers slipped deeper into the fur coat, enjoying the softness. “You remind me of a leopard sometimes,” she suddenly said. “Or any other wild cat.”

Once more I admired her perception. “How so?” I asked anyway.

She thought about it for a moment. “The way you move,” she decided then. “Elegant, but very deliberate, like every move is a conscious decision.”

As I didn’t need to move at all, every move was. Like me lifting my hand right now, letting my fingers ghost over her cheek in awe.

She shied away from my touch.

I didn’t like _that_ at all.

“But I never really know what you are thinking,” she said, maybe as an explanation for her behavior. “You look so sad sometimes. It breaks my heart.” Once again, she had noticed something I had tried not to show on my face. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it but realized something else in the process: she did so much of the talking in our conversations. I normally wasn’t the type to hold back this much. So why did I do it with her? Why did I not speak my mind like I normally would? Was I worried to scare her away with my words?

“I could never be sad when I’m with you,” I answered her previous question with what was on my mind right at that moment, gripping her hand a little tighter. She blushed adorably again. Her heart was fluttering in her chest like a caged bird. It seemed such a waste to stop it from beating any time soon. And I knew that she would see the same sadness in my eyes right now, even if my words had promised something else only seconds before. It wasn’t really a lie though. I did not feel sad when I was close to her, but I knew that the thoughts would bug me as soon as we were separated again because the future just wasn’t as easy as being with her in the present.

I realized Eleonora forgot to breathe once more, so I moved a little bit back to give her space. “I’m still trying to figure you out most of the time,” I tried to explain my behavior. And I did; I was trying to figure out how to make her like me without her giving up so much in the life she had.

She laughed. “We have that in common then.” She was probably talking about my character and nothing else, but her words stirred an unwelcome feeling inside my stomach anyway.

“I hope you won’t find anything that you don’t like,” I barely whispered.

We watched the leopard a little longer and Eleonora suddenly asked to take a picture of me with her phone.

When she showed me, I was honestly impressed by how much she could make out of the limited possibilities her smartphone offered. She had an incredibly good eye for proportion and balance. And once again, I was confused about how a single person – a human nonetheless – was able to be skilled in so many areas at the same time. It was the same with her character: a complex web of so many things that seemed to burst the boundaries of what was humanly possible.

“I will send them to you if you want,” she offered once she was satisfied with the pictures she had taken, but before she could put the phone back into her bag, I snatched it from her fingers.

“Let me take some pictures of you as well,” I decided.

She looked away with an insecure look. I snapped a picture at this moment with good measure.

“I really don’t think I could compete with you,” she argued, not even realizing I had already taken a picture in which her eyes looked up through dark lashes in a very pretty way. “You look like a model by just breathing.” She tried to get the phone from my hands. I easily kept her at a safe distance while still taking a few pictures occasionally.

“You really should think more highly of yourself,” I told her and showed her the first picture I had taken.

She blushed.

“Let’s take a picture together,” I decided, pulling her close and stretching my arm out in front of us. Really, I had never understood the concept of selfies before, but right now appeared to be a good moment to try and find out.

I actually had fun snapping the pictures of us together, even if she mostly covered her face either with her hands or in the fur of my coat.

I laughed and returned her phone. “Don’t delete them, okay?” I asked and used the smile that was normally reserved for throwing men off-balance to get what I wanted. It worked on her as well as on them, I realized satisfied when she nodded. Of course, she had been very shy while taking all these pictures, but she had never stopped laughing or appeared truly unhappy. I loved how childish I could be with her. She didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

We moved along the riverside a little longer and I decided to ask her insignificant questions like what her favorite movie was. She took a long time to answer this and I tried to help her by asking which movie she had watched the most times. She blushed all the way up to her ears before admitting to ‘The Princess Diaries’ and adding ‘Pride and Prejudice’ with Keira Knightly a moment later. I was a little surprised but fascinated at the same time when I discovered another character trait that I just hadn’t expected: she was a romantic.

She told me how she really enjoyed ‘The Lord of the Rings’ and ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ too and was more the type for TV series anyway, especially crime ones. But then she quickly threw the question back at me. Movies were still a fairly new concept in my world, but especially streaming had made it a popular pastime in our house.

“‘The Devil Wears Prada’,” was an easy answer because Meryl Streep had been awesome in her role as Miranda and fashion was just an interesting topic in general. Not to mention the Madonna songs that were included.

To lessen her shame about her first answer I added: “I think the movie Kate and I watched the most is ‘Ten Things I Hate About You’ though.” I laughed, thinking of Kate’s and my own relationship to this curious piece of teenage comedy. It was better than any Shakespearean version of ‘The Taming of the Shrew’ I had ever seen performed on a stage at least.

Eleonora blinked at me. “Really?” She sounded like she didn’t believe me.

“Character identification is the key,” I told her, and in a way that might actually be true, even if it was quite a long shot.

“Wait, are you Kat or Bianca?” she wanted to know with surprising movie knowledge. She couldn’t have been older than a few years when this movie had been new, right? But then I remembered her older sister and how it was common to share these kinds of things with elder siblings.

Honestly, I had never really thought about _who_ I identified with and if my sister truly fit in the other role. “I would love to say Kat, but I think Garrett is more of a Patrick than a Cameron.” And I was pretty superficial after all.

She giggled, probably imagining a younger version of me and my sister in High School. I shared her amusement with a grin, even if it was something that had never happened.

For a moment I heard a child cry in the distance, but it really didn’t matter, because this conversation was nothing like the uncomfortable ones we had shared before the whole hiking incident, and I loved every second of being with her. The fresh air made it easy for me as well and I could just be myself with her, at least in most ways.

“I thought you would say something like ‘Step Up’,” Eleonora mentioned. “Dance movies in general I mean.”

I hadn’t thought about that at all. “Most of the time the focus is too much on the drama and too little on the dancing in these movies,” I decided. Not that I hadn’t watched all of them anyway. “‘Black Swan’ was great though.”

“That’s pretty dark compared to something like ‘Step Up’,” she commented.

“Says the one who enjoys the movies about a cannibal,” I countered grinning.

“I actually like the TV series even more. Do you know it?”

I had to decline that. Honestly, I had never even heard of it.

“Mad Mikkelson plays Hannibal Lecter and he nails it,” she commented excitedly with an expressive movement of her hands at the last words. “It’s a little dark though. A lot of blood and gore and it’s psychological challenging to watch more than one episode at once.” She looked a little worried. _As if a few dead bodies and a man eating them for dinner could scare me_. “I sometimes had to stop just because of the psychological pressure it creates,” she admitted. “But in the end, I could eat while watching it.” She laughed, but her eyes told me that she wasn’t sure if that should be worrisome.

She didn’t have a weak stomach at least.

We had gotten close enough now for her to notice the crying child now. Her eyes immediately flickered towards the source. _Motherly instincts_ , I realized, watching the worry spread on her face. Another thing I hadn’t thought about yet.

She looked at me for a second. “I’ll be right back,” she promised, following the crying to a crossroad in front of us. I kept my distance.

A child was sitting on the ground, maybe five years old. His snowsuit was already starting to soak through.

“Hey there,” Eleonora said calmly and squatted down to be on his eye-level. “What’s wrong? Did you lose your mom?”

He sniffled loudly, nodding. “She was there and then she was suddenly gone, and I can’t find her anymore.” He was lisping, missing a tooth I assumed. Maybe he was older than five after all.

“I’ll help you find her,” she promised. “Let’s get you out of the snow first, alright?” She offered him a hand but was very careful not to touch him before he allowed it. Then she got up and pulled him up onto his feet in the same movement.

“I’ll brush off the snow, all right?” she continued to explain what she would do and clapped the back of his pants carefully, loosening the soft snow there, before it could melt completely.

“Can I pick you up?” she asked. He nodded after a moment of hesitation and she pulled him up. It looked like a hard task and I assumed he must be quite heavy for a human girl to lift at least. She made him sit on her hip and turned in my direction.

I did my best to not look panicked. Children were not something I was used to. I tried to avoid them most of the time for obvious reasons, and Renesmee had been quite the exception to this rule in the end.

“How does your mother look like?” Eleonora asked the boy, not noticing my panic at all. She gave me another apologetic smile.

“She has a black jacket and brown hair and a black hat.”

I held back a groan. Could he be any more specific? That would be like searching for a needle in a haystack. Eleonora looked a little discouraged too.

“Maybe we can split up to cover more ground?” Eleonora turned to me now. “A mother who lost her child should be easy to find.” She looked hopeful. I wouldn’t have been able to refuse her even if I wanted to. I nodded in defeat and tried to make peace with the thought of losing time with her.

It took me a moment to remember that I could shorten the whole process easily. I just had to not get distracted by Eleonora’s smell while trying to focus on his and his mother’s. For a moment I felt my teeth ache and my throat burn in thirst just by focusing on my sense of smell in the first place, but I refused to succumb to my instincts. And I quickly had his smell in my nose.

I nodded. “I’ll take the right,” I decided based on my instincts. This way Eleonora would walk right into the hurried steps of a panicked mother.

I didn’t even get the chance to take a few steps to the right when the gasping woman arrived on the crossroad. “Jack!” she called in relief, hurrying towards Eleonora, and picking up the now happy child.

“Don’t ever do that to me again!” The panicked mother scolded, hugging the squirming boy against her shoulder.

He fidgeted free from her hold after a moment, acting annoyed but obviously happy. He waved at Eleonora. “Thank you, Lady!” And then they were off without as much of as a 'thanks' from the mother, who eyed both Eleonora and me questioningly.

I watched Eleonora for a moment as her eyes followed mother and child, not bothered by the impoliteness of the whole exchange. She looked happy about returning the child to its mother instead. It made me feel hollow to see her like this.

She returned to my side then. “Sorry about that.” She blushed a little.

“You handled him greatly,” I complimented her, but my voice sounded flat. I couldn’t stop my mind from continuing with the nagging questions in my mind. “Do you want children?”

I could have punched myself in the face for asking this. It was uncalled for and far too personal to just ask it in the middle of a crossroad on a first date, especially without any context.

She looked surprised at my sudden question, but not angry or upset. Her eyes turned a little sad again, though she smiled. “I made peace with myself in that regard a long time ago.” She was still smiling, but the shadow of sadness stayed like fog over her green eyes. It was obvious that this was not a decision she had enjoyed making. She sighed. “It probably wouldn’t even be possible even if the whole ‘need a man’-business wouldn’t be a problem; some kind of hormone imbalance.”

I was surprised by her honesty and flatter by her trust at the same time. Still, the implicit answer was there, and I knew it would haunt me as soon as I left for Denali later.

“I just babysit for friends. Less pressure anyway and you can give them back when you are tired, or they get too annoying.” She laughed easily.

“How about you? Ever thought about it?” Eleonora returned to walking again. I followed slowly.

“No, never,” I answered honestly, even if the answer must sound harsh in her ears. I couldn’t remember my human life much, but I really couldn’t imagine myself popping out one child after the next. Sasha had taken the decision from me at one point and I had never regretted it. Sleeping with men had been so much easier without the worry of pregnancy or illnesses.

The terror of immortal children had just added to my opinion on the matter and it was a good thing considering it was impossible. But making her stay with me would make it impossible for her as well and the deep-rooted wish had been easily detectable in her words. Of course, I had promised Eleazar to act as soon as it became necessary and I truly had no reason to mistrust Edward’s words about me not being able to stay away from her and vice-versa, but the knowledge that I might cause her pain was like a fist to the stomach.

“How about your sister or cousin? You could become an aunt instead,” she continued her thoughts.

“Kate is not the type for tight strings,” I evaded. “And Carmen and Eleazar… I assume they would have children if it were possible.” They had nearly as much love to give as Esme and Carlisle had. “Carlisle and his wife adopted a whole bunch of children. They are all grown up now. Edward is his youngest.” – and oldest at the same time. – Of course, he was the father of a beautiful daughter on his own already, but I wouldn’t mention that. I was curious about what relationships they had created for their alibi in their new home. Was Renesmee Carlisle’s child too? A sister to Edward or maybe Bella? I should ask them when we saw each other the next time.

Eleonora followed my words in fascination. “I had already asked myself how somebody this young could have such a grown-up son.”

We fell into a moment of silence then and Eleonora watched the moose intently.

“They would be incredibly beautiful,” she suddenly mused absentmindedly after a moment. I wasn’t sure of whose children we were talking now, but even if I had been the object of her thoughts, I couldn’t really enjoy the compliment behind it. I truly wished I hadn’t asked in the first place.

Her mood shifted soon after and the shadow of sadness disappeared into thin air. “Let’s go look at the tiger next!” she said excitedly, pulling me after her with her fingers wrapped tightly around my hand. It was obvious that she was tense and hadn’t really forgotten about the topic, but she didn’t mention it again.

The tiger was as impressive as the snow leopard had been, mostly because of how honestly Eleonora enjoyed herself while watching it. I soon forgot about my faux-pas and so did she, judging by her posture.

“Did you know that a tiger’s stripes are unique? Just like our fingerprints.” Eleonora told me in honest fascination. “Zebra’s stripes are unique too in this regard.”

“I did not,” I told her, and I honestly had never thought about it before, but it didn’t seem all too surprising. After meeting her I was very sure that humans were unique too in far more regards than just their fingerprints. I couldn’t imagine anybody else being such a complex mixture of emotions and character traits as Eleonora.

“Their back legs are so strong that even if they die, they stay upright,” she told me next and honestly: How did she know these things? And remember them with the little potential human brains possessed for memorizing?

I looked at her curiously.

She looked away blushing. “I like to read articles online and somehow remember the weirdest things.” She laughed awkwardly. “Tell me if it gets annoying, then I’ll stop.”

“Don’t stop.” Even just the sheer pleasure she emitted when telling me these things was worth listening and maybe it could get useful one day – if I ever met a tiger in the wild.

She looked at me excitedly. “You can intimidate a tiger by looking them straight in the eye.”

I wouldn’t need that one. I had other ways to intimidate a tiger if I ever met one; or defend myself in a million other ways. “If I ever meet a tiger in the wilderness, I will try to remember it,” I joked anyway.

She laughed.

We soon moved on, passing by the Great Horned Owl that made Eleonora giggle because of some Japanese TV show she enjoyed watching, towards the foxes and wolves.

She eyed a food stand as we passed it, but quickly returned her eyes to me without saying anything.

“Don’t mind me if you are hungry,” I told her. It was easy to forget about her need for nutrition.

She looked at me once more. “Why do you do it?” she wanted to know suddenly.

I blinked confused. “Do what?”

“Fasting,” she answered, frowning. “I mean… you can’t weigh more than fifty kilos.” – I ignored the fact that she used the metric system because honestly it made a lot more sense than the customary units in the first place and I knew what she meant anyway. – She looked unhappy while speaking. I had never even considered how heavy I was or if my weight had changed after becoming a vampire because it wouldn’t change ever again.

I was pretty sure she was talking in a more general way about fasting anyway. She did not understand or at least disliked the concept of people trying to forcibly lose weight, I assumed.

Well, what should I tell her? It was not like I could gain weight or lose it for that matter.

“I mean… you look perfect, don’t misunderstand me… I just can’t imagine that you enjoy limiting yourself like that.” Her compliment once again made me feel better than any man had ever done before. At the same time, I fought back a smile, thinking about how I was truly limiting my food choices in a very different way than what she was talking about. My ‘vegetarianism’, after all, made it possible for me not to jump at her and kill her right here and now. I decided to answer her question in this regard.

“It is a choice I made a long time ago to be able to lead the way of life I wanted to.”

She cocked her head. “What do you mean?”

I hesitated. “I don’t think I could stand next to you like that if I didn’t.” Of course, this didn’t really make sense to her. “It’s a lifestyle choice. Either this or always on the road.”

“You mean you did it for work?” Not a surprising conclusion, even if completely wrong anyway.

I didn’t like to lie to her, but I nodded anyway, because telling her the truth in the middle of the zoo was out of question, even if my own words had let to this in the first place.

She seemed to think about my words for a moment. “I don’t really like how society puts so much pressure on people to fit into the perfect body type and all,” she explained. “It’s really unhealthy for children and many grownups, too, who still struggle with fitting into what TV shows and magazines depict as the ideal.” She sighed. “But as long as you are happy, I won’t say anything again.” She sounded a little resigned now.

I didn’t take it personally, even if she in some way was judging my body type with her words. It was not like I _could_ change anything about this.

“Would you feel better if I joined you for eating?” I offered anyway. I truly didn’t want to, but apparently being in love was leading to me losing brain cells. The worst part of eating was getting it out of my system afterward, but she wouldn’t see that – if she suspected me to be bulimic she might actually be upset with how strongly she felt about this kind of thing.

Had she struggled with this at some point? Was she uncomfortable with her own body shape? I could only guess, but I had asked more than enough uncomfortable questions for one day.

“No, don’t force yourself because of me,” Eleonora said softly. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Don’t worry about it. A lot of people would say my relationship with food is not normal.” Especially vampires. I nearly felt like laughing about my own joke but realized that she would feel uncomfortable if I did.

She looked a little sad again already.

“I’m fine,” I promised with a charming smile. Then I moved towards the little kiosk, waving at her to follow me. “So, what do you want to eat?”

She hesitated a little but bought herself some fries in the end. She was chewing on them while we continued walking.

“As what do you work?” she asked after a moment. I had hoped she would forget about this topic because it would only lead to more lies.

“Not as a porn actress,” I joked to buy myself some time. She nearly choked on her fry.

“Sorry,” I smiled apologetically and carefully patted her back a little.

“I feel terrible about that,” Eleonora groaned once she regained her breath.

“Honestly, I would probably do it if the payment was good enough.” I hesitated once the words had left my mouth. Panic rose inside my chest when I realized that as a religious person this might upset her. Were Christians even allowed to watch porn?

“As long as you do it out of free-will and everything is safe,” she answered after a moment of silence. How ridiculously open-minded could a person even be? We were having a date right now and she did not even flinch when I told her about considering porn as a worthwhile job option? “But the scripts are terrible most of the time,” she continued, deep in thought, staring at another fry.

I blinked. Did she just admit to watching porn?

She realized me staring. “Oh,” she whispered. “I always forget that these kinds of things are a bigger deal in America than in Germany.” She searched my eyes worriedly. “It’s not something you talk about, right?”

I was still mind blown by her answer. “I don’t mind,” I just said. “But I thought… aren’t there like commandments against these kinds of things?”

She sighed. “I guess you could read the bible like that,” she agreed, but the ‘but’ was apparent in her words. “But whom does it hurt? It’s a natural instinct after all. And it’s part of God’s creation that humans feel that way.” She was searching my eyes for signs of rejection once more. “If we don’t talk about it and criminalize it people will do it in secret instead and then actors won’t be protected by laws and people get ill or pregnant or get raped and that really does not benefit anybody.” Once again, I noticed how strong her opinions on these kinds of topics were, but she said them in such a calm and open way that I doubted that anybody could be offended by anything she said. I, at the very least, couldn’t be – and honestly, it made complete sense to me.

“You always catch me unprepared with how open-minded you are,” I admitted. I could hear her heart flutter in response.

“Comes with the circumstances, I assume,” she mumbled, and I guessed that she was talking about her sexuality. Being a lesbian was a problem for religious people in most American parishes as far as I knew and maybe in European ones as well. – I didn’t like to think about how hard things might have been for her because of this.

At the same time, I was pretty sure that she was this open-minded and heartfelt about everything and that it had nothing to do with her sexual orientation in the first place, but I might have been underestimating the influence, her sexuality might have had on her psychology while growing up. I really didn’t know much about her childhood. I would try to remember to ask at a later point.

She was chewing on the next fry now while watching two red foxes hunt each other through the snow.

“So not a porn actress,” she returned to the original topic. Why did she need to be this persistent?

“I don’t really work regularly,” I said, hoping for her open-mindedness in this regard too. She appeared to be somebody who felt it was important to work for the money you owned. Being rich by stock market speculation would not count as work, I assumed. And because I hated the idea of her judging me because of this, I lied. “It’s more freelancing than anything else. Model jobs, this kind of thing.”

“That’s impressive,” she answered, but averted her eyes onto her food again. Apparently, this had not really helped my case much at all.

I groaned on the inside and searched for a different topic. Once more she beat me to it.

“I honestly can’t judge people that enjoy looking at you.” … did she sound jealous right now?

I stared at her a little dumbfounded. She did not judge this because of ‘it not being real work’, but because she was jealous of people looking at me? That was very charming and probably very problematic. People looked at me all the time. They did right now.

“I’m sorry,” she said suddenly. “It’s very childish to behave like this. It’s an honest way of making money after all.”

I couldn’t stop me from just grabbing her chin and placing a fiery kiss on her lips, nearly pushing her into the next wall while doing so. Honestly, I had never even considered how incredibly hot it was if somebody wanted to have me to themselves instead of showing me off as a pretty accessory to their friends.

She gasped and I nearly lost myself for a moment when her smell attacked my senses. I pulled back as quickly as possible, oscillating between thirst, and burning desire for a moment.

She was glowing red and her breath was shaky. “That was not the reaction I expected.”

“Me neither,” I laughed when I regained control over my body enough to speak.

“With what did I deserve the pleasure?” she asked a little shyly, playing with the end of her scarf, but smiling happily.

“I just really enjoyed you being jealous,” I admitted. Her eyes widened and I could see that she would have preferred to deny it but realized that she was already found guilty.

“That’s kind of mean for to you say,” she muttered. I laughed.

“I don’t think I could do anything about people looking at me even if I wanted to.” Which I didn’t. And that might be a little bit sadistic of me, because right now I really wanted it to happen, just to see Eleonora become jealous a little more. Would she act on it? No, probably not. She did not appear to be a physical person, but maybe with words? Maybe she would just stare angrily. Somehow, I could see how she could make a person uncomfortable just by looking at them – her eyes were so expressive after all.

“You don’t have to,” she said without wavering. “It’s who you are, and I would not want you to change for me.”

Could she be any more perfect? How often had people tried to tell me how I should be? Or tried to explain to me how my behavior was inappropriate for a woman? Most of the time it had been human men who felt that way, wishing for me to change to be with them, I assumed, but even vampires felt the desire to judge me and my family. Not so much for our gender or our promiscuity but for the way of living we had chosen by abstaining from human blood. I hated every moment of it, but she just accepted it openly.

I felt like kissing her again, but I had tempted my thirst enough for the moment, and in a way she was a person of public interest and I did not want to ruin her reputation – even if I had once been famous to do exactly that by leading men away from their beds and into my arms as a demon of desire. Just kissing her right here next to the fox enclosure had been very inappropriate, especially when I considered the close proximity to the petting zoo and all the children inside it.

Luckily, I could not see any mother covering her child’s eyes in scandalized outrage.

“I learn a lot of new things about myself thanks to you,” I told her when we turned back onto the walkway that would lead us towards the porcupines next.

“Like what?” she wanted to know, and it was obvious that neither of us was thinking about facts about tigers right now.

“That I enjoy that you put a claim on me,” I said honestly.

Her eyes widened in shock. “I would never–!”

I stopped her quickly before she got the wrong impression of my words. “Not in a bad way.” It did sound a little bit like slavery in the way I had put it when I thought about it now. “You want me for yourself and I like that.” She still didn’t seem to consider my words as something good. “I am used to been shown off?” I suggested. “Not that they did not enjoy having me alone either but being with me gave them a feeling of superiority towards their friends.” I could clearly remember about a hundred times I had been used to impress others. I had never much bothered with it, but I had never even considered staying with any of them for more than one night after all. “You’re not like that,” I concluded. “And I like that.”

She was still lost in between understanding and shame for the implications of my words. “I’m sorry,” she said after a moment and I worried that my words had not really reached her at all. “I’m getting a little overboard with all this, right? Laying claims on you on our first date is really not an attractive trait,” she explained herself. I wasn’t sure if she actually worried about this or if she just felt that my words made her self-consciousness necessary.

I wanted to stop her and repeat my words once more, but she continued. “I just feel like I know you already.” She looked at me a little insecure and confused by her own feelings. “Like we met before or something.” I was pretty sure that this was part of the attraction between mates. _She did not have a choice_. Biology was telling her that she was perfect for me like her smell was telling me.

I tried to keep the frown off my face. That really wasn’t fair, was it? How could I even call this consensual if everything about me was intriguing for her?

Of course, I knew that Bella was more than happy with Edward and I had no reason to believe it would be any different for Eleonora in the end but was it honestly a choice for her? Or was I just being selfish if I allowed myself to abuse this situation just to not be alone anymore in a house with two mated pairs?

“I’m sure we haven’t!” Eleonora quickly said. I hadn’t kept my face empty enough, I realized. She was worried now.

I tried to fight down all my self-doubts.

“I like it.” I tried to focus again on our conversation.

She hesitated. “You’re weird,” she declared suddenly.

I blinked at her.

“I mean–” She looked at me with shock in her eyes.

I laughed. “That’s very accurate. Thanks.” I had never fit in any concept of normality and I honestly enjoyed bursting open the cages of social expectations at every corner. ‘Weird’ was a very fitting and strangely charming way to sum it up.

She still looked worried.

I decided now was as good a time to talk about her insecurities as any other.

“Why do you always look at me as if you were worried that I would run away at any moment?” I asked her.

She looked at me as if the answer were as clear as ice. “Because I am?” she suggested. “Honestly, I am not a very… sociable person.” I really couldn’t see that. She was really good with human interaction after all!

“I am awkward and always say the stupidest things.” She sighed. “I’m too loud and too direct and never know when to shut up.” She was really getting into it now and I didn’t stop her. I wanted to understand why she would think of herself like that, even if I hated how she belittled herself with every word.

She stayed quiet for a moment longer before she continued, apparently giving up on any self-control that was left. “And just to make sure I embarrass myself completely in front of you: I am ridiculously inexperienced. I had one relationship in my life when I was like seventeen and she was flirting with men to get free beers while I was standing next to her and never once admitted our relationship in front of anybody.” She was breathing hard when she finished, and I could see tears well up in her eyes. She blinked them away angrily. I felt bad for forcing her into these admissions.

“I have nothing to offer to you in any sense of the word. And instead of being realistic about anything, I think about ways to stay in Alaska longer just to be with you when we haven’t even finished our first date.” She looked so desperate now. It was heartbreaking.

I could see what she had meant by being too loud because she had become louder while working herself up into a cascade of admissions. And this kind of topic wasn’t really meant for public places. I was grateful that a group of children in the petting zoo had toned out most of her words for passersby. The paths weren’t that full on a Thursday in general. Still, I grabbed her hand to pull her behind a building with the letters ‘Discovery Center’ at the front.

“Breathe,” I ordered when we were hidden from other visitors’ glances. I lifted my hand to her cheek, caressing her skin softly. I hated the fabric that was separating us more with any second.

She looked away but didn’t pull her cheek from my fingers.

I wasn’t sure how to react to what she had admitted right before. I still wasn’t able to understand so many things about her character, but I remembered how easy it had been when we had shared an experience with how we both grieved for a lost sister, as unpleasant as it might have been.

“I never had a relationship in my life,” I told her, surprised by my honesty even after deciding on it only a brief second before.

She didn’t judge pornography, now I could only hope she wouldn’t mind my previous lifestyle either. “I never wanted to commit like that. I had one one-nightstand after the other, enjoying all the attention I could get, and being the first to leave afterward.” I didn’t like the panic that flickered through her beautiful eyes now but pushed down my nervousness with all the mental strength I could muster. “I never thought that the day would come where I wanted to change anything about that. But then I met you and I don’t think I could return to that way of living even if I wanted to.” It did sound incredibly cheesy, did it not?

As ridiculous as it was, I felt my fingers tremble when I pushed my thumb along the line of her bottom lip. “Just the idea of you leaving for Germany in fall is making me go crazy.” Not to mention that with summer coming closer every day, it would get harder to just see her whenever I wanted. The longer the days became the more the sun shined, and the fewer snow clouds blocked its way down to earth. At least as long as I hadn’t told her the truth, it would be impossible for us to meet in the sunlight. And as I had promised Eleazar, telling her would mean that I would change her, taking away from her everything that she was used to.

Eleonora’s heart was thumping in her chest again at my words, while mine felt as heavy as lead. For a moment, she just stared at me and I could only hope that the emotions that were mirrored in her eyes were positive ones and not an ultimate judgment that would make her slip through my fingers forever.

“I know it’s too fast,” I told her. “But I want to be with you, even if it is selfish.”

“How are you selfish if I want to ruin my life for you?” she asked, despair visible on her face. It was ironic that she considered her choices as the worst that could happen to her if I could make her feel the worst pain and stop her heart from beating with a single decision.

She had no idea how incredibly selfish I was when I had made the decision for her already. The only thing I could offer her now was that I would never allow her to regret staying with me.

She did not wait for my answer before she continued her explanation with sad eyes. “If I don’t go back in fall, I won’t finish my education and I already spent more than ten years of my life on getting there.” She had obviously thought about this quite a lot in the last few weeks. “But it’s not like I can just go back to Germany for my exams and return here afterward. It was hard enough to get a visa the first time.” I hated to see her struggle like this, because honestly if she truly wanted to stay with me, it would not come to any of this.

But was it fair to take the possibility of finishing her education from her? Obviously, she wouldn’t need it once she had become a vampire. Even if she wanted to continue this path, it would take ages for her to learn this amount of control like Carlisle once had. And it would mean that we would have to consider moving around instead of staying in one place forever. We had once chosen Denali as a residence because it was far enough from most people to ever get suspicious about the weirdly beautiful people who didn’t age. Times had changed a little since our first arrival but even with the state park nobody ever came close enough to notice. We just had to make sure to inherit our own house from time to time and buy some groceries to make sure we at least appeared human. But none of us had a job or regular human contacts like Carlisle’s family had.

Moreover, the summers up in the mountains were incredibly beautiful without the risk of ever been seen by human eyes. Not to mention the abundant animal population. I would never consider taking this from my family, but I knew that her happiness was at least as important to me as theirs.

I still remembered clearly when Kate had brought up the topic of the red-eyed nomad for the first time twenty years ago on a hunt on the Olympic peninsula. Garrett had already mentioned that he was curious in trying out our ways, but it was hard to tell if it was his adventurous heart that pulled him towards this new challenge or the idea of charming my sister – honestly, his stares had been close to unnerving at a few points of our stay.

As it had never been a moral decision for my sisters and me – as it had been for Carlisle and his family or even Eleazar and Carmen – it wasn’t an emotional obstacle that would have been the problem if the nomad wouldn’t have been able or willing to adapt to our ways, but one of Kate’s sense of belonging.

At that time, I hadn’t liked Kate’s implications of where her choices would fall, if she was forced to choose, at all, but now it was easy for me to see why staying with Garrett had taken priority even in front of her family. I would do the same for Eleonora if she ever asked. So, if she wanted to become a pastor at one point in her eternal life, I would leave my family behind if necessary, even if my role of head of the family and my sense of obligation would normally have forced me to stay.

I tried to return my thoughts to what she had actually said. A visa was obviously a problem for most humans, but as we had not once in our existence possessed any real documents, faking a visa seemed like an incredibly easy task. As she had a strong sense of morality, she would probably not enjoy this solution, but the idea of the legally correct way made me feel more than a little uncomfortable. Changing from being promiscuous to monogamous was one thing – and honestly seeing Kate and Garrett becoming closer every day might have prepared me for this change already – but considering marriage seemed far too foreign. The whole concept of marriage – not to mention the inequality of same-sex marriages compared to heterosexual ones in the US – was something so far out of my wheelhouse that I felt like drowning for a moment.

So, honestly, I was as helpless in this situation as she was. It was my turn to reassure her though.

“I’m not even sure if I could work in the US with my German degree,” Eleonora sighed before I could put my thoughts into words. “Germany has a weird concept when it comes to theology.” She was incredibly good at making this seem impossibly hard. Honestly, I wasn’t really sure how hard it truly was, but I couldn’t let her dig a deeper hole than she already had.

I took her face between my hands tightly now, forcing her to look at me. “Stop that,” I ordered her with a hard voice. “I don’t have a solution to this problem, but you don’t have to carry it alone, do you understand me?”

She blinked, surprised by my sudden bossiness maybe, but she stopped like I had asked her to.

To my surprise, her worries disappeared as suddenly as they had risen in her. She had a different concern now. “How can you be so invested in somebody like me? You could have everybody, so, why me?” She looked at me with desperation in her eyes, but there was so much love in them as well; it was nearly overwhelming.

“Because I don’t want anybody else.” Not anymore at least. “I want somebody who looks beyond a beautiful face and sees something more in me than I do.” Because, honestly, I wasn’t able to do that in nearly a millennium. I had only been able to define my own worthiness by my beauty and the praise of my conquests and I hadn’t even realized how problematic that was before meeting her.

The desperation stayed on her face, maybe the worry behind it got even deeper. “What if your opinion of me is too high?”

Honestly, her low self-esteem was infuriating. Who had made her believe that she was worth so little and why had nobody ever told her how wrong her self-image was?

“I try so hard to be a good person, but I’m failing more than achieving anything all the time.”

And what was she trying to achieve now? If not selling herself in a good way was her goal, then she was definitely successful. It was like she wanted me to let her go. And then I finally realized something: _Du weißt, dass ich jemand bin, der viel zu schnell viel zu tief in sowas drinsteckt._ [You know that I’m this kind of person that gets emotionally invested far too quickly.] I remembered the words I had eavesdropped on clearly. She was obviously trying to protect herself from getting hurt. Well, she wouldn’t get rid of me that easily.

“Why are you scared?” I just asked her calmly taking a step back to look at her.

She looked at me confused. “What?”

“You are trying to push me away.” It was not a question, but a clear statement. I didn’t need to ask, because it was obvious what she was trying to do.

Eleonora gulped at that. Her eyes flickered away from mine as if searching for a way to run away. It was easy to understand that she knew I was completely right with my assumption and failed in her attempt to escape my scrutinizing look.

“It’s just… I am used to people leaving me behind,” she whispered nearly inaudibly.

 _I was afraid she would be lonely and fall back into her depression without anybody at her side,_ Chrissie had told me and now I felt like I would finally find out more about the incredible sadness that I could sometimes see in her face. I just had to probe her carefully to get an explanation.

“Like your sister?” I offered quietly, hoping that this was not too aggressive and keeping my own feelings in check at the same time.

The sadness was there instantly and for a moment she reminded me of a kicked puppy, and I hated myself for hurting her like that. I wished to take my words back but knew it was too late.

“Yes, like that,” she whispered. To my surprise, she met my eyes again a moment later with unexpected confidence. “But not primarily.” Her voice was incredibly strong even while being incredibly hurt emotionally. It was stunning to see how these different things could be combined in a breakable human girl.

“My parents divorced when I was about nine. For German law, I was too young to even have a say in with whom I wanted to stay, but I wanted to be close to my siblings and that meant staying with my mother. But it also meant that my father moved two and a half hours away after being the one raising me while my mother was working to earn money.”

There was a huge amount of new information in her words for me to process. I hadn’t known about her parents divorcing, as she had only talked about her father’s death before. Neither had I considered that the reason for Eleonora not being close to her mother had been that she was the one making money. It seemed like a rare thing to hear about somebody who had been born in the nineties.

“I went into therapy after my father died,” she continued her explanation. “He was an alcoholic and, honestly, drank himself to death, but all my childhood memories of him were happy ones; him working in the garden with me or teaching me about which mushrooms to eat and what the difference between different trees is, these kinds of things. Nothing really fit together inside me, and I felt terribly empty.” Her eyes focused on something far away now. “In school, I was very unpopular. I got good grades too easily, was too eager to learn and earn my father’s approval. And I just grew up a little bit too fast to fit in.”

I wasn’t sure how her memories of school fit into this picture, but I listened quietly. It all seemed very trivial in one way, but I knew enough about psychology to understand how important these years were for a young woman growing up, even if I could barely remember any of my own childhood.

“I don’t think I ever regained my trust in other people after that. People I opened up to would betray my trust over and over again when I offered it up naively. I barely had any friends, and I didn’t fit in anywhere.” She was blinking away tears, but it was obvious that she was fighting to keep up a strong façade. I did not dare to offer her any physical comfort yet.

“Even my sister left in a way. She stayed in the same city and was always there if I called, but she moved out and left me alone with my mother and my mother’s new boyfriend.” I could watch my mind creating terrible pictures of her stepdad, moved by how terribly TV shows depicted these kinds of things that included stepparents and physical and mental abuse. She stopped my thoughts even without me mentioning them aloud. “He was nice enough, but he was taking away the little time my mother had for me and became a rival to my father who I still adored deeply, not even realizing his alcohol problem at that point.”

I slowly reached for her shoulder unable to stay away from her when she looked so desperate. She looked at me, blinking as if she had forgotten I was there but continued her words against all effort it took for her to say these things.

“I was maybe sixteen when my sister told me about how she experienced my father’s behavior as a child and why she was so distant from him all the time. It was like losing him all over again.” A tear escaped her eye now, leaving a wet trail on her cheek. “I guess I had already realized that things weren’t going as they should be before this, but it broke my heart when her stories and mine just wouldn’t add up.”

Strangely, I could relate to the feeling of betrayal she described now. When my mother had created an immortal child, she had kept that secret from us. This saved our lives in the end, but in this moment of realization, I had felt like I hadn’t known this woman at all that used to share everything with me from my creation onward until this moment right before her death. This had never erased all the happy memories with her and it had not made the grief any less terrible, but it had left a scar on my soul that I had never admitted out loud, not even in front of my sisters, scared that they wouldn’t understand.

“I followed my girlfriend into another city to study when I finished school, broke up with her, stopped studying math and computer science, and started all over again with theology, knowing barely anybody at all. It took months before I had anybody who I could call a friend, but even Chrissie wasn’t there at a few points of my life.” She looked nearly angry now which surprised me after seeing how easy both girls had interacted. “When she first got together with her boyfriend I was in Japan and when I came back, she wasn’t the same person anymore. Where I had moved on, growing with my new experiences, she regressed her own character to a point where her only way of dealing with other people was either expecting self-confirmation from them or hitting below the belt until the other person bowed to her will. My best friend for five years was suddenly gone and that right after my father and both my grandmothers had died.” Grieve and anger became a strange mix in her eyes that was painful to watch.

“We made up in the end after a few terrible fights that nearly cost us our friendship completely, but the scar was deep; she hadn’t been there when I had needed her and I don’t think my blind trust ever returned after that.”

She looked tired. “The therapy helped with my character growth, but it never erased any of the scars that were left. And then with my sister’s accident… I thought I had been successful in trusting again when I finished my studies, but losing Helena just ripped open all of the scares once more.” Eleonora was clutching her hand right over her chest now and I could nearly feel the big empty hole that she felt there mirrored in my own chest.

I pulled her into my arms now, unable to hold back even a second longer. “I will never leave you like that,” I promised with a wave of underlying anger that scared me a little. I wasn’t sure if she even noticed. Her tears were flowing freely now.

“How can you promise that?” She desperately grasped the fur of my jacket, holding onto it for dear life. “I can’t take another loss, not when I feel for somebody like this again after all these years of emptiness.” She was shaking even in how tight my arms were holding her. “If I let you close, I will get hurt again. I can’t put you in danger just because I don’t want to be alone anymore. People get hurt when they get close to me.”

I hadn’t realized that she felt like she was at fault for any of this before this, but I nearly laughed at how ridiculous it was that she worried about me, when she was so much more fragile.

“I wish it would just happen to me instead, not to everybody I love.” Her voice was shaking, but I grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me, the anger reaching the surface now.

“Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever wish to die.” I could nearly feel how rage tried to take over my body and my vision with an angry red when I thought about her wishing to die for whatever reason.

She looked scared when she met my eyes. I hated to be the one to create fear in her like this, but at the same time, I would have done it over and over again to keep her from harming herself.

“I don’t… I won’t do it. I love life far too much to ever let go.” But it was obvious that she had thought about it and my anger turned its direction now. I wanted to find and destroy everybody who had ever hurt her. They did not deserve to live.

“Don’t be angry,” she said softly, caressing my cheek now. It was so strange how easily she could switch from her own despair to taking care of me.

“I’m not,” I lied, pushing my head against her hand. “Not at you. I’m sorry.”

She searched my eyes for something. “I’m sorry for ruining the mood like this,” she said after a while. “That wasn’t much of a topic for a first date.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think any of this is how it is done normally.” Even without the vampire-human background, our relationship had taken the weirdest turns. Having our first kiss before our first date was definitely not considered proper at any time. “Honestly, I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

It didn’t seem like she believed my words much. “I am glad that you feel comfortable enough to share these things with me.” I placed a chaste kiss on lips, just to make clear that I truly felt this way.

“Are you cold?” she whispered shyly at me once our lips separated. Of course, she had noticed how cold my lips were. How would she not when hers were warm and soft and welcoming against mine?

“No,” I promised, taking a curl of her hair between my fingers. They were incredibly soft but very thin at the same time, very different from how my thick hair was curling over my shoulders. She seemed to take good care of it though because there was not a hint of split ends.

But while I was not freezing, it was easy to remember that she would feel the cold around us soon. Her cheeks were probably very clammy after all the tears she had shed. I tried to rub the dampness away with my gloved fingers, looking for signs of discomfort in her eyes.

“Do you want to finish the round, or would you prefer to leave now?” I asked, fine with either of these options. I didn’t want her to consider my inexperience in regards to the zoo an obligation. “I think I saw the most important things, so don’t worry about me.”

“We nearly saw everything already,” she answered. “Only the lynxes left.”

I wouldn’t tell her that I honestly knew how lynxes looked like and even how they tasted, but she seemed like she wanted to show them to me.

“Did you know the Canadian Lynx is a lot smaller than the European one?” She returned to her normal self with unexpected ease. “Because of the snow, I think. Their paws are a lot bigger too, to spread out their weight more evenly.”

There was a hopeful glint in her eyes, and I allowed her to make this transition even if I still felt like there were a lot of unanswered questions left. This did not seem like the moment to discuss them and I would take some time to think about what I had just learned about her. ‘ _I like how positive she is about everything,’_ Kate had said at one point and I wasn’t sure if this was true at all. Was it all just an act? Or did she truly keep up good spirits after being hurt so much in her life that she considered taking her life at – at least – one point.

“The European lynx went nearly extinct, didn’t it?” I offered her a way to continue and she began to tell me about a repopulation program that had taken place close to her hometown in Germany.

I walked her home, even if she repeatedly told me that it wasn’t necessary. She lived in a small flat in a big building which seemed terribly anonymous from the outside. I remembered that she liked to walk in the parks of the city and – while I had considered it strange with the weather as it was at first – I could understand why she would seek the open spaces when she was living this close to other people without even knowing anything about her neighbors at all.

She looked awkwardly between me and a window on the second floor which I assumed to belong to her room. It was easy to read her thoughts on her face now and it was nice of her to consider asking me inside, but I could already feel the thirst returning into my body, and being in an enclosed space with her would be a very bad idea.

I leaned closer to her, carefully placing a kiss on her soft cheek without breathing in her scent – the effect of being so close to her for two days before had obviously worn out very fast.

“Let’s meet again soon,” I whispered into her ear with the air left in my lungs; somehow I already missed her, especially when I could feel her cheek heat up right next to me now.

Her heart was beating happily in her chest once more and she made no more attempts to push me away again with words or acts.

“Soon,” she repeated hopefully, and I smiled at her, but slowly turned to leave, before it got too hard.

“I’ll write to you,” I promised, before waving at her and slowly walked away down the street, turning back at one point to see the door falling close behind her.


	10. Doubts

When I returned home, my family was waiting for me, even if most of them tried to appear like they weren’t. Carmen was standing in front of her easel, painting calmly; Eleazar was sitting in the armchair a few feet away from her, reading in a magazine. Kate and Garrett were cuddling in front of the TV once again, but whatever show they were watching was forgotten as soon as I opened the door. They had probably heard the noise of the car arriving, but they tried to look surprised when I opened the door anyway. It was honestly ridiculous, even with how boring immortal life could get.

Kate didn’t even wait for me to take off my cloak, before she was right in my face, grinning like an idiot. “Tell me everything.”

I rolled my eyes and pushed her away with a flat hand in her face. “Behave your age and I might tell you,” I answered annoyedly. And pointedly walked over to take a look at Carmen’s newest artwork. – By this point selling her paintings online had become quite lucrative and space-saving too. – I was used to her painting pictures from her homeland, especially in the winter months when the sun was only shining about five hours a day here in Alaska So, I was surprised when I saw the winter landscape that she had created with sure brushstrokes. The night sky glimmering above the snow-covered mountains with millions of stars was nearly putting nature to shame with its beauty.

“Not Spain?” I asked her, curious about what had led to her unexpected change in behavior. It was obvious that these were inspired by what was right in front of our door; the question concerned her reasons behind her shift in motifs.

Carmen hesitated for a moment, looking at Kate as if unsure if she should tell the truth. I frowned even before either of them said anything.

“She appeared to be more of a winter person to me,” Carmen answered my question, and it was obvious that ‘she’ referred to Eleonora.

“Why would you…?” I trailed off, confused by the sudden admission. Carmen was a very compassionate person, and it was not a rare thing for her to paint for others, but she was also very aware of personal boundaries. I was happy that they all were willing to accept my mate into our family, but Carmen would never go above my head or force my luck as Kate had done. She looked at me guiltily, very aware of her misstep.

“It’s very easy to find out a lot about a person on social media,” Kate commented as if this was an explanation as to why Carmen was behaving this strangely. I turned my irritation-infused look at her.

“Her birthday is next month,” Kate claimed the obvious. “End of April.”

“It seemed like a nice thing to do,” Carmen added hopefully. “The flats in the city are so empty and grey and the city lights make it impossible to see the night sky at all.”

I honestly couldn’t be angry after seeing the grey concrete building Eleonora called her home in Anchorage, even if only from the outside. My features softened. Carmen at least did not deserve any of my displeasure. I wasn’t sure about Kate yet.

“I am sure that she will love it,” I promised my dark-haired sister softly, before turning to Kate with one eyebrow raised in judgment.

“Why would you look for that?” I asked.

“I was curious,” she answered without any shame. “She’s still on Facebook; thought that was out since 2010 or something?” I had no idea and really didn’t want to know much about it either. Social media was not something I wanted to invest my time into. Not changing my appearance in a decade or more would only lead to worrisome questions if I was careless. And the Internet never forgot anything after all.

“She is pretty good with a camera,” Kate told me about her findings. “And cooking.” Nothing I didn’t know already. “And she once had this weird hobby where she sewed costumes and wore them for pictures.” That was news to me, and I raised an eyebrow. Kate grinned as if she had just won a fight.

“Want to see it?” she offered, lifting her new smartphone for me to see.

I did. And I hated myself for my weakness in this regard.

“But first you have to tell me about your date,” she grinned, making her phone disappear in her pocket in a fast movement.

I considered if I would be able to find whatever pictures of Eleonora Kate had discovered online on my own, but the answer was obvious, and Kate knew exactly who had better leverage here.

“It was good,” I suggested as an answer, shrugging my shoulders.

Kate groaned.

“What do you want to hear? We went to the zoo and saw animals in cages. Eleonora enjoyed herself a lot.”

“What did you talk about?” she tried to extract more answers from me.

“A lot of things,” I blocked her attempt. I didn’t want to tell her any of the topics we had shared, especially the ones that had been far too serious for a first date.

“Tanyaaa,” Kate nearly whined.

“Her favorite movies,” I yielded. “Why are you so interested in it anyway?” It wasn’t like Kate really needed to know any of this. I was the one going out with Eleonora after all. And Kate would have eternity to get to know her if she wanted to.

“When was the last time anybody of us dated, Tanya? I mean truly dated somebody for more than one night.” Obviously, Garrett and her relationship didn’t count in this regard. “It’s like watching a teenage romance in real life!”

I frowned. “It’s too dark for a teenage romance,” I whispered, barely audible. Of course, everybody heard me anyway. Carmen looked worried. Why could I never just keep my mouth shut?

“Forget about it, alright? She’s just not always as happy as she appears to be.” Did I want their help with this? I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t considered before if I would be able to handle her feelings on my own. I needed to think about it first, I decided. I could still ask for their help later; if I wanted to.

I felt frustrated now, even if this hadn’t been Kate’s intend in the first place. Sometimes it was like that. We might be sisters, but that didn’t mean that we liked each other all the time; often enough we weren’t on the same page about things. I imagined that was just how siblings were supposed to be in the end. When it really mattered, she had never disappointed me before.

Realizing her mistake, Kate was silent now. She wordlessly offered me her phone, but I didn’t feel like looking at the pictures anymore.

I looked at Carmen’s easel instead. “Her birthday is in April?” I decided to ask. I hadn’t known that, but now I had to consider this new knowledge. She had no family here and as far as I knew only contact with people from work. It seemed a sad thing if she had to celebrate her birthday alone. But did she want to celebrate her birthday with me? Or even at all? Would it be invasive if I offered her a way to spend it with my family instead? Especially if I shouldn’t even know about it? And if I offered her to come here: Would that be too dangerous?

“Just ask her,” Kate suggested casually. Sometimes she didn’t even need Edward’s ability to know what I was thinking about.

I frowned. “I can’t just randomly ask her when her birthday is.” And even if I did, she would most likely return the question towards me and I honestly had not the slightest idea when I was born – or changed for that matter.

“Then I will do it. Just give me her number.” Kate extended her hand in my direction, waiting for my phone instead.

“Never,” I refused immediately. “I don’t trust you,” I decided. There was no way that I would give her a chance to be any more invasive than she already was in my relationship with Eleonora.

Kate looked offended. “Then she will be all alone for her last birthday as a human.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

I hated the small voice in my mind that fought against the whole concept of changing her. It was ridiculous. I would not let her slip through my fingers! I would not make the same mistakes Edward had. I would be the one to make her happy, to erase all the thoughts that made her sad with happy memories. I just had to overcome all my doubts first.

I stared at my sister in a battle of dominance over this topic.

“Give me her number or write to her yourself,” Kate repeated her ultimatum.

“Why is this so important to you?” I asked once more, unable to understand what my sister was intending to do. Hadn’t she just recently apologized for messing around in my business so much?

“Because you are still doubting this!” Kate said suddenly angry. “I don’t understand why, but you want to find a reason to leave her behind! And I won’t let you do that!” I felt the air crackle around her shape in fury.

I refused to bow down to her, even when every single word hit right home.

And suddenly her eyes lit up in understanding. “You feel like you don’t deserve to be happy!” she accused me.

I felt my eyes widen instinctively. I had not even considered this, but the sheer idea made me freeze in shock.

“What?” Carmen asked panicked. “Why would you feel that way?” She worried about me instantly. I wasn’t even sure if I deserved her worry.

“Because she feels like she failed us,” Kate whispered in realization. “She was always more of a leader to our family than our mother was.” None of these words had ever crossed Kate’s lips – and I could only assume her mind – ever before. She was just realizing how true her assumptions were while she spoke them aloud. Every word felt like being dunked into ice water headfirst and my body just wouldn’t move to stop her.

“You feel like you should have known what Mother had done. You feel responsible for not knowing.” I could hear that she was becoming even angrier now. “If you would have known, we all would have died!”

I shuddered, but my lips moved against my better knowledge. “I would have died with her as I should have. I failed her.” And Kate at least would have lived, I was sure; Aro had been there after all.

Nobody moved around us, nobody even dared to breathe in the presence of my words. I had considered my mother’s betrayal a scar while talking with Eleonora, but now I realized that it was not Sasha not telling me about her plans that hurt me this badly; it was the fact that I hadn’t been able to stop her when I had been the closest thing to blood-related family she possessed.

“You couldn’t have stopped her!” Kate spat out in anger. “And neither could you have stopped Irina! They made their decisions out of free-will. You did not ever fail our family as a leader.”

My lips had formed a hard line. “Then I failed them as a daughter and as a sister instead.” I spat.

Kate just stared at me for a long moment.

“That’s ridiculous,” Garrett said instead.

I turned in his direction immediately, my eyes like daggers. “Shut up,” I growled. “You have no idea what you are talking about, so, don’t butt in!” I spat out the last three words in utter disgust. I instantly knew that this was impossibly rude and not fair at all, because Garrett was part of our family, even if only for two short decades, which seemed like a blink of an eye compared to the thousand years I had spent with my sisters. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be angry if Kate punched me in the face for my words, because for a nearly two-meter-tall man Garrett looked more like a kicked puppy for a moment.

“Tanya!” My whole family echoed my misstep to me.

“I’m sorry,” I answered bitterly. “I didn’t mean it.”

I searched Garrett’s eyes for a sign of forgiveness.

“Why do you feel so responsible?” he asked softly. He still looked hurt, but not angry. I did not deserve how understanding he was right now.

“Because…” I frowned, searching for an answer in my mind. When a picture of Irina barely a month after becoming a vampire appeared before my inner eye, I realized something. “I _raised_ her.” I had taught her the rules, showed her how to hunt and how to blend in when necessary. I may not have been the one that created her, but that had not meant anything in the end. She had been my ward and she had looked up to me in return. “She was my responsibility and I failed her.” My words sounded desperate now. “And when she needed my guidance, I dismissed her and sent her away into her demise. I could have ripped her apart myself and it wouldn’t have made a difference.” I saw that they wanted to interrupt my words – to tell me that I was wrong and that it was not my fault – but I didn’t let them. “I didn’t take her feelings for Laurent seriously, because she was so much like me and she just didn’t do serious relationships.”

She had been the first of us to break with something we had done for centuries and I had considered it a game… a phase maybe, but it had appeared impossible that he could have been her mate because in thousand years none of us had ever felt the desire to become monogamous. And Laurent had never done well with our lifestyle in the first place. It had been only a question of time for him to leave and when he did, I hadn’t acknowledged Irina’s worries. I had thought that his interest in the curious new ways of our diet had faded and that he had tried to let go of my sister as carefully as he could, disappearing into the night as quietly as he had once arrived, claiming peace under the banner of Carlisle’s name. The first time I had realized how much deeper their connection had been, was when I had seen the grieve on Irina’s face when the news of his death had reached us, delivered by the strange redhead that had once been part of Laurent’s life before he came to look for us.

The damage had been done at this point and I hadn’t been able to rebuild the relationship we had once shared. She had been drifting away from me from that day on and in the end, I had been the one that had forced her into the hands of the Volturi by sending her to make peace with the Cullens.

When the same had happened to Kate only a few years later in the hour of our near demise due to my first mistake with Irina, I had nearly panicked, scared to lose my next sister to the strange concept of mates that I had never liked in the first place. In a way, Garrett had once been my enemy as much as the Volturi that were planning on killing us all.

Of course, I had learned that it was nothing like that. And even if I still missed our escapades as sisters, I had never seen Kate happier than with Garrett by her side. I considered him as much a brother as I did with Eleazar. This made my behavior even more unacceptable of course.

“You just hadn’t met the right person yet,” Carmen whispered quietly. Eleazar was at her side now, wrapping an arm around his mate in his usual protective manner. I refused to acknowledge the implication of him considering me or my behavior a threat to her.

Her words just made it even more painful, because now I _knew,_ and even after realizing all the things I had done wrong when it came to Irina, I had not even come close to imagining the true dimensions of what finding a mate truly meant. And I felt terrible for ever doubting Laurent’s or Garrett’s true intentions. I should have known better. I had seen how Carmen and Eleazar moved like two parts of one entity, but I just hadn’t _understood_.

And in my role of coven leader, I should have.

“I should have helped her.” And I should have helped Carlisle’s family with the newborn army, but I had tried to make up my failure with Irina desperately by accepting her hatred of the shapeshifters as my obligation to her. In the end, I had failed even more family members in my weakness.

And I realized now: I was scared of failing Eleonora too. But she was so much more important than everybody else. And if I ever failed her, I would be destroyed forever, just like losing Laurent had destroyed Irina.

“I’m scared,” I whispered in realization of what truly made me freeze in place when thinking of making Eleonora part of this family.

I had not once in my life created a vampire myself. And now I was pulled apart between the part of myself that told me to make Eleonora like me, the part that had promised I would do it to Eleazar, the part that was strong enough to stand up for my family as I should be – and the part that was so incredibly scared to make another mistake as I had with Irina, that was afraid that Eleonora wouldn’t be able to forgive me if I changed her to be like me, and the part that in a corner of my mind whispered that I wouldn’t be able to stop once I tasted her blood.

And then there was even more fear. “I don’t know how to share my life like that.” Because even with my sisters as close as nobody else, we had been so different in so many ways, but Eleonora was so much like me – no, that wasn’t right: she was part of a me that was more than me, an entity that could be two and one at the same time. “When she is with me, I feel incredibly good, but as soon as she leaves, there are so many doubts in my mind.”

I realized suddenly that Garrett was standing next to Kate, not in the protective manner that I had seen so often with Eleazar and Carmen, but so close that there seemed to be no air left between them. I had never realized before, but it was not just my Spanish siblings that always shared this incredible closeness and synchroneity in their movement. It was so much more a general manifestation of true mates. Carlisle who always slipped his arm around his wife, Alice, and Jasper whose hands always touched in someplace or the other, Emmet who was behind Rosalie all the time to protect her like Eleazar, but never taking the place in front of her like my brother-in-law did.

I had once tried to charm Edward into my life as I had with Carlisle before him, but we had never been on the same wavelength. With all the things we had shared in one way or the other, we had never moved in a similar way. To be honest, it had been more of me moving right when he went left and me standing still when he was moving towards a future with a woman, he had not even considered meeting yet. Edward had realized this easily, but I had not understood how deep this synchronicity truly reached for true mates.

I tried to imagine Eleonora and me in this way, moving together, but I just couldn’t picture where my position would be in this. As the leader of our coven, I was forced to be strong, but she had taken care of me in so many ways already without even realizing it most of the time. I tried to remember what Edward had taught me about the dynamics of giving and taking, but vampires were so much more unchanging than humans. What if making her like me would force her into one of the many facets of her character? How many more aspects would be lost? And what would happen if our two ways did not fit into each other anymore once she was like me?

“Let’s make two things very clear, Tanya,” Kate said, ripping me from the chaos inside my mind. Her voice was soft but very intense at the same time, leaving no space for any form of uncertainty. “Firstly: You did not ever fail anyone in this family in your role as our leader; you were not only Irina’s teacher but mine as well and I could always trust you. And do you know why? Because you never made a decision on your own. You considered all our opinions before taking a step. That is what makes you a great leader, but it also means that – even if we follow your word in the end – you will never be singularly guilty. We make decisions as a family and we deal with the consequences as a family. You are not my coven leader. You are my sister. And you were Irina’s sister too. We are equal and we are independent. And Irina’s decision to go to Italy was hers alone. You couldn’t have stopped her, even if you had been with her.”

The intensity of the emotions mirrored in her words was leaving me shaking and breathless and when I turned to look at the rest of my family, I realized how perfectly Kate had put all their feelings into words.

“You have taken a great responsibility onto yourself as a leader,” Eleazar said when his eyes met mine. “But not once have you forced a decision onto any of us.” It was easy to see how different his time with the Volturi must have been, even if I had never thought about it before. “I wouldn’t have followed you this easily if it had been any different.” If he had spoken his words in any other tone, it could have been a threat, but the way he said it was such a deep-felt approval that I felt my chest tighten.

“You have a wonderful way of including everybody’s opinions into a decision,” Carmen added kindly from his side.

Even Garrett smiled at me and maybe his approval meant the most of them all: He was a freedom-loving revolutionist after all.

“And secondly,” Kate continued then. “You will learn how to be with her.” Her intonation had softened a little, still, she was absolutely sure of her words; they lacked the force of her first argument though. “Believe me, it feels like the most natural thing. Honestly, it’s easier than breathing in a way.” She looked at Garrett with a soft admiration that I rarely saw between them normally. They had a very … charged relationship most of the time.

“And you will always stay yourself,” she addressed my worries easily without me even voicing them aloud. “Nobody will ever change that. The whole idea of true mates is that you fit with each other perfectly.” Hearing her – of all people – say this helped, because like Irina she had been like me for the majority of our lives before meeting her mate. “It will change your habits, of course” – she stated the obvious – “but not who you are.”

I hadn’t met Eleazar and Carmen before they had mated and except for my sisters, Carlisle and Edward might have been the only vampires that I had known both before and after they had met their mates. Both of these had been so sure about who they were that I had never even considered that they would have changed when meeting their mates, but when I looked at Kate now, I still saw the same woman that had once awoken from three days of unbelievable pain to become the closest family I had ever had. Of course, she had to get her thirst under control first, but she had been very passionate from the first day on; determined and a little sadistic even if she denied that strenuously. Meeting Garrett had not changed a single thing about who she was, sharing his adventurous side while putting him in his place when he overstepped her boundaries with his provocations.

But how could it be like that for me when most of the time I wasn’t even sure who I truly was anymore?

Kate watched me closely and apparently saw something in my face, even if I wasn’t sure what it was. “Why are you still so insecure?”

“She’s just so… fragile,” I tried to express my worries. “Not physically.” I frowned. “I mean, of course, she is fragile in that way too, but emotionally.” It felt impossible to express the pain I had felt when Eleonora had shown me a reflection of what was going on inside her, but my words just failed me. “What if I hurt her?”

Carmen softly touched my shoulder now. “How could you ever hurt her?”

And in a way, I knew she was right because just the idea of hurting her was ripping me apart on the inside, but there was so much pain inside this fragile human girl. And I was so afraid that at one point I would just speak my mind like I was used to and trigger something I hadn’t even known would hurt her. I would never forgive myself if I did that. So, I shook my head, pulling my arm away from where Carmen had touched me. “You don’t understand. She was hurt so badly, over and over, and over again. I can’t even imagine how all these emotions, all this pain, fits into one person.” I truly couldn’t. Even with how incredibly hurt I felt when I just thought about my mother’s and my sister’s death, I could not comprehend how she was still smiling so much when her whole life seemed like one painful memory after the other. Just imagining it made me feel like I would explode, and I wanted to hurt everybody who had hurt her like this, just to get a little bit of the pain out of my system. But she did not do that at all. Instead, she just saw the best in every person and put their needs in front of her own in ridiculous altruism.

“And instead of being angry or searching for somebody to blame…” My words tried to fail me again and I searched in my sibling’s faces for an understanding of the emotions that my eyes must mirror. “… she worries about me getting hurt.” It seemed so ridiculous to even think about it because if I ever was the reason for her hurting, didn’t I deserve all the pain coming at me in return? “She tries to take all the guilt onto herself so that nobody else has to carry it.”

I wasn’t prepared for what Kate’s face showed as an answer to my words: Utter disbelieve.

I frowned and felt anger well up in me for her doubting my words.

“You do realize what you just said, right?” Kate said flatly, even laughing at me.

I blinked confused and angrily.

She groaned. “Have you even listened to what we have talked about for the last – I don’t know – thirty minutes?” She looked around the room, searching for somebody to support her opinion, I assumed. I felt like hitting everybody in the face who would dare to do so.

She ended with an exasperated gesture that looked like she was throwing something away over her shoulders, another frustrated noise leaving her throat. “I don’t think I can take two people who behave this ridiculously!”

I honestly did not understand her sudden frustration at all.

“Just go ahead, it appears you both deserve each other; pushing around guilt between each other like idiots!”

Only slowly realization dawned on me. I had tried to take all responsibility for the pain my family had to endure over the years onto my shoulders as a coven leader. Eleonora refused to let go of her guilt in the same way. That out of all the things we could have shared this appeared to be the most common trait, seemed ridiculous, and maybe even a little destructive.

Carmen looked at me worriedly. Maybe she was concerned about the anger that had flared up in me at some point, maybe seeing the same destructiveness in our pairing that I had just realized. “Maybe you can overcome this together?” she offered softly.

Strangely – I had been so worried about losing elemental character traits in the process of finding my mate after all – this seemed like a true improvement. If not for me, then at least for Eleonora, because somewhere under all this pain and guilt I could only imagine how she would look when she was truly happy.

“Honestly,” Kate huffed. “Couldn’t you have found somebody who shares your love for dancing instead of your self-destructiveness?” She was shaking her head, but there was a soft appreciation in her words at the same time. “Or our love for shoes?” she offered.

“I don’t think she could even stand on high heels,” I answered with laughter in my voice. “She tripped three times over her own feet today and slipped on ice-covered puddles about seven more times.” The memory of how often I had to catch her before she could get hurt was truly absurd. “And one time she lost balance while standing straight.” I had no idea how. She had just suddenly stumbled sideways while watching the porcupines, nearly crashing into me.

Realistically, her sense of balance would improve greatly once she was a vampire, but she just didn’t seem like a shoe person to me, sadly.

“Her loss,” Kate shrugged. We both laughed.

Once more, we had easily progressed from a serious topic to a lighter one within a few seconds. This was irritating for most people as far as I knew, but it was how Kate’s and my relationship worked best. That did not mean that all the topics of our prior discussion had just vanished, but we had reached a point where I would need some time to consider their words before any more discussions on this topic would make sense.

I could see irritation on Garrett’s face for a moment, but he easily followed our example when Eleazar and Carmen – already used to our ways – returned their attention to her painting and his magazine without another word.

Kate showed me the pictures of Eleonora on her phone then. It was fascinating to see, how half of the costumes she had created – one more foreign to me than the last – had represented male characters, while the other were excessively female. She appeared to easily switch between both genders. One picture showed her in a tight tank top with heavy weaponry over broad shoulders, the next smiling up into the camera with long lashes and a perfectly applied shade of pink eye shadow.

There weren’t any recent pictures, so, I could only assume that she had outgrown this hobby at one point, but looking at rows of pictures of work in progress made me realize one more thing she was apparently quite advanced in: Handicraft.

“So, will you ask her when her birthday is?” Kate asked me after a while of me researching some of the characters Eleonora had depicted in her costumes online; they originated from video games, movies, and Japanese comic books mostly.

I leaned back in the armchair. “And tell her what when she asks for mine?” My head was a lot less chaotic now and I was able to express my concerns more clearly.

Kate shrugged. “Just make something up.” She had continued to watch her TV show with Garrett, but they had taken a break between two episodes. “In winter, so that she has missed it already.” It was easy to understand her reasoning behind this: This way I would have explained to her what we were before it ever came to this day. I did not feel bad about this thought anymore after talking with my family before.

I looked at the clock before opening the messaging app. It was still a reasonable enough time to be awake, I decided. If she were already sleeping, I would have to wait for an answer until the next morning.

Another thought came to me once I had hit the send button. “What could I give her for her birthday?”

“How would I know?” Kate asked with raised eyebrows, but it was easy to see that she was thinking about possible answers anyway. “You know far more about her than I do.”

I obviously did with all the chat messages we had shared over the last weeks. I knew that she enjoyed cooking, but her kitchen was very tiny. I knew she liked singing and missed Japan sometimes. I knew that she apparently liked to sew, but it seemed like she hadn’t continued this hobby after coming to America. She did own a camera and enjoyed photography. – Nothing really came to mind when thinking about a present though. Especially when I wanted it to have some kind of meaning behind it. Catering to her cooking expertise for example seemed far too fleeting considering that she would not need to cook anymore once she was a vampire. But at the same time I had to consider the fact that we only knew each other for a few weeks – or three months at most, if our meeting on New Year’s Eve could truly be considered as our first encounter – and that meant that I could hardly offer her a too expensive or intimate gift.

“Buy her a new jumper,” Kate said after a moment. “The one she wore when she went hiking was terribly unflattering to her physique.”

I remembered having the same thought when seeing Eleonora in the sweater for the first time and laughed at my sister’s suggestion. “It was,” I agreed. Still, it seemed a little invasive to judge her taste of clothing, did it not? Especially when I had only ever seen her in her work clothes or covered in the long black coat outside of her visit here. Maybe it had been less of a fashionable than a practical choice for their hiking trip: human bodies became cold very fast after all.

Kate realized that I did not like her suggestion too much because she returned to her thought process once more. “How about a hiking trip for both of you?”

“Being alone with her with nobody around?” I questioned her idea. “Not to mention the possibility of sunshine?”

She clicked her tongue. “I guess you are right.” It would be a good possibility to explain to her what we were. I considered her being in a situation with only one vampire when she learned about our existence might be favorable to a whole house full of them. At the same time telling her meant changing her and she really would not have a choice about that, so it didn’t really matter in the end. Also, the number of vampires didn’t really influence the danger she was in when being alone with either of us. I could easily kill her with my bare hands, no need for my family to be around.

“Which animals did she like most at the zoo?” Carmen joined our conversation, leaning over the backrest of the sofa.

“The leopard or the tiger maybe?” I considered. “Or the moose.” Then I remembered something. “She was disappointed that there were no penguins.” But I wasn’t sure why Carmen had even asked.

“Forget about it. She is probably too old for stuffed animals anyway.”

I smiled a little at Carmen’s suggestion, even if her words were probably true. Imagining Eleonora wrapped around a fluffy penguin plush toy brought a smile to my face.

“I think, doing something special together is a good idea,” Carmen concluded. “You just have to consider the increasing hours of sunshine while planning.”

“And the fact that I might kill her, if we are alone in one room together,” I reminded her. It had been surprisingly easy when she had been here, but I did not trust my self-control much in smaller rooms and without the shock of her nearly dying.

Carmen’s face told me that she wanted to tell me, that I would be strong enough to stop at least, if I ever lost control, but my phone vibrated suddenly, ending our conversation.

I grabbed it instantly, because honestly: who else would write to me?

‘Sorry for not answering before. I was speaking with a friend from Germany on the phone. It’s always a little weird with ten hours of time difference. It’s barely past noon there.’ A smiley with an awkward smile at the end of her message made sure that I understood her intonation easily. She sent me the date of her birthday in a quick message right afterward and promptly asked for mine in return, before adding a question about why I asked in the first place.

‘It came up in a conversation,’ I answered evasively. ‘Do you have plans already?’ And then – because it would be rude to just ignore her question – I told her that my birthday had been in January.

‘Oh, then I missed it. Sorry! I guess it’s a little too late for congratulations by now.’

I smiled at her words that once more made obvious how gentle a person she was.

‘I guess I’ll have to work. It’s a Wednesday after all,’ she answered my previous question. ‘Maybe I will bake myself a cake or something. I could share it at work because I love baking, but I just don’t enjoy eating the cake afterward.’ A laughing smiley followed her confession. I didn’t feel like laughing at all. I hadn’t celebrated a birthday in my life – while the Cullens just chose a random date to celebrate each of their birthdays every year, it had never appeared rational to do the same – but it was an important day to celebrate for humans as far as I knew. Spending it at work seemed depressing, at least without any other day to make up for it with a party.

She had told me that she had a free day every week on Saturday though. ‘How about we do something together on the following Saturday to celebrate it?’ I offered her. Of course, it was dangerous to set a fixed date like that without knowing about the weather, but I would just have to find a way to make it possible. ‘If you don’t have plans with anybody else, of course,’ I added quickly. It seemed harsh to assume that she had no friends to spend her free day with, even if it appeared to be like that from all she had told me yet.

She did not answer immediately, and I felt panic rise in my chest with every second. Did I overstep some boundaries? Had I been rude to assume she would like to celebrate with me?

I looked up to my sisters now, a little freaked. Kate looked at me with expectation in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Carmen asked worriedly.

“I think I might have been too forward,” I explained my worries and returned my eyes to my phone.

‘We don’t have to.’ I was about to send the message when a response popped up on my screen.

‘I would love that! But do I have to wait until then to see you again?’ She had placed the monkey that covered its eyes with its hands at the end of the message; a sign of shyness?

My panic faded instantly, and I could finally breathe easily again. If my heart would not be still for centuries already, I felt like it would beat happily now, because of the implications in her words.

I quickly gave my sisters a heads-up before erasing my last message to write a new one. ‘Definitely not. I don’t think I could stand waiting that long.’ That might be a little cheesy, but honestly, it was quite accurate.

‘How do you feel about museums?’ Eleonora asked after a moment of silence. ‘And have you been to the Anchorage museum before?’

I hadn’t, even if Carmen and Eleazar had tried to make me go there more than once to discover more about how fascinating the indigenous Alaskan culture was. I had always considered living through a thousand years of history myself was enough to know about this topic, but apparently, that was to change soon. Her suggesting this kind of pastime fit very well into how curious I had found her to be.

‘I have never been before, even after living here for quite a while.’ I had never considered museums much before, so I would just try it out now. Just spending my time there with Eleonora would make it worthwhile, I was sure about that.

We made plans for going to the Anchorage Museum next week's Saturday then. And while it hadn’t taken a specific shape yet, I knew we would celebrate her birthday together as well.

But the question of her present was still remaining. I had only just returned my thoughts onto this topic – maybe we could just go shopping together and I would buy her something she liked in one of the stores on that specific Saturday if she even enjoyed shopping – when my phone vibrated in sudden succession in my lap. I nearly dropped it in surprise and Kate looked at me with questions in her eyes about the sudden change of a message pattern.

It took a moment for me to understand what had happened, but then the small icon of incoming pictures made it obvious what had caused the vibrating.

‘I nearly forgot about these,’ Eleonora had written, before attaching all the pictures we had taken at the zoo today. She had followed my wish and not deleted a single one of them. ‘I have to go to bed now, but I’ll write to you tomorrow,’ she promised and a quick glance into the upper right corner of my phone confirmed that it was past midnight already.

‘Good night. Sleep well and have nice dreams,’ she wrote, but my eyes lingered on the smiley she had added: the kissing one with the small heart next to its lips. It was only a small gesture, but it made me incredibly happy somehow.

‘Have a good night,’ I answered quickly. ‘And thank you for the tour through the zoo today.’ I added the same smiley, nearly giggling childishly at this small sign of affection.

Maybe it was my dumb smile, maybe she hadn’t looked away after the vibration incident at all, but Kate was watching me again. I rolled my eyes but offered her more information freely now. “We took some pictures together at the zoo today and she sent them,” I explained.

And then I clicked the first one of me, just to swipe to the right until the ones of her appeared on my screen, shy and a little awkward the pictures truly didn’t do her justice in her weirdly uncommon beauty. Kate was by my side – and I could feel Carmen lingering behind me too – when I reached the pictures of both of us together.

And suddenly it was all too obvious what I would give her as a birthday present.


	11. Birthday Presents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much trouble with writing this chapter and I don't even know why, but now it is finally finished and I hope you guys like it! Feel free to leave some feedback if you want.
> 
> Merry Christmas! <3

Spending time with Eleonora became a regular thing for the following Saturdays and for the next few weeks, the weather was on my side for this, at least most of the time. After our visit to the Anchorage museum – I was honestly impressed how fascinating indigenous culture and history could be – we walked the Coastal Trail the following week and when the clouds weren’t as thick the next Saturday we met up to go out for dancing and cocktails in the evening. The smell of so many people around me had made it easier not to think about her smell and if she noticed me sipping on one drink all evening, she hadn’t said anything about it. On this evening, for the first time in my life, all the attention I was getting for both my dancing skills and my looks had irritated me. Wasn’t it obvious that I had been there with somebody when Eleonora had been the only one, I had danced with all evening?

This had been two weeks from her birthday, but the following Saturday had been filled with some sudden tasks for her work which meant that with only writing to her most of the time and an occasional phone call I had nearly felt like going cold turkey on my own personal drug. But it had given me time to finish her present that rested inside my jacket pocket now while we were on our way towards the city.

I had told Eleonora to let herself be surprised by what we would doing and that she should just wait for me at her place with comfortable shoes and a warm weather-proof jacket, ready to go at six p.m. The sun had timidly stretched its fingers through the clouds all day, but when I reached her place a constant amount of clouds covered up the slowly setting sun.

My family was already heading forward in the Jeep to prepare what we had planned for her birthday. My BMW was waiting for us a few streets away, orderly parked next to the walkway. When I finally rang her doorbell, fidgety with meeting her again after two long weeks.

I could hear her stumbling down the stairs inside the house – a curious thing as the building possessed an elevator – only moments after the doorbell had rung. Her cheeks were flushed when she opened the door from how hurried she had moved, and her smell hit me in the face with its full force. Even after another hunting trip in preparation for her birthday celebration, my throat burned in insatiable thirst. I tried to focus on what she was wearing instead because to my surprise it was not the black coat I was used to by now. She was wearing a dark blue raincoat instead that was lined with cozy white fur on the inside of the hood. A thick white cord was used as a drawstring at her waist. She was wearing a pair of warm jeans with it and her black ankle boots with the heavy grip shoe sole. A scarf was hanging from the small leather backpack she had placed on her shoulder. I hoped that she thought about bringing a hat as well, but all in all she looked well enough prepared for our trip. Moreover, I was very glad that her new jacket choice did not clash with the dark red cape coat I was wearing or the cream-colored pants and the pair of dark brown boots that nearly reached up to my knees. I had to choose a pair of flat-heeled boots once more for this trip sadly.

My thoughts only took a blink of an eye, but they distracted me enough from my thirst to not kill her in front of her apartment building.

“Is this okay?” Eleonora asked me suddenly, gesturing to her outfit insecurely. Maybe it had been more than a blink of an eye after all?

“Perfect,” I smiled at her.

She fidgeted in her posture and I realized that she was thinking about touching me when her hand stretched towards my arm before being pulled back. On the one hand, I did not like that she was insecure about this kind of closeness. On the other hand, I was very glad that she did not just jump at me. My self-control was very limited, especially after not meeting her for two long weeks.

I carefully lifted my hand to touch the soft skin of her cheeks. “I missed you,” I whispered and got the expected reaction instantly when her cheeks flushed hotly under my fingers.

“Me too,” she stammered, her eyes falling onto my lips.

I took a careful breath before pulling myself up onto the tips of my toes to place my lips against hers. Hopefully, the heating system in my car had helped with the coolness a little. Eleonora ought to be suspicious slowly with how cold they always felt. She did not hesitate with their touch though, softly pressing her lips against mine. I felt happiness thrum in my chest just being this close and wrapped my fingers around her hand while kissing her.

I could have done this for hours, her heat slowly sipping into my body, as long as I did not breathe at any point, but my family was waiting for us and with the human girl by my side getting to our destination would take a short while. So, I separated from her unwillingly.

“Happy belated birthday,” I whispered. I had already congratulated her on her actual birthday, but it felt right to say it once more in person. My fingers gliding through a curl of her looks tenderly, bevor I pulled on her hand a little. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” she wanted to know for the utmost time.

“To my car,” I grinned at her but continued with a warning. “It doesn’t matter how often you ask me I won’t tell you.”

“Mean,” she grumbled, but I could see the excitement in her eyes at the same time.

“I promise you will enjoy it.” At least I very much hoped so. It had felt very right when I had thought of it first, but now I wasn’t so sure anymore. It was a little chilly for a human, wasn’t it?

“How was your day?” I asked to change the topic and overcome my sudden anxiety.

“I had to do some laundry and cleaning, but the weather was really nice, so, I didn’t get too much done,” she admitted with a guilty smile. “Did you enjoy the sunshine?”

I hadn’t. Not because I did not like the sunshine, but it had kept me away from her until the evening and I hadn’t enjoyed that at all, but I couldn’t tell her that. “It’s still quite snowy up in the mountains,” I told her instead. “But the sun did come out a few times.” That was not really an answer to her question, but I had mainly dressed and redressed myself the whole afternoon until I was both satisfied with my outfit and acceptably warmly dressed for human standards.

“I am still not used to the Alaskan weather,” Eleonora picked up a related topic. “There is so much snow in winter and it’s really cold, but the days are so bright at this time of the year already, compared to a few weeks ago.” She sounded fascinated by this. I had never begrudged this fact more than in the last few weeks.

“I know it’s because of how far north we are and all that, but it's very different from what I’m used to from Germany.” She talked easily now, and I enjoyed listening, leading her towards my car at the same time. “When I was a child it would always snow in the winter; even enough to build an igloo one time where we could sit inside and have warm tea. But the older I became the less it snowed.” Her happy memory faded into sadness quickly. “It’s a little scary to see how fast climate change works.”

“It is,” I agreed. Living for a millennium already I had seen how the weather naturally changed over the years, but technological advancement had led to an imbalance like never before. “Sometimes it is as if you can see the glaciers melt away.” And that was definitely a terrible experience, especially for immortals.

Eleonora sighed with a heavy voice. I remembered my conversation with my family clearly and I was curious and a little worried hearing that sound. She could hardly take the responsibility for human-made climate change onto her own shoulders, could she?

“It’s very unsettling,” I agreed. “But I believe that science will find a way to stop what it is responsible for in the first place.” At least I had to believe that. Climate change probably wouldn’t affect me as it would humans, but if all our food sources died away slowly – both vegetarian and non-vegetarian – it would be a painful way to starve into oblivion. I did not like to imagine that.

She looked more hesitant than convinced. “But how many lives will be lost before that? How many animals will go extinct?”

I had no answer for that, but I slowly started to feel bad for the car I was driving. But honestly, electric cars just couldn’t reach the necessary speed limits; not to forget about the absence of charging stations in the emptiness of the Alaskan wildlands.

My fingers carefully traced a soothing circle onto the ball of her thumb, and I felt her slowly relax next to me. “That’s not something to think about on a day of celebration,” I decided and hoped that she would agree because we had reached the street I had parked in now.

I tapped the remote control of the car in my other topic and the lights of the dark blue metallic BMW THE 5 came to life. It wasn’t the newest car, but honestly, Eleonora did not appear to be into cars at all, even if she was from Germany as this car. I just hoped she wouldn’t feel too intimidated by the cream-colored leather interior. I held the door open for her in a sudden desire to spoil her a little on this special day.

She stared at the car for a moment, before stepping up to the door, hesitating before getting in slowly and honesty not very gracefully. I closed the door behind her and moved around to the driver's side, giving her time to think about something to say. She obviously wanted to at least.

“This is a BMV… I mean BMW,” was the thing she said, when I got in; she pronounced it the German way first where the W sounded more like a V and tried again a second time with the correct English one afterward. I tried hard not to laugh, not because she pronounced it wrong, but because I was sure that was about the only thing she knew about cars.

“It is,” I agreed and even put on my seatbelt. She was already strapped in. I did not put her on the spot with her car knowledge. “I hope you won’t get carsick, it’s not far.” I pulled onto the street with a quick glance over my shoulder.

She blinked confused. Oh, I shouldn’t know that I remembered.

“Carlisle mentioned something like that when I asked him about your possible concussion.” Not the best lie I could have made up, but she had put me on the spot with her skepticism.

She did not question my words. Instead, she just looked at me in awe. “It’s like you remember every word I have ever said.” I did, but while it was obviously true it would sound too cheesy to say it aloud, even with how much in love I was with her.

“I have a good memory for small details,” I told her instead.

She smiled. “I only remember the weirdest facts,” she countered. “Like the tigers at the zoo and all.”

I remembered how impressed I had been by her incredible knowledge and I still felt overwhelmed by it as much as by her emotional capabilities. Maybe my impression of humans had just been unjustified in the first place or maybe it was just because it was her, but she had changed my perspective on their mental capabilities by far.

“Anything comes to mind right now?” I laughed, curious what her first association would be now.

For a small second her face looked almost blank. “Alaska can be written with letters from the same row of the keyboard. It’s the only American state where this is true.”

I blinked and thought about it while taking a turn at the next crossroads.

“Oh, and there is like one bear per twenty-something inhabitants!”

Not when Emmet was here, I mused.

I laughed a little. “Where do you even get these from?”

“That one’s from a guidebook I think, but mostly google? Whenever I don’t know something, I try to find out about it online. People like to add weird facts to make reading more fun,” she explained.

“The wonders of the internet,” I mused. Honestly, when I had been born most people couldn’t even read and it had taken five hundred more years until print had been discovered. The changes of the last hundred years were still overwhelming most of the time, even for a vampire's brain; not to mention all these ridiculous online trends that were in for a week, before being out again only a few days later.

We reached Raspberry Road now, so it was only a few more minutes until we could see the boundaries of Kincaid Park and I was fully enjoying how Eleonora’s eyes sparkled when she saw the huge green area in front of us. “Have you been here before?” I nearly hummed. I hadn’t even realized that I was breathing easily again even with her this close. Maybe I was underestimating my own self-control. Of course, as soon as I thought about it, the thirst itched in my throat, so I tried to focus on Eleonora’s answer instead.

“It’s Kincaid Park, right?” she checked, and I nodded. “I have seen it when I arrived at the airport from the plane. It’s gigantic!” She sounded impressed, her eyes flickering from my face to the window as if insecure if she should be polite to look at me while talking or watch the nature around us. I did not mind and pointedly turned my eyes onto the road.

“I didn’t have the opportunity yet, it’s a little far from my place too.” She had no car, and I wasn’t sure how good the bus connection was or how else she was moving through the city.

I smiled softly, happy that I could show her something new this time again. “At your service.” I grinned. Honestly, I would drive her wherever she wanted to go if she only asked.

“Ein Elch!” [Moose!] she exclaimed suddenly. Her eyes widened when she saw the animal in the clearing. I slowed down a little to give her a little more time. Moose wasn’t a rare sight on our hunting trips, but they tasted pretty dull, even if not as bad as normal venison.

“You saw moose at the zoo,” I commented once we had passed by.

“That’s different! I mean we aren’t even in the wilds right now and still, we saw a wild animal in the middle of a park. That’s so cool!” she sounded truly happy. It was obvious that she had been raised in a city and not the countryside because even in Germany there must be some wildlife outside the city areas, right?

We reached the parking lot then and I parked right next to the Jeep. I wasn’t sure if she recognized it as ours, but I had told her that my family would join us for the evening too, so I assumed she wouldn’t be too surprised.

She carefully stepped out of the car, looking around curiously.

“This way,” I told her, nodding in the right direction.

“Where are we going?” she wanted to know.

I rolled my eyes. “You remember what I said, do you?”

“Oh, come on,” she groaned. “We still haven’t reached our final destination?”

I took her hand and grinned. “Nope,” I told her, kissing her knuckles. “How about we go for a romantic hike now?”

She blushed and was silent instantly. Apparently, I had just discovered a way to make her shut up. Not that I did not enjoy her talking most of the time but knowing that I had this leverage made me smile.

We soon left the easily accessible areas behind us and continued deeper into the nature that slowly turned into dunes around us.

“What do you like best about Alaska until now?” I asked curiously after a few minutes.

“You?” she answered without hesitation but blushed right after.

I felt my chest tighten happily. “That’s not what I meant,” I corrected anyway. Not that I did not enjoy her priorities when it came to this, but I still wanted to know the honest answer.

“That’s really hard to answer,” she told me after a moment of thinking. “The religious music is very fascinating and completely different from back in Germany,” she was thinking out loud. “The snow probably. I really like the winter.” She grinned impishly. “Even if I always slip on the ice and snow.”

“I’ll be there to catch you when you fall,” I promised without thinking.

She looked at me surprised. Then she smiled.

“I don’t know how you do it, but I kind of believe you.” I felt a little caught, but her words did not seem to hold any harm. She snuggled a little closer to me as best as she could without tripping over her feet.

“How about you? What do you like best about Alaska?” she asked, our arms still touching, even if I could barely feel her heat through the thick fabrics of both our jackets.

I hesitated. Lately, there were a lot of things I _didn’t_ like about Alaska. But I had called it home for such a long time that I knew this was a new trend. “Is it boring if I say the northern lights?” I asked after a moment. I had seen them a million times already, but even with a vampire’s senses, I could never get over how incredibly beautiful the colors were.

Her eyes light up. “They are incredible!” she nearly exclaimed and covered her mouth with her hand in embarrassment, bevor continuing less loud. “I saw all these pictures before, but it’s just not even close to reality.”

I could only agree with her words. “Nature can truly do incredible things.” _Creating her for example_ , flashed through my mind. I was still overwhelmed by all the aspects that formed the woman in front of me.

But even with how incredibly happy I was with her by my side, I felt doubt creep up in my chest. “Is there something you miss?” Scared to my bones I waited for her answer.

Her voice turned incredibly grave now. “Bread.”

I blinked.

She started laughing whole-heartedly. “Nobody ever understands that joke.” She was still grinning. “Honestly, it’s just so true. What people call bread here tastes like sugary paper most of the time.” She shrugged. “I miss full-grain bread.”

I had expected a lot after my question, but not something so ridiculously trivial. Was she hiding something behind her words? Or was she really so frustrated by toast that this was her deepest loss?

“Oh, and licorice. Honestly, how anybody can enjoy eating Red Vines is beyond me.”

She noticed the expression in my eyes then and hesitated. “I guess I miss my friends sometimes,” she said slowly. “But it was my choice to come here and I would have regretted not meeting you so much more.” That obviously was not possible – if she hadn’t come here, she would not consider it a loss after all – but I was pretty sure that she was very aware of this fact. It didn’t really matter to the happiness I felt anyway.

She looked into the distances then, her cheeks warm again. “I don’t think I have ever been as happy back in Germany as I am when I can spend time with you.”

She tried to pull her fingers from my hand, hurrying forward, but I didn’t let her go too overwhelmed by my own feelings. I pulled her back with more force than both necessary and expected from a woman my size and pulled her lips onto mine with a hand at her neck. It was like a drug to me when she said this kind of thing.

Changing her at her birthday party was not an option, but I really wanted to do it right now.

“Say it again,” I demanded instead, my eyes probably immediately turning a shade darker.

She blinked, her cheeks still flushed, her heart hammering in her chest. “I’m happy when we are together?” she said in a confused voice.

It was not exactly what I had wanted to hear, but it was close enough. A noise that was more of a purr than any human sound slipped from my throat in response.

She looked at me in wonder and once more I wasn’t sure if I had just triggered some sort of understanding of my supernatural nature in her. When her eyes turned sad instead, I knew immediately what she was about to say.

“I don’t under-“ I pushed a finger against her lips.

“Don’t ruin the mood, please.”

Eleonora blinked confused.

“I know that you feel like you are not good enough for me, but I don’t want to hear that from your mouth today.” Or ever again, if possible.

Her eyes turned towards the floor, but she didn’t even try to deny my words. I hated this part of her personality with every fiber of my being.

I could see how she tried to say something but stopped before any words left her mouth. I had a feeling that it would have been a misstep against my newly established rule for the evening.

“Sorry,” she just mumbled.

Obviously, the happy mood was gone anyway.

I was still trying to find a way to return to a safer topic when she spoke, “So… there won’t be a crowd waiting at the end of this track to laugh at how incredibly naïve I was thinking that … us being … you know … anything … was even a possibility?”

I stared at her in utter disbelieve. Her words didn’t even begin to make sense to me, not because of the number of pauses between them or the questionable grammar she used, but because nobody could honestly imagine that this was an honest possibility, could they? But the fear in Eleonora’s eyes was so real that it could only be born from experience and the anger was there again, trying to rip me apart if I did not destroy whoever has caused her this pain.

“Of course not,” I breathed out slowly, trying to control my anger. “Why would you even think that?”

Her eyes avoided mine again and she was holding onto the strap of her backpack for dear life. “Popular people seem to enjoy kicking people who are already lying on the ground.”

The implication hit me straight in the face because apparently, she considered me to be part of the first group and in consequence able to perform this kind of cruelty. Had I been elated by her happiness to spend time with me before, I was miserable now.

“I mean… I don’t think you are like that,” she tried to go back on her words. “It’s just… that I thought so about people before and… well, I was proven wrong in the end.” She looked desperate, caught up in her memories.

I was at a loss because the anger returned, urging me to rip out the heart of whoever had done this to her, but the pain of her doubt in me was still clawing its way deeper into my chest at the same time. I was frozen in place and I nearly forgot that I had to breathe to at least appear human.

She was fidgeting as if she thought about running away, frozen in place in what I considered to be utter shock about the words she had said aloud. It was obvious that she wished to take them back, but we both knew that it was impossible. Her doubt would be etched into my whole existence for the rest of my life and for the first time in maybe forever she had caused me true distress. And I knew that the longer I kept silent, the longer she would pick herself apart, hurting herself until she would be as much in pain as I was. I had to say something to stop her.

“I promised nobody will laugh at you when we reach the end of the path.” I tried to sound reassuring, but my voice betrayed me. “It’s only my family waiting there.” And I knew that they would immediately notice that something was wrong. I wasn’t that good of an actor and Kate had always been able to see right through my acts. At least, they wouldn’t ask about the reasons while Eleonora was still with us.

I tried to pull myself together and carefully reached for her hand. Her eyes showed me how insecure she was about this touch. Apparently, my acting wasn’t convincing her either. She didn’t pull away though and we moved forward anyway, the distance between us growing again and I _hated_ it with every fiber of my being.

“You are not cold, are you?” I asked, very aware of how plump my attempt in conversation was. I just didn’t want her to dwell in any negative thoughts and maybe I would be able to make mine a little less loud too.

“I’m okay. You warned me about dressing warmly after all.” Her answer was as awkward as my own words, but I was glad she was willing to answer at all.

“I’m glad,” I mumbled, searching for another topic already, relieved when I could slowly distinguish my family’s voices against the sound of the waves, still too far away for more human senses to pick them up.

To my surprise, Eleonora beat me to it. “You are not wearing high heels today,” she stated.

I was surprised that she even noticed. She didn’t seem all too aware of fashion or shoes in general. I would not let her attempt slip away though. “Trust me, I would have if it would be possible for where we are going.” Which of course was possible, but I had a human façade to hold onto.

“The beach?” Eleonora mused now. I tried to not feel disappointed that she had figured out our destination. The changing landscape and the sound of the waves – I wasn’t sure how good human ears were, honestly – must have given it away by now.

So, I agreed. “Sand and high heels are natural enemies.”

“High heels in general are natural enemies.”

I laughed and could lock all the bad feelings away for the moment. “It’s all about training,” I repeated what I had already told her once.

“It’s all about shortened tendons,” she countered, her lips twitching in laughter too.

“And balance,” I added knowingly.

“And balance,” she agreed. Maybe I had overestimated the effect of our short confrontation?

“It’s like throwing a ball for a dog,” Eleazar’s voice carried over the last dune then, loud enough even for human ears. It was obvious who he was talking about even without much context. I couldn’t hold back a laugh.

Eleonora looked at me, a question in her eyes.

“Just listen,” I recommended.

“It’s a frisbee and you are catching it as much as I am,” Garrett answered. It was clear that he did not enjoy being compared to a dog.

“I think it’s quite accurate,” Kate laughed. “A little hyperactive puppy.”

“So mean,” Eleonora whispered, her eyes a little widened.

I just laughed.

“And you’re his holder?” I added once we stepped over the highest point of the dune.

Kate laughed. “I like to hold onto a tight leash.”

“I’m not a dog!” Garrett demanded.

“Maybe reins would be more fitting than a leash,” Kate mused. “I like to be on top after all.” Her smile was turning very sexual now and I could see Carmen panicking at her words, looking at Eleonora, who looked away bashfully but fought down a smile at the same time. I had already learned that she was not ashamed of sexuality and I quite liked that about her.

I just laughed. “Do him a favor and throw him a curveball from time to time,” I recommended my sister. “Or, in this case, a frisbee.” She was portraying the demure lady more often than not, but honestly, she was the most adventurous and active of us all. Why she did not join him for more of his adventures I wasn’t sure. Maybe she just liked to play hard to get.

I offered Eleonora a hand when a piece of driftwood was obstructing the way down to where my family had already constructed a campfire and was sitting on large chunks of wood and stone now that the frisbee game was over. I was a little curious how much of this they had built themselves and how much had already been there when they arrived.

Both Garrett and Eleazar were at their mates’ sides when we reached our campfire. It wasn’t lit yet, but I felt like they might have gone a little overboard with the proportions.

“It’s so wonderful to see you again, cariña,” Carmen said with all the heartfelt love she offered everybody. “And happy birthday!” She got up to take hold of Eleonora’s hand softly, while still keeping a safe distance I was grateful for. The dark brown Poncho was floating around her softly, matching the wide-brimmed fedora on her brown hair. She was only wearing a crème-colored woolen sweater underneath that was big enough to count as a knit dress, but somehow, she pulled it off while looking dressed warm enough for an April evening on the beach.

“We wish you all the best,” Eleazar added dressed in the same color scheme as his wife, but I barely even noticed. Kate was looking at me and the short distance between me and Eleonora. Honestly, it did not seem any farther than what was normal between us. So, how did she seem to realize that something had changed?

Garrett just offered a short, but honest “Congratulations!” before Kate pulled Eleonora into a tight hug, her eyes still fixed on me, a frown appearing once the human girl couldn’t see it. I ignored it pointedly.

“Happy birthday,” she congratulated. Both she and Garrett pulled off the leather look today. “Sit down with us.” She gestured to a large branch of driftwood that was apparently designated for both of us. “Do you want to do the honors of setting fire to Garrett’s masterpiece?” She grinned at her boyfriend, not letting on at the slightest that she had noticed some kind of tension between me and my mate.

I did not like the idea of Eleonora being close to fire like that. Obviously, it was dangerous to vampires in a way, but none of us would ever just trip and stumble into a burning campfire as she might do.

“Sure,” she agreed anyway but looked at Garrett a little worriedly before taking the lighter and the dry branch that was meant to set fire to both tinder and kindling in the middle of the woodpile.

I remembered how scared Eleonora was of dangerous situations and was very surprised when she set the branch on fire with no sign of hesitation. Seconds later the tinder in the middle of the cone-shade was ablaze. She started at it in an unexpected fascination, before returning to my side, her eyes sparkling when she looked at me now.

“Did you have a good day on Wednesday?” There was not a second of awkward silence before Carmen was picking up the conversation instantly from where Kate had let off – Kate was busy kissing Garrett now. “Did somebody bake a cake for you?”

“My mentor did,” she sounded surprised. “But I made some myself, too. And we had far too much, and I might never want to see sugar again in my life.” She groaned but laughed at the same time. I was glad that she was so comfortable with my family.

“Then it’s a good thing we did not bring any,” Garrett grinned. He was nearly wrapped around my sister now in a way that seemed a little uncomfortable. Maybe the distance between Eleonora and I was bigger than I thought.

“It is. I would have felt terrible if I had to refuse it. So, I would have eaten some and would have gotten a sugar shock instantly,” she joked. I could see Carmen considering if Eleonora might actually be a diabetic, but she quickly saw that it was just a line.

Garrett picked up on the mood faster. “That would have been a terrible loss. And Tanya would have been so angry with us.” His worry at that was a little more serious. I grinned a little. He had learned his lesson apparently. Just because both Kate and I looked pretty, did not mean that we had spent a thousand years of existence idly.

Eleonora scrutinized me now. Well, she did not have the experience Garrett had, but his forty centimeters did not give him much of an advantage in the end if I tried seriously.

“She is a lot more dangerous than she lets on,” Garrett commented in response to Eleonora’s questioning eyes. I held back a frown. He was very freely giving away hints about things I did not want Eleonora to find out on her own.

“No, I think I can see it,” Eleonora claimed without any hesitation. “I don’t think I would want to fight a woman who goes hiking in high heels.”

Kate burst out in laughter. “That’s the most accurate thing I have ever heard!”

I frowned at her, but if she noticed she did not feel like offering a response.

The way Carmen was watching our banter reminded me more of a mother than a sister for a moment and I was glad that she was so levelheaded when she ended the conversation before it got out of hand. “It’s a good thing that I am not much of a baker then,” she smiled softly. “I still made something for you, and I hope you will accept it?”

Eleonora’s eyes widened when Carmen picked up the package that had been standing behind her on the ground. “I…” she looked at me suddenly as if she needed my permission to accept my sister’s gift. Just imagining the pain, it would cause Carmen if Eleonora truly refused her, made me give her an encouraging smile. “You didn’t have to.” But she carefully took the square from my sister’s hands. “Thank you so much.”

She touched it very tentatively, opening it with surprising patience, not ripping the paper at any place. When she had unpacked it completely, she carefully turned the canvas around to look at the motive and her lips fell open in awe. “You made this?”

It was fascinating to see the pride well up in Eleazar’s eyes first, while Carmen was very happy about Eleonora’s words but never arrogant about her skills. “It’s just a hobby of mine, nothing too impressive.”

“It’s beautiful!” She just stared at the picture in complete fascination for a long moment, taking in all the different things. I loved to watch her face all the while, it was as expressive as always. “Wow,” was all she said in the end. “It’s incredible. Thank you so, so much!” She carefully tucked it back into the paper that covered it before, to prevent any possible harm.

“I’m glad when my art puts a smile on somebody’s face,” Carmen said happily, leaning against her husband now. Eleonora probably couldn’t have reacted any better to this present.

“I’ve got something for you, too!” Kate grinned suddenly and I stared at her in surprise now, because I had only known about Carmen’s gift.

She pulled out a soft-looking package, maybe half the size of Carmen’s canvas. She easily threw it over the flames without even the danger of falling in. She had not, however, taken into account Eleonora’s clumsiness. My hand shot forward to catch the package that was slipping through her fingers for the second time now. The texture was so very obvious that I nearly threw it into the fire myself. I couldn’t believe that Kate would do something like that!

Eleonora carefully took it from my hands though, blushing furiously. Her “Thank you” was directed at my saving reactions now. Kate was holding back a fit of laughter at what I assumed was my death glare.

A few seconds later Eleonora was holding a dark green sweater in her hands. It had a V-neck that would obviously be far more complimentary to her body shape than the turtleneck of the one she had worn at our place; it had a subtle asymmetric pattern that would slimmer her waist a little more too while matching the different shades of her eye color perfectly. And from all I could see from here, it was very soft and warm at the same time. Kate had made a great decision with this, but it seemed incredibly rude.

“Please lose the one you wore the other day,” my sister only added to her ill-mannered behavior.

“Kate!” I hissed.

To my utter surprise, Eleonora did not share my anger at all. She just blushed. “It looks terrible, right?” she admitted. “It wasn’t meant for anybody to see.” She avoided Kate’s eyes, looking the sweater over in her hands. It did not leave her completely unscathed, but she was hiding it very well. “It’s very warm though.” The sheer implication of Kate thinking that she had looked ugly remained, but when Eleonora looked up now, her eyes held no grudge. “Thank you. It is very beautiful.”

I wasn’t sure what Kate had expected as a reaction, but apparently, this wasn’t it. She blinked surprised. “You’re welcome,” she answered baffled.

Eleonora looked at the soft fabric – pure new wool maybe? Or cashmere? – before carefully folding it. She was as gentle with this present as she had been with the last one, placing it back into the paper.

When she had placed it with the canvas and looked up again, Eleazar had moved to her.

Did he prepare a present for her too while I wasn’t looking?

He knelt down in front of her, before carefully taking her hand with long fingers. She opened it under his slight implications, something like anxiety in her eyes. He slowly placed something in there but kept his hand in place, still covering it. Honestly, I was turning nervous now, too.

“I know you are not catholic, and it is not a very common concept in the protestant church, but it only ever rests in one of my drawers. I think you will appreciate it a lot more than I ever have.” He pulled his hand away now, revealing a chain of darkish red-brown wooden roses – Black Cherry wood I assumed – on a silver chain. In the middle of the circle of small rose beads – every once in a while, separated by a bigger bead or a small round ingot of silver with some kind of embossing – was a wooden cross, a wooden rose blooming from right above the head of a crucified Christ. It was a rosary, I realized in surprise.

“It once belonged to my mother,” he said softly, and I felt my chest tighten at this revelation. I had not even known something like that even existed. Him giving it to her felt like such an intensely personal gesture that my throat became tight instantly. He was not only willing to accept the dangers that her still being human could mean for our family, but he openly invited her to be part of our family right now.

“I can’t accept that,” Eleonora answered, her voice sounding as tight as mine felt. “It’s a family heirloom.” She tried to return it to him, aware of its worth even without knowing how old it must truly be.

He closed her fingers around the present. “It would mean a lot to me if you would give it a meaning once again.” His dark eyes were filled with honesty. “Please,” he repeated, his eyes disarmingly intense.

She gulped. “Thank you,” she barely whispered. Was she blinking away tears? Her free hand, at least, searched for mine suddenly, pressing it in a way I could not exactly place.

“Thank you,” Eleazar repeated, smiling in my direction when getting up to return to his wife.

Eleonora carefully opened her jacket to place the rosary inside an inside pocket of her jacket, checking with Eleazar if that was okay with him, before closing her jacket again against the cold wind.

I had a feeling on my skin that reminded me of what humans must experience as goosebumps even if my skin – of course – stayed as hard as granite.

“Well, I got you something too,” Garrett said after a moment of silence. He handed her a box, only wrapped with a single ribbon. It was a box of chocolates.

It seemed ridiculously unimportant after what Eleazar had just done.

“Everybody loves chocolate, right?” Garrett shrugged, lightheartedly, but maybe a little insecure about his choice after all the gestures the rest of our family had just performed.

Eleonora smiled at him with the same heartfelt happiness that she had offered everybody else. “I heard there are people who don’t like it, but I think they are lying,” she grinned at him. “Thank you. I will enjoy every single one of them.” His present was accepted with the same gratefulness as every single one before this.

I hadn’t even expected them to get her anything, but now I remembered the present that was still heavy in my own pocket. Was now the right moment to give it to her?

But when my hand wrapped around the little box in my pocket and I searched for her eyes to start a conversation, her eyes were locked onto something far away.

“It’s so beautiful,” she breathed, nearly inaudibly. I followed her eyes to see the clouds colored by the setting sun into a million shades of orange, yellow, and rose. It was indeed a beautiful sight and so I rested the box into the pocket once more and just watched her awestruck expression for a moment. I still felt somehow more distant from her than even on our first meeting, but my heart was swelling in love for the soft human being in front of me, who was able to see beauty in such trivial things as a sinking sun behind the clouds.

I forgot about my family for a long moment, resting my hand on Eleonora’s on the wooden seat we used as a bench without even considering body temperature as an issue while watching her who had accepted all the presents with so much more appreciation than I had ever seen in a human before. She had not in the first place been happy about the present itself, but about the sheer act of offering somebody a present. Her heart was so full of kindness, but so much pain was layering above it and I just didn’t know how to rip through it to reach for the heart beneath it. It seemed like an impossible task and sadness was trying to get a hold of me now with the same force the loss of my sister had once ripped a hole into my chest.

While I was still staring at my mate in awe and fascination, I noticed another conversation in the back of my mind.

“Hey, Garrett? Let’s play frisbee,” Kate suddenly declared to her boyfriend.

“What?” the former nomad answered with a question of confusion.

“Let’s play. Tanya was right. I should throw you a curveball from time to time.”

And when I looked over the flames for a blink of a second, I realized that Carmen and Eleazar had quietly excused themselves to a walk without me even noticing.

The sunlight had almost completely faded only a few minutes later – I did not bother with the sheer improbability of Kate and Garrett playing frisbee without any light and neither did Eleonora apparently –, the fire a constant flickering next to us. She turned to me, her eyes still in a far-off place, the sadness shimmering there as her constant companion.

“Your hands are always so cold,” she only whispered, her fingers tightening around mine. I hadn’t even realized that I didn’t wear any gloves today and I felt panic rise somewhere in my chest. She looked at me without any suspicion, just honest worry.

I sighed because I was about to lie. “My blood circulation leaves quite a lot to be desired sometimes.”

Her worry only deepened.

“Don’t fret about it. It’s not harmful.” She lifted my hand anyway to rub warmth into my fingers. I had no heart to tell her how impossible that was, but I pulled back anyway, getting a pair of knitted gloves out of my pocket instead.

She watched me and I could see how she tried to not show that she was disappointed about the loss. Honestly, I felt the same.

When my fingers were wrapped in tight fabric, Eleonora was watching the flames in front of us, a deep frown on her forehead.

“I’m sorry,” she suddenly said. “For what I implied before.”

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one still bothered by her words.

“I ruined the mood.” Maybe she had realized how my family had left to give us the possibility to talk after all?

Still, I had to stop her from this downward spiral she was getting herself into. “Don’t worry about it. It really wasn’t that bad,” I simply lied.

She looked at me directly now. “Don’t lie,” she accused immediately. She was very observant after all. “I hurt you. And I feel terrible about it.” It was easy to hear in her voice how true her words were.

“I know you are,” I sighed in agreement. “But I also know that it was not your intention.”

“That does not excuse my behavior.” She was kneading her hands desperately now. I lifted my hands to wrap my fingers around hers to stop her. It looked painful. “I should have thought first, before saying something like that, but I just… panicked.”

I felt incredibly calm whenever she was so upset and I had no idea why, but it felt like what she needed me to be now, so I just was. “What happened to you?” It was not a concrete question, but I wasn’t even sure what had triggered her behavior in the first place.

She shook her head. “I just…” She struggled for words. “People just never _liked_ me.”

And I was just unable to understand that. She was such a kind and soft person. Why would anybody not like her?

“I was too… curious, too focused on learning and looking up to people older than me.” – In a different situation I might have laughed about her ‘looking up to people older than her’. Next to her, the millennium I had on her seemed so incredibly unimportant.

She was struggling for words once again. “I guess I was a … how do you say that in English? … a teacher’s pet.”

I tried to imagine a younger version of her brown-nosing her teachers. It didn’t fit.

At the same time, I tried to grasp how her time in school was still affecting her this much in her early thirties. But when I thought about it: It had been nearly half her life she had spent in this institution. Not to mention that teenage years were incredibly influential for humans – I, of course, couldn’t even remember mine.

“I didn’t need to do that, of course. I always had good grades without much effort.” She frowned. “That sounds very arrogant. My sister always said I should not show off with my grades, because it is unimportant in life and I guess she was right in the end.” For a moment, she was lost in thought. I ignored the lurking memories of my own sister. This was not about me after all. “Well, it was very important to me back then and it was easy for my classmates to pick me as their desired victim.”

She blinked, focusing her eyes on me again. “I didn’t make it very hard for them honestly.” She laughed dryly. “I’m not really the fighting back type.”

That, I could easily imagine. There was so much kindness in her.

“Well, I was very trusting towards a lot of people and that trust was often abused”, she ended quickly suddenly. That was very unspecific, and I frowned.

“What exactly did they do?” I carefully probed.

“I don’t really know anymore.” She was kneading her hands again, a sign of how uncomfortable my asking made her.

I pressed her hands tighter, maybe even tight enough to make it hurt a little. Her eyes focused on me again. “Eleonora”, her name rolled from my lips. “You never have to tell me anything you don’t want to share.” I lifted a finger to her face, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. “But I want to understand you. I want to know what hurt you this much and anything else you are willing to share.”

“It’s embarrassing”, she mumbled but leaned into my hand anyway. “On a youth camp trip thing, there were a few older, cool girls who seemed to be nice.” She made a short break, putting her thoughts into an order I mused. “I hit puberty very early and … I don’t know, tried to figure out my body I guess?”

I had not expected this conversation to go this way honestly. Were we talking about masturbation now?

“All of us – the girls I mean – were sleeping in one big room, but these older girls had a smaller room for themselves. I don’t even remember how it happened, but one of them mentioned something about bumpy bottle caps…” She shook her head. “It’s not important and I don’t really remember it clearly.” Her shoulders dropped. “They mentioned it in front of the whole dorm a few hours later. Telling people, I would stick bottles inside and things like that.”

I knew it was impossible, but I felt an icy shower ripple over my body just imaging this without even a place to run away to for some privacy.

“Well, my first crush read out my love letter in front of the whole class. Everybody laughed. I guess you get the drill.”

Humans could be so ridiculously cruel!

“I later decided that I didn’t want to fit in with people that were so unnecessarily cruel with other people, but it was mainly for self-protection, I guess.” A glimmer of the strong, self-confident woman I had met shimmered between the surface at that moment, but once again I reached a point where I had to question the picture, I had painted of her in my mind. Was this just an act to protect a far more vulnerable self she was afraid to show the world?

“And all that just because I wished for some approval to fill the emptiness inside me, from the one person that truly mattered to me back then.”

Once more her mind had taken a sharp turn and I had trouble following her thoughts, but when she blinked a few times in quick succession I had a feeling this was a far more important part of her hurting.

She shook her head again. “Let’s not talk about my father. It’s just gonna make me cry.” Her hands wrapped around mine instead and she pressed down reassuringly. “This is far too beautiful to spoil it with tears”, she smiled.

I searched her eyes for an implication, if she really wanted to drop the topic or if she wanted me to ask again when she suddenly got up.

“Could we walk a little at the shore?”

She rubbed with her hands over her tights a little once she was standing. Was she cold?

“Of course,” I obliged easily.

I helped her down onto the sandier parts of the beach and we started moving towards the water in silence.

“Are you cold?” I asked after a while. Without even noticing, I had moved closer to her again.

“No,” she smiled, but fell silent again right after. I hated the idea of us returning to awkward silences and unskilled conversations, so I took control.

“Do you want to talk about your father?”

I could nearly feel her flinch, even with the distance that still remained between us.

“No,” she answered once more but didn’t stop with this answer this time. After a moment of silence, she continued, “Could you answer one question for me though? Honestly?”

“Of course,” I replied immediately, looking at her beautiful face in the white moonlight that was reflected from the quiet waves onto her face softly.

“Can you forgive me for my stupidity?”

I hadn’t expected this question at all and just blinked for a moment before the answer just came to me naturally. “Yes.” My answer was as short as hers had been before, but I put all my determination behind this one word, because honestly, knowing what she had just shown me a glimpse of, I was surprised that she had even followed me this far at all.

I could hear her heart taking a relieved leap inside her chest, but I still did not expect her to grab my hands, pressing tightly. “I have no idea how I deserve you,” she breathed. “Thank you so much for everything.”

In a way, she had just broken the rule I had established on our way here, but I couldn’t care at all, when she leaned down to me, carefully placing her lips on mine. For a moment, I had feared that this might never happen began because of the words she had spoken to me, a few dozen minutes before. But now, I could feel the warmth of her lips on mine, their softness, and how they would melt against mine as soon as they met each other. I felt like I was drowning in this touch, pulled down by the love that was burning between us, grasping for her lips as if she was the only source of oxygen I would ever get again. My hands curled into her hair, holding onto it for dear life.

I knew that I could easily forget what she had implied before and I knew that in a way it wasn’t even that far off, because I was not a good person at all. It was just that I would never hurt _her_ like that, not that I would never hurt anybody like that. She was bringing out a very different side of me and I still wasn’t sure about how to handle that. But now, kissing her, that didn’t matter, because she was with me and she had told me that she was happy with me and that gave me hope that we would be able to fight our way through all the pain and fears that were wrapped around her hearts so tightly, like tangled strings in a knot, too intertwined to just pull apart in one try. We just had to try over and over again, right?

Slowly, I pulled away from her lips, caressing her cheeks with my fingers. I hated the fabric separating us, but it didn’t really matter, because she was here with me and that was all that mattered in the end.

“I love you.”

The words just came out of my mouth without me even thinking about it. It was right to say them right now because she was everything to me and I wanted her to know that.

When I looked at her, her green eyes were staring back at me, widened in shock, reflecting the light of the stars in a way that was probably only seeable for a vampire's eyes. But my whole being was focused on her heartbeat, fluttering in her chest in what could only be happiness.

“You do?” she breathed out nearly inaudibly. And then her whole face lit up in joy.

“I love you,” she answered whole-heartedly. And then she kissed me again.

I pulled away far more quickly this time, placing a finger on her lips before she could say anything. “I have a present for you.”

And then I finally pulled the box out of my pocket.

She looked at it and I wasn’t sure how much she could even see under the moonlight.

And then I finally hesitated, because … was this too much? Could I even give her something like this? We didn’t even know each other for more than four months and I wanted to give her something like this? What if she felt like I was going too fast? If it was too…

“It might be too… cheesy,” I said hesitantly, closing my hand around the box, thinking about putting it back already.

“Some people call cheesy romantic,” she answered instead and grabbed my hand in hers, her fingers shaking as if a little scared of what was to come. “I like romantic.”

And then she opened my fingers with a determination I hadn’t expected and lifted the box from my hand.

“Can I open it?” she asked, something like awe in her voice. Her fingers were still shaking, but she carefully pulled off the lid when I nodded my permission.

On the inside, the silver reflected the moonlight, where it was wrapped around the black opal in spirals and curves. The green and blue drifting through the stone like clouds was mirroring the one thing we had talked about that I had always loved most in Alaska before meeting her: The Northern Lights. The whole pendant was shaped like a diamond, only the tiny hinges at its side gave away that it had another secret hidden inside.

“It’s a medallion,” I explained quietly, watching her struggling with the opening mechanism in the dark, but didn’t try to help her and finally it snapped open.

“Can you see?” I asked softly. I had my phone with me, so I could switch on the flashlight if that was necessary.

“It’s the picture from the zoo,” she answered my question without truly answering it.

“It is,” I agreed.

She held it in her hands with the same care she had offered any other gift today. But then I saw the water glittering in her eyes and my heart sank. It had been too forward, hadn’t it?

“Do you not like it?” I cramped up, waiting for her answer in panic.

“I love it,” she whispered on the contrary. “I love it so much.” She blinked away the tears. “Can I put it on?”

“Of course!” My heart had lightened and then I acted quickly. “Let me do it,” I offered, taking the silver chain from her fingers and moving behind her, slipping my gloves back into the pockets of my jacket. She had pulled off her scarf – which she would sooner or later have to put on again – to give me space and I lifted my hands to place the pendant on her collarbones, where the tip softly touched the valley of her bosom. I didn’t even try to stop my fingers from touching her soft skin, my fingers bare and cold, but apparently not unwelcome, because her heart fluttered under my touch.

I closed the clasp behind her neck easily on the first try but remained there and pushed my lips against the curve of her shoulder that she had bared for me for what I had already finished. I could feel a shiver running down her spine, goosebumps following it all the way down under her clothes. And my body mirrored this reacting when I – for the first time since meeting her – felt a hunger for something that was not her blood, and desire took hold of me that I had not ever experienced for another woman.

“I love you,” I whispered against her shoulder, before putting reins onto the sudden fire inside me to pull up her jacket before she could freeze.

This was the one thing I was more experienced with than Edward had ever been. I had shared the bed with humans before and that meant I could stop myself, at least strength-wise. I wasn’t sure if the same could be said about my thirst though.

“It’s perfect,” Eleonora said, turning around to me, her hands at the new jewelry on her chest and her voice… – was I only imagining this? – as raspy as I expected mine to be.

“You are perfect,” I answered and for once I knew my honesty mirrored hers because this was not a lie and it would never be. She was perfect. My perfect mate.


	12. Campfire stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I created a Spotify playlist for this fanfic, including all the songs I mentioned at some point and the songs that inspired me while writing: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2U1a758yJlUwJEHDUeLYpW?si=T0_dp_aIT6qj7uNiu-Qlxg  
> Feel free to take a look if you are curious about some German music!  
> ~*~  
> This chapter wasn't supposed to be this long or to be more precise: this wasn't meant to be a chapter on its own in the first place, but I like how it turned out! I hope you enjoy reading it!

We walked along the beach a little longer, our fingers intertwined tightly for every single step of the way. Mostly we kept silent, but I could feel it again already: how we moved in unison in the way that mates were supposed to. It felt absolutely perfect. The pain that was wrapped around Eleonora’s heart was not gone, would maybe never disappear completely, but I was finally able to grab onto it, to understand her behavior and I was willing to work around it slowly and carefully, to untangle the knots and loops.

When we returned to the fire, Kate’s smile was so obviously pleased that I did not even have to guess that she could see that things were better between us again and honestly, I loved it, because this was how it should be, even if she was far too pleased about it. Carmen, on the other hand, was looking more relieved than anything else. Had she been worried about the small implications of us fighting this much? She barely knew Eleonora after all! Her compassion just was too big, wasn’t it?

We returned to sit on our place on the tree, watching the flames quietly for a moment. We had interrupted some quiet conversation, but the rest of my family didn’t pick it up once we had returned. Instead, Kate brought up an entirely new topic, “What do people normally do at a campfire?” she asked.

Without any exception, everybody’s eyes turned to Eleonora now.

It took her a moment to realize that she had become the center of attention suddenly. But instead of asking questions, she just became a little shy. “How would I know? I haven’t been to a campfire in ages… like high school or university or something…” But you could see that she was still thinking about it and then she found an answer. “Telling horror stories maybe or playing some stupid party games until everybody is thoroughly embarrassed.”

Her voice implied clearly that she could not imagine us playing these kinds of games. In a way, she was probably right about this, because normally party games involved a lot of alcohol. And the effect of alcohol was completely lost on me and my family. But even with this, we still knew how to have fun. Even if she was putting us on a very high pedestal again when she thought we were standing above stupid games and embarrassing stories.

Kate quickly made sure how wrong she was about this, coming to Eleonora’s rescue. “I like embarrassing stories. Let’s do that!” she exclaimed happily. I immediately looked at her worriedly, because… well, it was Kate and Kate never played nice. I really didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of Eleonora and I knew that Kate had more than enough stories to do exactly that.

To my surprise, she did not choose me as a victim though, turning towards her boyfriend instead. Garrett was more than a little naïve, still smiling at her, oh, so madly in love. He did not even suspect any malicious words from her, apparently.

“One time, when Tanya had straightened out her hair, Garrett mistook her to be me and grabbed her ass,” she betrayed his trust without even a hint of a guilty conscience. She laughed loudly instead. “You should have seen Tanya’s face when she turned around. It was hilarious.”

Garett’s face fell instantly, the same shock returned that had framed his face on this fateful day. “I did not confuse you!” he claimed panicking.

And well, I just wasn’t a good person either, “That makes things worse, you realize that right? You grabbed my ass as if your life depended on it.” It had been the most unsettling evening I had experienced in a long time. And Garrett would surely have blushed if his body hadn’t been frozen in time.

“But you don’t even have the same hair color,” Eleonora interjected in response.

Garrett frowned. “Of course, they have the same hair color, they are both blondes after all.” And honestly, this was something only a man could claim with a straight face!

Eleonora tilted her head in confusion. “No, not at all. Tanya’s hair is far more… strawberry-ish than Kate’s.” For a moment Eleonora thought about this. “Kate has more a cold and icy touched blond. And they don’t have the same body type either.”

“They have the same height,” Garrett frowned.

“Yes, sure… but Tanya has a lot more…” she trailed off. She seemed to be insecure about what she had intended to say suddenly.

“More hips?” Kate offered with a grin.

“Well… yeah…” she looked worriedly, maybe scared that she had insulted my sister with her words. It was a truth after all. Kate was a lot lankier than me, all sharp edges and slim arms and legs. I, in contrast, had a lot more hips and well, curves in general. A lot of people thought that we looked alike, but honestly, even if Sasha had chosen us because of our similarities, it was obvious that we weren’t related at all if you looked past the vampire features. And somehow, I was very glad that Eleonora had been able to see past them.

Garett – even after dating Kate for two decades – was apparently still unable to do so, if his words held any implications. He was still looking very unhappy.

“Honestly, I am still surprised that you didn’t lose your head for that,” Kate hummed softly. “Tanya can be very protective.” It was easy to see how much she was enjoying herself while Garrett was struggling next to her. But she wasn’t wrong at all. I knew how invested Kate had gotten with Garrett as soon as they had met. And after Laurent… well, I hadn’t trusted the nomad too much; neither in his skills when it came to self-control nor in the honesty or depth of his feelings for my sister. I had been looking for a sign of weakness in him with eagle eyes. Him hitting on me – even if just as a result of confusion and him holding his breath in eagerness – had nearly triggered true fighting instinct in me. I would not see another sister suffer from a man’s unworthiness ever again.

But in the end, I had known that Kate’s love had outweighed Garett’s stupid mistake. And he had looked truly baffled when he realized that I was not in fact his mate; enough to make me considered laughing instead of ripping off his unfaithful head from his shoulders.

Kate giggled. “You look like a kicked puppy,” Kate hummed softly, caressing his cheek with long fingers. “Come on, show some fight,” she probed him. “You’re a soldier, are you not?”

For a moment he appeared distracted, but blinked then, focusing his eyes on me and my lips turned thin before he even opened his lips to talk. “At least I can eat without ending up with food all over my face.”

Even Eleazar couldn’t hold back a quiet laugh at my expenses when he heard that.

“I’m not as bad as you make me out to be,” I tried to defend my honor.

“You’re like a child when you’re hungry!” Kate disrupted my argument easily.

My fingers twitched and I felt anger rise in my chest, but suddenly Eleonora’s hand was on mine again and she just smiled softly at me. “Like chocolate on your cheek?” she suggested innocently. Her eyes filled with some softness that I could only consider to be adoration.

Chocolate wasn’t very close to what my family meant, but blood and gore wasn’t really anything I wanted Eleonora to consider on my face at this point. “Yeah, something like that.”

“Or in her hair,” Kate offered un-helpfully. “Sometimes even behind her ears.”

I held back a snarl. “How about we talk about you now?” I threatened her. “I mean, when have you finished a book for the last time?” And before she could even open her mouth. “Oh right, you haven’t, ever.”

Of course, Kate _could_ read, but she just couldn’t focus on something for that long. She was easily bored and didn’t enjoy sitting down much – something she shared with her mate.

“That’s not true!” Kate claimed as all of us had done before, but honestly, it would be as futile for her as it had been for us.

“Name one book you have finished,” I challenged.

She opened her mouth to form an immediate response and closed it again a moment after, her eyebrows pulling together in irritation, as she tried again, but failing to find an answer once more.

I waited for a minute, before making my point. “See? You never finished any book.”

“Not even Harry Potter?” Eleonora suggested in shocked disbelieve. I felt myself smile with how much the idea of somebody not enjoying what must have been an essential part of her childhood irritated her. “The Lord of the Rings?” she offered as a second option of books she apparently considered a must-read for “our” generation.

“I prefer to watch the movies,” Kate huffed. She didn’t like to be in the center of this kind of attention as well, because she hurried to make everybody focus on somebody else instead, “I would finish a book if Eleazar would not take them from my room before I am finished!” Her voice had turned to the Spanish in accusation.

“You don’t even deserve them. You have no respect for books,” he nearly snarled in response. There was not even a shimmer of shame for his behavior.

“You have to know,” I said, turning to Eleonora to explain what she didn’t know yet, “that whenever Eleazar sees a book lying around, he picks it up and it’s never seen again.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “You know where I put them,” he argued. And well, yes, we did, because at one point their room had been so full of books, that Carmen had nearly begged us to find another place to store his books. Now, he – and all of us – had our very own library in a small adjacent building. It was mainly only him using it, but if I ever missed one of my books, I knew where to look.

The reason why Eleazar was so upset with Kate was that – even after bookbinding had become quite cheap – she had the habit of breaking their backs and Eleazar would never forgive this to anybody.

“Where?” Eleonora asked curiously. For a moment I had thought that she would be worried about us being this mean with each other, but she seemed to

“There is a small building a dozen meters or so in the forest. You could call it his man cave,” I laughed to myself. “I assume that, before Kate brought Garrett along, living with this many women wasn’t the easiest task. So, I can’t really blame him.” I looked at him for a moment. “Not sure if that even counts as embarrassing.” But, honestly, knowing what it was that truly made him uncomfortable even when nobody blamed him for his time with the Volturi, I truly didn’t desire to bring it up.

Maybe Kate had the same revelation because nearly simultaneously our eyes trailed to Carmen instead. With all her kindness, it seemed mean to say much about her bad habits either. Before either of us could say anything though, she became defensive. “Yes, I know, I can’t keep order when it comes to my art supplies. You know I am not doing it on purpose.” The way she was averting her eyes now, made clear that she if it were possible, would blush now.

Kate and I shared laughter at this. Sometimes it was just too obvious what we were hating about each other’s behavior.

“You seem like such an organized person,” Eleonora blurted out and even before I had turned to look at her, I knew that she was blushing now for her bluntness.

“I am,” Carmen defended without any hint of being upset by her words. “Just… I guess my inspiration comes and goes so quickly that I just… forget where I have left things.” Her voice, kind as ever, held some shame, and even without truly having said anything, it felt wrong to put compassionate Carmen in this situation.

Once more somebody beat me to saving Carmen. This time it was Eleonora. “If you put me someplace and turn me around one or two times, I will be lost forever and starve to death.” She was clearly exaggerating, but I had seen firsthand how bad her sense of orientation truly was. I really couldn’t think of it as something bad though; it had been the reason for our meeting, even if it had nearly killed her.

“Me too!” Garett exclaimed excitedly, before realizing his own mistake, when Kate jumped at the opportunity. “Like the one time, you stood me up?”

Garrett frowned. “I did not.” But his eyes told the obvious truth anyway. He was not a good liar; at least not when it came to Kate. “I was late…”

“… for nearly an hour. And you wouldn’t have come for another two if I hadn’t found you.”

Honestly, this had come to me as a surprise when it had gotten obvious shortly after meeting him. I had no clue how he was even doing it with how sharp our senses were, but Garrett was absolutely helpless when it came to orientation. By now, I was absolutely sure that the reason why he had been unable to bite Custer was that he had lost his way while trying.

“Then we better never get lost together,” Eleonora laughed. I tried to find it funny, but it made me uncomfortable thinking about Garrett and her being alone at any time, especially when ‘starving to death’ was an option. I instinctively pulled my mate a little closer. The movement was hopefully lost in Kate and Garrett bickering about the failed date.

I was willing to appreciate Eleonora’s kindness now – with her safely in my arm. She had no reason to pull the focus from Carmen’s shame, but she had done so anyway. Her kindness was just baffling to me and I had once again no idea how I even deserved somebody like her.

She smiled at me when she realized me looking at her and I felt my face soften immediately. “You didn’t have to do that,” I said with pride for her behavior in my voice, brushing a stray strand of hair from her face.

A shadow fell onto her eyes in an answer that once again made no sense to me. She shook her head lightly. “If you bring things up on your own, people are a lot less likely to laugh,” she said. “It’s a self-defense mechanism I internalized years ago.” Once more she was sure that she did not deserve this kind of appreciation; something I should be used to by now, but still couldn’t accept as part of her character, even after bringing it up so often. And even with her claiming that she had acted in self-defense, I couldn’t believe that she had not chosen her timing because of the kindness of her heart. That would be too much of a coincidence after all.

I shook my head slowly, even if her words, of course, made complete sense. People weren’t used to hearing somebody lowering themselves down like this and probably just from sheer surprise over this low level of self-esteem people they would most likely keep quiet.

I didn’t like where this conversation had led her, but it was hard to change the topic when Kate and Garrett were still arguing if missing an assigned meeting place by roughly two dozen miles – I hoped Eleonora wouldn’t acknowledge this number too much – was his fault.

“Alright, alright. I have a terrible sense of orientation and apparently, I am unable to differentiate between a thousand shades of blonde, but that’s really nothing to be ashamed about!” he ended with an exasperated sigh. “I can think of so much more embarrassing things!”

I was unable to not be curious now because his voice had mirrored insecurity I had never before seen in the former nomad. And I was just a little bit too much of a… newsmonger to not listen in now.

“Really?” Kate picked up on his words as curious as I was. “What could be worse than hitting on my sister?”

The face Garrett was making now was absolutely hilarious. “Nothing, forget about it.” But it was obvious that he knew that he had brought himself into a situation from which he would be unable to ever escape again without admitting the truth. Making up a lie on the spot seemed like the only good solution for his idiocy now. And that made me curious if he was witty enough to fool my sister because I myself had never been able to do so in one millennium and he was still a child compared to that age.

Kate didn’t even need to say something now, her face – one eyebrow arched in an elegant bow, her eyes dark and expectant – was enough to make Garrett squirm in his seat. He looked like he was thinking about taking off into the night now because even Carmen showed a surprised glimmer of curiosity that she was too much of a gentlewoman to allow to the surface normally.

To my surprise, Eleonora next to me shared Garrett’s uneasiness. She was biting her lips uncomfortably, kneading her fingers in her lap and… searching for words? Was she willing to throw herself in front of the bus to save Garrett from this embarrassment?

“He can take it,” I whispered, pulling her hand into mine. “Don’t worry.”

She slowly relaxed under my fingers but didn’t look too happy when meeting my eyes.

I had half the heart to interfere with the starring context that was going on opposite of us when Garrett broke. “Alright! You won’t forget about anyway, so I can spare myself the torture.” His voice was caught somewhere between a frustrated exclamation and giving up. “You want to know what the most embarrassing situation in my life was?”

He didn’t even wait for the expecting half-nod from my sister, before answering blandly. “The first time sleeping with you.”

The silence that fell after the darkness had swallowed his words was so deafening that I was sure that not even Eleonora was breathing right now. Nobody even dared to move.

If that was supposed to be a joke, Garrett had definitely gone overboard with it and he would need to put it in order quickly if he hoped to ever be forgiven for it.

The worst part was when I realized that Garrett had not meant it as a joke. His eyebrows knitted together in anger, his body in a position that was all too much convulsed in desperation, his lips still open where the words had left them; all this just screamed honesty and I was unable to comprehend this. It just couldn’t be true!

The shock on Kate’s face was even worse than what I was feeling right now. This was the most awful insult I could think of and Garrett had said it straight into her face. It was like telling Rosalie that she wasn’t beautiful or Emmet that he was weak. Or maybe even claiming Carlisle to be a murderer. The sheer idea of him being disappointed with sharing a bed with my sister was ridiculous, honestly, it was utterly impossible. And yet his words had not been a joke, but an unmistakable truth.

And looking into my sister’s eyes, I could almost see something – and I was begging that it was not her heart – shatter inside her.

It was just impossible that Garrett – lovesick fool Garrett – had even dared to even think of something like that, least of all speaking of it out loud. But he had and I felt anger rise in me, bloodlust, a burning desire to kill the person who had dared to hurt Kate like this.

I had been the first to move, was nearly on my feet already, forgetting all about keeping up appearance and ready to strike with deathly precision – or maybe, just maybe, just almost lethally harm, because somewhere in my head I still new that Kate loved Garrett as a mate and killing him would shatter her – but I felt Eleonora’s fingers wrap around mine in what could only be instinct.

It stopped me and gave both Garrett and my sister enough time to move. He got to his feet and despair was taking hold of his face. It was obvious that he knew how much pain he had caused Kate with his words and I wanted to be angry with him, but something – and I wasn’t sure how much of this something was Eleonora’s touch – stopped me. Kate, on the other hand, had lost all posture in her body; the elegance, the pride, and confidence she held herself with normally had been ripped from her and she looked more broken than I had ever seen her before.

I couldn’t blame her. We were good at sex. That was the fundamental basis of our characters. We were the original succubi after all. If I had felt insecure when meeting Eleonora had shaken the concept of my heterosexuality, I couldn’t even try to grasp how Kate felt now when Garrett just ripped this away from her in the blink of an eye.

“That’s not–“ Garret gasped, the realization of his word catching up to him, his hands raised in a defensive gesture. “Please!” He reached out for her cheek, but I only barely was able to pull Eleonora against myself to block her vision when in an act of self-defense Kate bared her teeth at him.

It was gone a moment later – Kate didn’t need this kind of force to bring him down when one touch was more than enough for that if she really wanted.

“It wasn’t bad!” he claimed quickly, and it could have been hilarious to see somebody his size being scared by a so much smaller woman if I hadn’t still been so upset with him that only the fluttering heartbeat in my arms was holding me in place.

The problem with his words was obvious though: They were waiting for a ‘but’ to complete their meaning. “It’s just–“ it came as expected, even if he didn’t finish his sentence, struggling desperately for words again.

I felt a soft struggle against my chest, and I relaxed my arms a little, worried that I might be holding her too tightly for her to breathe. I was a little worried that she would be confused by my sudden wish to hug, but she seemed quite content this close to me. I definitely didn’t expect Eleonora to speak. “It’s okay if a first time is awkward,” she said softly. “I mean, it’s kind of inevitable, right?”

Honestly, I was pretty sure it was, because none of my one night stands had ever been awkward, but I barely registered her words, because they triggered something in Garrett’s eyes that suddenly shed a whole new meaning on everything he had said. He looked completely found out, dazzled by what must feel like Eleonora knowing something she shouldn’t, and while I was sure she didn’t, I had made the connection in the blink of an eye.

“You were a virgin!”

Yes, that was obviously not the nice thing to say out loud, but it had caught me completely off-guard that this could even be a possibility for somebody who had been changed in the 18th century.

That I had put my finger right in the wound was not even guessing anymore, because Garrett latterly looked like he wanted to be swallowed by the ground right where he was standing if he just didn’t have to stand between the two of us while speaking of the lack of his sexual experience. His base instincts took hold of him and while he was looking for a new adventure on every day of his life, this told him to escape and he spun around, disappearing between the dunes in what could only be utter shame.

“Garrett!” Kate called after him, the anger was gone from her voice, the shock back in control, layered with what I could only imagine to be some form of weird underlying pride. And without any hesitation, she followed him straight into the darkness.

I trailed her frame for a moment, glad that I hadn’t harmed Garrett when something this ridiculous was the reason for his words; it was almost cute. But then my eyes found their way to Eleonora again, struck by the same amazement that just didn’t seem to leave me when being with her. Had she truly read this in Garrett’s behavior? Had it just been a coincidence?

Her cheeks were flushed when she carefully pulled herself from my arms. “Don’t look at me like that,” she mumbled, placing herself back on the tree.

“No!” I said quickly to stop whatever worries she was having. “I am just impressed. How did you know that?”

“I didn’t.” She pushed her hair behind her ear, her eyes trailing to the flames and onto Carmen and Eleazar who my subconscious had ignored for the last minutes, overly focused on my sister’s wellbeing. “I just couldn’t really think of anything more awkward than the first time I slept with my girlfriend when I was maybe sixteen and we hadn’t even talked about liking each other before.” Her hand was in her neck in an uncomfortable movement before her eyes turned a little accusing. “Don’t tell me, your first time was as perfect as everything about you! That’s just not fair!” There was a little honest desperation in her words, underlying the clear rhetorical exaggeration that I hoped was not all too dominant, because I had a hard time even remembering the first man, I had shared my bed with, even with a vampire’s memory.

“Probably not,” I agreed with her without the true memory of it surfacing, hopefully quenching the doubt in her words.

Kate and Garrett didn’t come back from their talk in the dunes – I had a very clear idea why – and we changed the topic easily, not mentioning the topic of awkwardness again. Eleazar and Carmen talked about Spain for a while, Eleonora adding some questions and memories from her own travels to Barcelona with her family and other places she had seen and wanted to see in the future. I was making a mental list of those for future use.

The fire slowly burned down and with the fading heat both, cold and tiredness took hold of Eleonora soon after. It was well past midnight too, so I pulled my arm away from where it had been wrapped around her, rubbing my hands together. “Let’s get you back to your place,” I decided.

Eleazar naturally aided my claim instantly. “We will make sure the fire is extinguished.”

“And finding Kate and Garrett,” Carmen added, while all of us knew that this was just for Eleonora’s benefit because neither of us wanted to disturb them with what they were probably doing. Moreover, they would probably be quicker on their way home without the necessity of a car.

“Thank you so much,” Eleonora yawned, while I collected her presents into a near pile that I could fit under my arm on our way back to my car, ignoring Eleonora’s offer to carry something too.

“Just hold my hand,” I told her with something between amusement and true cheesiness. “And maybe your phone as a flashlight in the other, before we trip over sticks and stones.” ‘We’ of course meaning her in this case.

“Will your sister be alright?” Eleonora asked softly after walking in comfortable silence for a while. “She seemed very upset.”

“Don’t worry about them,” I told her honestly. “I think, she just misunderstood his meaning.” I was pretty sure of that honestly because I had done the same.

“I assume that means that she wasn’t a virgin when they met?” Eleonora asked bluntly. I just smiled that she didn’t shy away from these kinds of questions.

“Definitely not,” I claimed the obvious. “Neither Kate nor I have many inhibitions when it comes to sex.” And somehow telling her of my dozens of affairs right now seemed like a good idea. I didn’t want to keep any secrets from her. “We often went to clubs together to pick up men.”

I couldn’t stop some nervousness to itch beneath my skin, but Eleonora didn’t disappoint my trust. “I bet you were very successful.” There was a fluttering undertone of worry in her voice, mirroring my nervousness.

I laughed lowly. “We didn’t go home alone much,” I agreed, but added without hesitation, “But then she met Garrett and I ran into a young woman with a terrible sense of orientation on New Year’s Eve.” I lifted her hand to my lips, carefully to not make her stumble, placing a kiss there. “I guess even people like me are able to change.” And I wasn’t scared of the idea anymore. Being with her was worth all the insecurities after all. And maybe – a tiny voice in my mind mumbled – it was not so much changing as it was discovering new sides of myself that I had hidden beneath meaningless sex and compliments before.

“Do you ever miss it?” she asked hesitantly, but not with her usual doubt behind her words, more with some true form of curiosity.

I thought about it for a moment. “No,” I said with a confidence that surprised even me. And then I slowly dared to add more words that suddenly had become so much truer this evening on the beach. “The sex maybe, but not the ever-changing partners.”

Her heart rate picked up, but that was the only real reaction she gave off. It was enough to make comfortable warmth spread in my body: She had thought about this before herself and obviously wanted it too.

For a moment, I felt the overwhelming desire to fulfill this idea right this night. And I was sure that she wouldn’t even be opposed to inviting me inside if I just dropped a few right cues once we were inside the car we had nearly reached by now. I had half a mind to throw all my worries in the wind that came with touching her – my cold skin and the fear of a sudden spike of thirst sharing the first place of most worrying ideas of what could go wrong if we tried. I would not break her if we slept with each other, of that at least I was sure, but I wanted it to be special. I wanted both of us to enjoy it as much as we could, and I knew that at least I couldn’t do that while she was still human. And honestly, after today, I was kind of worried that it might go terribly wrong or be so awkward that it would be forever engraved into my memories. As I had no experience whatsoever when it came to this kind of same-sex relationship this was actually an honest possibility and I was terribly afraid of the prospect.

So, while I was definitely sexually interested, I truly couldn’t allow it to happen; not now at least. But then again… how should I even change this in the future? It was not like I could just go and find somebody to ‘train’ with. – I didn’t even want to consider this as a possibility after meeting her. – I tried to remember what had been written about this inside the books and brochures I had read. They hadn’t been very explicit. But what else was there? I guess I could look it up on the internet or something. But if lesbian porn was as unrealistic as heterosexual porn – and I had a feeling it could be even worse if I considered how often some of the men, we had taken home for the night had implied that they would be willing to break the ‘incest’ taboo to see us make out – it was probably a terrible teacher.

She, on the other hand, had slept with at least one other woman before. But when Garrett's admission today had taught me anything, then not knowing what you were doing when the other person was experienced was even worse than both not knowing what they were doing. And I could hardly ask her what to do without losing face, right?

I had nearly forgotten that she was walking by my side, deeply lost in thoughts that were definitely not suited for ‘work’, but she did not break the silence either, so I just watched her in the dark. There was a slight flush on her cheeks, but she seemed fast and foremost focused on not stumbling, so I wasn’t able to read the thoughts she was having on her face.

In the end, we reached the parking lot before either of us said anything again and I carefully placed the presents in the back of the car, before opening the door for her.

“Did you enjoy tonight?” I asked once we were on the road, the engine quietly humming beneath us.

“It was perfect,” Eleonora smiled in response, her hand finding mine above the middle console, her eyes fluttering close after passing a few of the regularly placed streetlights, so I kept quiet until we reached her place, where I was very tempted to lean over to kiss her awake but pressed my lips on her knuckles instead while whispering softly, “Wake up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be some implications here about some spin-off-y thing I really want to write in the future about Kate and Garrett's relationship and how I imagine it could have happened (at least for this universe).  
> If you are interested in reading that, please leave a comment :)


End file.
